


Golden

by pilotmikey



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: 17 y/o luke, 19 y/o michael, 20 y/o calum, 21 y/o ashton, Anxiety, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Depression, Eventual Smut, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, birthdays exist and what not, famous!michael - Freeform, fan!luke, stylist!ashton, when the story starts anyways
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-07
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 20:21:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 62,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6768601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pilotmikey/pseuds/pilotmikey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke is dealing with the loss of his family. Michael is trying to adjust to the pressures of being famous. Calum just wants Ashton to stop being a mom for two seconds to realize that he's in love with him. </p><p>Or</p><p>The one where Michael's famous and Luke sends him fan mail, and then a bunch of other stuff happens.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. it goes and it's golden

_**April 16 th 2014** _

_"So look at me in the eye, is anyone there at all? Is anyone there at all? Cause I’m not leaving…”_

The music washed over him, flooding his ears with the sound of a powerful guitar paired with a soothing voice. Nothing made Luke feel better quite like listening to Michael Clifford tell him that he wasn’t going anywhere. Luke found himself in this position a lot, his face damp with tears and his headphones snug around his head. The volume was turned up to capacity, the music battling it out with Luke’s thoughts. He’d gotten home from school an hour ago, but he’d been trying and failing to hold back his tears since the moment he’d left the campus.

School was always hard. Luke’s classmates were relentless in taunting him. He wasn’t even sure how or when everyone found out that he was gay. No one seemed to care that Luke had been through the toughest year of his life. All anyone cared about was making fun of his sexuality, which Luke was so over. It’s 20-fucking-14, the fact that anyone still gives a shit where someone wants to stick it is exhausting. Luke was comfortable with who he was. He didn’t struggle with his own head anymore, not about being gay. He’d come to terms with it two years ago, when Michael was just someone he watched on YouTube and not the famous musician he was today.

Luke had been a fan of Michael Clifford since he was 14. He would spend hours watching his YouTube videos, listening to the older boy sing and strum his guitar. At the time Michael was just 16 and gorgeous, and that was probably what made Luke first realize that he wasn’t like everyone else. It was never something he worried over, not at first. He always pushed it aside, promising himself that he would deal with it another time.

Michael had posted a coming out video when he was 17, a few months before he was signed to a label. Luke remembered getting the notification “ _michaelsings94_ _has posted a new video ‘This is Me’”._ He remembered the way his heart started pounding when Michael, the boy he’d grown so fond of over the past year said “I’m gay” to 500,000 people. Luke remembered how nothing was the same for him after that. His own sexuality came creeping up on him again, knocking on the walls of his chest as if to say _you are too_.

It was hard at first - realizing that he was different, coming out to his family. He’ll never be able to forget the nerves that made his hands shake and a sweat break out along his pale skin. His family didn’t care who he was, they just wanted him to be happy, and with a reaction like that, Luke was. Family was important to Luke, and as long as they accepted him, he knew he would be okay.

That was before the accident. That was before everything in his life came crumbling down and the short moment of bliss Luke had felt at finally being free was torn away.

The weeks after were a blur. Luke remembers walking around like a zombie, desperately wishing that his house built for five still had all of its occupants. It didn’t feel right with just the two of them: Luke and his older brother Jack.

It was scary the way Jack stepped up, making sure Luke was fed and still attending school. He dropped out of college and got a full time job so that he could afford to buy Luke clothes and food and keep their bills paid. It felt wrong selling the house; their parents had saved up enough money to put three sons through university, so with that and Jack’s income they were able to keep living there. Luke was looking for a job too, something part time that wouldn’t interfere with school so he could help Jack out.

Adjusting to a world without his parents and his oldest brother Ben was like living in an alternate reality. Every time Luke came home and didn’t hear his mom call out a greeting or his dad yell at his brothers to stop fighting his heart broke all over again. Jack usually wasn’t even home until late at night, trying to earn as much money as he could so that maybe one day Luke would be able to go to college. The house was lonely with just Luke in it, but just like when was figuring out his sexuality, Michael Clifford was there to help him get through it.

Michael’s music was a godsend to Luke. His voice and his lyrics melted away any stress or anxiety Luke felt, at least for a little while. Michael was his escape, and even on his darkest days, watching one of Michael’s videos and hearing his laugh was enough to make Luke smile.

Luke liked writing Michael letters – just fan mail, letting Michael know how much his music had helped him. He wanted Michael to know how thankful he was that he had found joy in music because he spread that joy to Luke and all of his other fans. He knew Michael probably didn’t even read them, but Luke felt like he had to at least try to let Michael know how much he’d helped him through the past few years. Without Michael and his music, Luke didn’t know how he would have handled realizing that he was gay, dealing with the kids at school, and losing his family. Every day seemed to get harder than the one before, but Michael was enough to get him through it.

_“You say you wanna, but do you wanna run away, your great escape…”_

Luke wiped at his eyes and walked over to his desk. He pulled his old computer chair back and sat down, tucking his legs underneath him. Jack had gotten him a stationary set when he found out that Luke wanted to write letters to Michael, knowing how happy Michael made him. Luke thanked God every day that Jack was still with him. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he had been left completely alone.

The stationary had a golden border around the edge of the page, and it shined underneath the light. The lines running across that page were a dull gold, but the colour complimented the border beautifully. Jack had picked it out because he liked to call Michael Luke’s ‘golden boy’. Luke loved the set, and he secretly loved Jack’s nickname for Michael, too.

He grabbed one of his favourite black pens and started a new letter to Michael. Luke wrote most of his letters when he was feeling sad because it always made him feel better thinking that Michael might actually read one of them. Today had been particularly hard on him. He’d woken up feeling depressed, which wasn’t all that surprising. Luke had been fighting his depression since he’d lost his family, but it never got easier to deal with. He managed, and that was all that mattered. His depression wasn’t the only thing getting to him though. Everyone at school got their kicks from picking on him, calling him slurs, and pushing him around. It wasn’t uncommon for Luke to come home with bruises from being shoved too hard or slammed up against a locker. It was exhausting trying to get through the day without anyone calling him a faggot.

_“I hear the sirens at the door, they’re always coming back for more…”_

Luke squeezed his eyes shut and focused on the music blaring in his ears. He let Michael’s voice wrap around him and carry him off to place where nothing mattered, where no one touched him without his permission and his family was still around to look out for him if they did. He brought his pen to the page and started writing. He wrote about the kids at school and what they did to him. He wrote about how he was trying really hard to not let everything wear him down until there was nothing left. He wrote about how much he missed his family, and then he apologized for rarely being able to write about something positive. Luke changed the topic to Michael’s music and how much his new album was helping him. He told him about his favourite lyrics and chord progressions, and how happy he was that Michael had been able to make it big. He ended the letter the way he always did, _‘thanks again for everything you do; god only knows what I’d be without you.’_

Luke signed the letter and folded it neatly, trying to keep the edges as even as possible. He slid the folded paper into that matching gold envelope and sealed it shut. Just as he was looking for his stamps, his headphones were pulled off his head and left to fall around his neck.

“Writing another letter to Michael?” Jack asked. He spotted the stamps sitting at the back of Luke’s desk and grabbed one, handing it over to Luke.

“Yeah,” Luke answered, taking the stamp and sticking it on the right hand corner of the envelope. He started writing the mailing information on the left side, making sure to print as neatly as he possibly can.

“Have you been crying?” Jack asked, sliding a few stray papers out of the way so that he could sit on the edge of the desk. Luke pulled his headphones off from around his neck and turned the music off.

“No,” he lied. He knew his eyes looked puffy and red. They still felt tired and raw from rubbing at them so much.

“Liar,” Jack said, tapping Luke’s shin with one of his feet. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing new,” Luke sighed, pushing his chair away from the desk and standing up. He shuffled over to toss himself down onto his bed, burying his face in one of the pillows. He could feel Jack’s eye roll, even from across the room.

“You know you can talk to me about it,” Jack said, “I want you to come to me when you have a problem. We’ve gotta stick together, you know.” The last line came out softer than the rest.

Luke felt the bed dip and then a hand began to rub circles on his back. He felt his eyes start burning again, but he was tired of crying. It felt like all he did anymore is cry. He wanted to break something. He wanted to get mad for once. He wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine,” Luke said, raising his voice so it could be heard from where his face was smushed against the pillow. “Kids at school are just dumb.”

“I can talk to your teachers again,” Jack offered. He crawled onto the bed so that his back rested against the headboard. The hand that was on Luke’s back found its way into his hair, scratching lightly at his scalp. It felt nice, and Luke leaned into Jacks’ touch.

“It wouldn’t make a difference,” Luke grumbled. It wouldn’t. The teachers knew how people treated Luke - they saw it all the time. The only time they ever stepped in was if he got shoved especially hard, or if someone actually threw a punch which, thank god for Luke, didn’t happen a lot.

“I wanna be able to do something,” Jack said softly. Luke hated the way his voice sounded. It made him want to curl into himself and dissolve into the mattress so that he never had to hear Jack sound so helpless again.

“You do enough for me,” Luke said. “In fact, you do everything for me. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’m fine.” He heard Jack sigh, then felt the bed dip again and the hand leave his hair. Luke peeked out from the pillow to see if he left, but Jack was standing in front of Luke’s computer. He could hear the tapping of Jack’s fingers on the keyboard and then the click of the mouse before Michael’s voice was filling the room. _Permanent Vacation_ started pouring out of the speakers, and then Jack was back at the side of his bed.

“Get up,” Jack said, pulling on Luke’s arms until he was sitting up. “We’re gonna dance it out.”

Luke looked up at him, wondering if he was actually serious. Jack raised his eyebrows and tugged on Luke’s arms again.

“Come on,” Jack said. He started to shake his hips, moving his arms so that Luke’s moved with them like a pair of limp spaghetti noodles. He looked absolutely ridiculous, but it made Luke laugh, and before he knew it he was up off the bed and jumping around, dancing like an idiot with his brother that only wanted to see him happy.

It helped, just like it always did. Michael’s music had a way of making him feel good no matter what, and so did Jack. The combination of the two was enough to make Luke forget about all of the bad things in his life and focus on what he did have; a brother who would do anything for him, and Michael Clifford’s music to pick him up when he was feeling low.

They jumped around, dancing stupidly for almost an hour before they were gasping for air and their limbs were aching. They both collapsed on the floor in a fit of giggles and off rhythm panting. After a few minutes, Jack got up and announced that he was going to get started on dinner. He gave Luke a comforting pat on the shoulder before shuffling out of the room. Once he was gone, Luke crawled up off the floor and onto his bed. He was feeling significantly better than before, and he’d almost forgotten why he was so sad in the first place. Almost.

It wasn’t like all there was to Luke was bad luck, sadness, and being a fan of Michael Clifford. He liked other music, video games, and bad comedy movies. He liked comic books and playing guitar. He was just a perfectly average teenager, save for the tragic accident and lack of friends. Luke always wondered what things would be like if he at least had some friends to help him get through the day; if there was someone around to stick up for him when people were picking on him, or someone to call when he got nightmares about his family.

All Luke wanted was for things to go his way for once.

He rolled over onto his back, grabbing one of his pillows and tucking it underneath his head. He stared up at the ceiling where little glow in the dark stars were stuck haphazardly. Luke smiled, remembering when his dad had climbed up on the stepping stool with Luke on his shoulders so that he could put them up himself. Luke wasn’t even four years old at the time. When he was 13 he used to complain about them. He would beg his parents to let him take them down, but they always said no, that it would chip the finish. He’s glad they didn’t let him now, even though sometimes it hurt to look at them. There were a lot of things about the house that had a way of making his heart ache, but the masochist in him needed to hold on to all of the memories so that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to forget.

He did this a lot, lie on his bed and look up at those little plastic stars. They didn’t shine as much as they used to, but when the lights were all off and he focused hard enough, Luke could still make out a faint glow. It wasn’t as depressing as it should be. In fact, the soft light coming from the tiny stars gave him hope that maybe he too would still be able to glow after everything he’d been through. One of his worst fears was never being able to break free from this seemingly endless cycle of sadness and misery. He didn’t want to be stuck in a rut forever, but he also knew that grieving took time. It hadn’t even been six months since the accident. He knew he deserved time to learn how to feel alive again.

It would be easier if school wasn’t so horrible. He’s tried to submerse himself in school work, but it was hard to stay focused when people were throwing pencil erasers at him and balled up pieces of paper with slurs written all over them. It didn’t bother him as much as it probably should; he was just frustrated, and he was tired of the teachers pretending like they didn’t see it.

“Dinner’s almost ready!” Jack called. Luke shook his head, trying to push away all of the negative thoughts that never seemed to fully go away. _Soon_ , he kept telling himself. Soon things would start looking up. They had to. Luke wasn’t sure what he would do if things stayed the way they were.

“Coming!” Luke shouted back. It was all in due time. Great things took patience, and if Luke had learned anything from hours in front of the TV, it was that for every bad outcome, a good one was waiting just around the corner. He just had to hold on to what little hope he had left and maybe things would turn out for the best in the long run.

He took one last look at the stick-on stars above his bed before swinging his legs off the side until his feet hit the floor. Before heading out the door, he stopped in front of his full length mirror and took a good look at himself. The ripped jeans clinging to his thighs were probably too tight, and the black and white baseball tee he wore didn’t fit his shoulders right. His quiff was falling slightly to the side, and he ran a hand through it in the hopes that it would stand taller. He looked the same as he always did, and maybe that was the problem. Maybe it was time he dyed his hair or pierced his lip or got a neck tattoo. He needed a change, but changes cost money, and he didn’t want to ask Jack for anything that he didn’t absolutely need. Something had to change though, so he made a mental note to check how much birthday money he had saved up.

“Luke!” Jack shouted impatiently.

“Yeah, I’m coming!” Luke shouted back, taking one last look at himself in the mirror before hitting the lights off and heading down the hall.

“Took you long enough,” his brother said when Luke appeared in the kitchen entryway.

“Hey, Jack? Would I look good with a lip ring?”

 

*******

 

**_April 22 nd, 2014_ **

The clock on the wall ticked with every passing second, but to Michael, the space between each one felt like an hour wasted. There wasn’t much he could do about it, either. Every day was the same. Wake up, go to rehearsal, eat something, wait for the show to start, play a concert, go to bed. It was the same cycle over and over and over again.

In retrospect, it wasn’t so bad. He got to play music to thousands of people who adored him and live out his dream. This had been what he wanted after all. He risked everything for his music, to be able to perform songs that he’d poured his soul into to people who related and enjoyed it. Michael loved it, honestly, he did. But the waiting, being away from home, his bed, that part was hard.

Michael had never been the kind of person that enjoyed sitting still. He always needed something to occupy his hands with, or at least entertain him while he waited for the next show. Unfortunately, most of the time when he was on the road, waiting in back rooms of venues he might never see again, there wasn’t much to do except sleep. It was nice in a way. Some nights it was hard to fall asleep, especially when he was stuck in a cramped bunk on a moving bus, or a sweaty hotel room bed that wasn’t _nearly_ as soft as the one he had back in Sydney. The extra time to nap was appreciated, most of the time. Today wasn’t one of those days, though.

Touring was hard.

Of course it had its perks. Michael was able to travel and see places he never thought he’d ever be able to see while he was living back home, posting shitty covers on YouTube and playing on a guitar that was older than he was. He was able to meet new people, including some of the musicians that inspired him to start making music in the first place. Sometimes it felt like he would never get used to that part. Whenever he remembered that he had Alex Gaskarth’s number in his phone he had a mini freak out all over again. His life was far from awful. It wasn’t anywhere near it.

However sometimes, after a night of no sleep or having to sit on the same broken couch for five hours, it was hard to remember why he would rather be doing this than be back at home in his own bed with his family there to hug him and feed him and make sure he’s actually sleeping. Michael missed home a lot. He was lucky enough to have his best friend Calum with him on the road.

Michael and Calum had been best friends since they were four. They’d been through everything together - first kisses, first heartbreaks, Michael’s coming out, Calum’s dog dying. Every fight, whether it be with each other, their families, or significant others, they’d still always been there for each other. When Michael had decided to leave home at 17 to pursue music in London, it had only taken a month for Calum to show up at his door with a suitcase and his trademark ‘you’re blessed to know me’ smile. Michael remembered dropping his phone in favour of giving Calum the biggest hug they’d ever shared, having to replace it soon after because he’d broken the screen. To this day he still thinks it was worth it.

Calum must’ve been Michael’s lucky charm, because a few weeks after he’d arrived Michael had gotten a call from a producer that wanted to sign him. Everything after that was a blur. Days were spent working out contract negotiations, setting up studio time, writing and recording music, and promoting his name so he could sell his first ever album. A year later and here he was; going on his first world tour and spending _way_ too much time doing absolutely fuck all in green rooms. Michael loved his job, but he was _bored_ , and his ass was permanently flattened from sitting on it all day.

“Working hard, or hardly working?”

“Shut the fuck up, Cal,” Michael said, flinching slightly when the door slammed behind his curly haired friend. He pulled his body up so he was in less of a laying position and his back wasn’t bent awkwardly against the arm of the couch.

“Someone’s cheery,” Calum snickered, flopping down on the cushion beside Michael instead of the one on the opposite side of the sofa. Their arms were pressed together, and Michael would be bothered by the intrusion of personal space if it had been anyone but Calum. They’d known each other far too long to be worried about something as trivial as personal space. To put it simply, they were close.

“I’m bored, and I’m tired,” Michael groaned, leaning his head against Calum’s shoulder and curling into his side. It was probably too warm to be cuddling, but Michael didn’t care. When he felt like this, a good snuggle with Calum always cheered him up.

“I’ve got your mail,” Calum said. Michael looked down and noticed the stack of envelopes in Calum’s hands, each one already opened and rifled through. “I didn’t bring you the weird ones. Did you know that one girl with the pet turtles is _still_ asking you to send a sample of your pubes? How do you put up with these girls, man?”

“I get you to read my mail first,” Michael replied, “that’s how.” He took the pile of envelopes from Calum and started flicking through each one. Some were from people he’d never heard from before, or from people that never stood out enough for him to remember. Michael wished he was able to remember everyone, but when he meets at least 500 people a day everyone starts blurring together. It was a bit different with fan mail or twitter. He could recognize stationary, handwriting, or twitter handles, if there was something worth remembering about them. For instance, the gold envelope now at the top of his pile was especially familiar. He’d gotten enough of them in the past year to stay imprinted on his mind forever, probably.

“Another letter from your golden boy?” Calum asked, leaning over to peak at the envelope Michael was turning over in his hands.

“Shut up,” Michael said, “you should know, you read my mail.”

“I don’t read the gold ones,” Calum said. “You asked me not to, remember?”

It was true. The golden letters were special to Michael, and the one in his hand was still glued shut. A boy named Luke Hemmings wrote them, and he was the most familiar fan Michael had. He’d sent hundreds of letters to Michael over the past year, all of them talking about his life and how much Michael meant to him. From the letters, Michael could tell Luke didn’t have an easy life. His parents weren’t around it seemed, just a brother named Jack. Luke got made fun of at school for being gay, but Michael’s own coming out had helped Luke accept himself and know that who he is is perfectly okay. Luke had been a fan since Michael’s YouTube days, and loved his music as much as he loved Michael himself. Luke’s letters were always so personal, and Michael was always alternating between empathy for the younger boy and flattery at the endless love and appreciation Luke praised him with.

Michael carefully opened the envelope and pulled the letter out, unfolding it gently. All of Luke’s letters were always folded so neatly, as if every crease and fold was done with love, so he never tore into them like he did his other letters.

“What’s this one say? Is he doing okay?” Calum asked, still peering over Michael’s shoulder. Michael shoved him off, shielding the letter from his best friend’s prying eyes.

“It’s private,” Michael insisted, turning so that Calum could only see the back side of the letter. He let his back fall against the arm of the couch and tucked his knees up to his chin so that he could use his lap as a makeshift desk. The letter lay flat against his thighs as he began to read.

“You’re so annoying,” Calum said, elbowing Michael’s shin before getting up off the couch. “Ashton’s gonna be here soon, by the way.”

Michael looked up after reading the first line. If Ashton was coming that meant it was nearly time to get ready for his show tonight. Ashton was his stylist. He took care of Michael’s wardrobe and hair, and he always made him look both classy and punk rock at the same time, which Michael was extremely grateful for. If there was one thing that bothered him about being in the public eye all the time, it was having to look his best all of the time, even if he was just running out to get milk or a bag of chips. Ashton always made sure he looked good so that if he woke up to a tabloid with his face on the front page, he didn’t look like a sack of potatoes that got beaten with a rusty stick.

“Why didn’t you start with that”” Michael groaned. “You know he hates it when I’m not ready when he comes in. He acts like my mom sometimes.”

Calum snickered as he went over to sit at the piano bench in the corner of the room. He let his fingers waltz across a few random keys before setting them up properly and playing a C major chord.

“If he didn’t, you would be wearing a pair of stained boxers and mismatched socks for a month before you did any washing,” Calum laughed, playing the opening chords to Michael’s own song, _Wrapped Around Your Finger._

“Oh sure, take his side,” Michael said. “The only reason you even came in here is because you have a big ugly crush on him. It’s gross, Cal.”

“At least Ashton’s real, bro. You’re hung up over some kid that’s probably underage who you’ve never even met,” Calum argued, pressing down harder on the piano keys as the song reached its climax. This was usually the part in the song where Michael would be near screaming, ‘ _I’m wrapped around your goddamn finger’._ It was one of Michael’s favourite songs to perform live, and it was a fan favourite too.

“He’s 17, which is over the legal age in Australia, where we’re _both_ from. Why do you gotta ruin everything?” Michael said, sliding the letter back in its envelope to be read later. He got up from the coach and groaned, feeling the muscles in his back pull and crack as he turned his hips. He held his arms above his head, fingers linked together and pushing upwards until the upper half of his body felt a pleasant stretch. When he let his arms fall, he worked the sleepiness out of his legs by sauntering over to where Calum was still pattering away at the piano. Michael sat down on the edge of the bench beside him, letting their hips bump as Calum slowed the tempo down to close out the song.

“You love me,” Calum insisted, laying his head down on Michael’s shoulder and gazing up at him. His eyes were the deepest brown Michael had ever seen, and when Calum looked up at him like this he resembled a puppy that had been left out in a thunderstorm. Before Michael had a chance to answer, he heard the door to the green room swing open and fall shut a moment later.

“Well isn’t this a pleasant sight,” came Ashton’s voice, growing closer with every word. Michael and Calum both turned to meet him, taking in his tousled brown hair and hazel eyes that always seemed to smile even when his mouth wasn’t. Ashton was almost always happy, and just being around him could make Michael’s mood lift in a second. He was so lucky to have Ashton as a part of his team because he wasn’t just a stylist, but a friend too.

“Hi Ashton,” Calum said, a shy smile playing on his lips. Michael rolled his eyes and groaned internally.

“Whipped,” Michael whispered, leaning in so that his lips were pressed beside Calum’s ear so that he wouldn’t embarrass him in front of Ashton. Michael loved to tease Calum about his crush, but he would never just go and blatantly make fun of him while Ashton was around. Calum was his best friend. And besides, if Ashton found out about Calum’s crush, Michael wouldn’t be able to make fun of him for it anymore.

“Michael, you look like shit,” Ashton said. Always a charmer.

“Thanks, I take pride in my filth,” Michael replied sarcastically. Ashton rolled his eyes and walked over so that the top of his shins met Michael’s knees. He took Michael’s face in his hands and tilted it from side to side, examining the bags that had gathered beneath his tired, green eyes. He ran one of his abnormally large hands through Michael’s greasy hair, cringing when he felt the layer of shine against his fingers.

“You need about 40 hours of sleep and a sponge bath,” Ashton said, tapping Michael’s shoulders indicating it was time to get ready.

“You volunteering to give me a bath, Irwin?” Michael joked, side-eyeing Calum to make sure he knew he was only kidding around. Calum was smiling, so Michael relaxed knowing that he knew Michael had no intention of ever pursuing Ashton. It wasn’t that he wasn’t attractive, because he definitely was. But Michael had been more preoccupied these past few months with a certain boy he’d only ever met through golden letters and black ink.

“In your dreams, Clifford,” Ashton replied, giving Michael’s ass a playful slap. Calum bit his lip at that, and Michael turned around to give Ashton’s arm a slap for giving his best friend an imaginary boner.

“Come on,” Michael said, “let’s go make me beautiful!”

They headed out of the green room and down the hall to a small dressing room with mirrors and lights lining the wall. There were beauty salon chairs in front of each mirror, and Michael plopped his ass into the one closest to the door. He did a dramatic spin, holding his limbs out in a faux karate pose and nearly kicking Calum on his way around.

“You’re a child, Michael,” Ashton said, grabbing the back of the salon chair and holding it in place. Underneath the mirror was a shelf lined in different bottles and packages. Ashton grabbed one of the bottles and gave it a shake before pouring its contents into the palm of his hand. After rubbing his hands together, he began to vigorously run them through Michael’s hair. Dry shampoo, Michael assumed.

“A child who pays you,” Michael said, closing his eyes and enjoying the relaxing though slightly rough head rub that came with getting his hair done.

“You pay me shit,” Ashton argued, “your label on the other hand…”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Michael sighed. “I’m your favourite client, don’t deny it.”

“He’s got you there,” Calum piped in, coming to stand beside Ashton behind Michael’s chair.

“Please,” Ashton laughed, “I only keep him around for you.” He looked over at Calum and bumped their hips together, winking as he did so. Calum tried to hide his blush, but his dark skin could only do so much. The slight tint adorning his cheeks was proof enough of what Ashton did to him.

“Get a room or get back to work!” Michael shouted, clapping his hands together to show he meant business. Of course Ashton knew he was kidding. They’ve been at this far too long for him to think Michael would ever be anything but friendly to him. Joking around was what got them both through the day.

“What a pain,” Ashton laughed, spinning Michael around to face him. “There, at least you don’t look like a total grease bag now.”

Michael pouted, puffing out his bottom lip exaggeratingly. Ashton rolled his eyes before asking Calum to grab his makeup bag so that he could cover up Michael’s dark circles.

“It isn’t here,” Calum said, looking around the room at all of the shelves.

“Fuck, I must’ve left it in the other room,” Ashton groaned.

“I’ll get it, don’t worry,” Calum said, patting Ashton on the shoulder.

“You’re an angel,” Ashton thanked him. The smile on his face was one he reserved for only Calum, and it was times like these Michael swore that Ashton had the same big, ugly crush on Calum that Calum did on him. He wished that they would just admit it and get together. Someone around here deserved to be happy.

Michael’s thoughts wandered back to Luke, the mysterious boy with the golden stationary that he didn’t know nearly enough about. He often found himself wondering what Luke looked like, what his voice sounded like, what his life was like beyond the stories he wrote about in his letters. Michael only knew so much about him.

For instance, he knew that Luke was from Sydney, the same as Michael himself. Luke was 17, living with his brother, and going to school even though everyone at his school seemed to hate him. He never wrote about anyone other than his brother, Jack, so Michael assumed that he didn’t have many - or possible any - friends. He knew that something bad had happened to his family, but he never said what. Luke liked Michael and his music, and had helped him come to terms with his own sexuality when Michael had come out when he was the age that Luke is now. The boy seemed…sad, but if his letters were anything to go by, he had every reason to be. Sometimes Michael wondered if there was anything he could do to help, but then he remembered that Luke was just another fan; a stranger in a world of billions of people.

“Hey Cal,” Michael said, just as Calum was about to walk out the door. “Can you grab that letter for me? The gold one?”

“Oh you mean the one from your _golden boy_?” Calum teased, but he was already headed down the hall so there was no use in Michael trying to yell at him.

“Luke wrote you again?” Ashton asked, grabbing a hair brush and pushing it through Michael’s hair.

“Yeah,” Michael said, twiddling his thumbs in the hopes that Ashton wouldn’t press. It was no secret that Michael was taken with Luke. It was stupid, really. He didn’t even know the kid, and for all he knew Calum was right. Luke might not even be who he said he was. It was naïve to get attached to someone he’d never even met.

“You ever think about writing him back?” Ashton asked.

“I don’t know,” Michael said, “would that be weird?”

Of course Michael had thought about writing Luke back. It had been in the back of his mind since Luke’s letters had become a frequent thing. He looked forward to the golden envelope every time Calum came in with his mail haul, so much so as to ask Calum to leave Luke’s letters unrifled through so that he would be the only one that got to learn about who Luke was and what he went through. The truth was, Michael was scared. What if Luke had this image of him that Michael didn’t fit? What if hearing from him and reading his words made Luke realize Michael wasn’t who he thought he was?

“Of course not!” Ashton exclaimed. “You’re obviously infatuated with him. Why not give it a chance? He loves you, you’d probably make his whole year.”

Just then Calum came waltzing back into the room with a black makeup bag and the golden envelope in his hands. Michael immediately outstretched his arms, making grabby hands at the letter. Calum came to a halt in front of him, holding the letter just out of Michael’s reach.

“Don’t be a dick,” Michael pouted, wiggling his fingers in the hopes that he looked cute enough for Calum to take pity on him.

“We were just discussing how Michael should write Luke back on of these days,” Ashton said, smirking at Michael while simultaneously taking the makeup bag from Calum. He pulled out pale concealer and got to work covering up Michael’s eye bags.

“That’s a wonderful idea, Ashton,” Calum said cheerfully, twisting the envelope in his hands and watching Michael’s eyes follow it around.

“You guys are both dicks,” Michael said, not taking his eyes off the letter.

“I’ll give you the letter if you promise to write him back,” Calum bargained. “I’ll even give you a stamp.”

“That’s not fair,” Michael argued, finally looking up to meet Calum’s eyes.

“What’s not fair is you fawning over him all the time while the poor kid still thinks you don’t even know he exists,” Ashton pointed out.

“Two against one,” Calum said. “What’s it gonna be?”

Michael sighed, but he knew they were right. The thought of Luke sitting in a house somewhere, not knowing that Michael actually _did_ think about him and care about him while Michael got to soak in the praise wasn’t fair at all. Michael didn’t _need_ the praise. He had enough people telling him that he was wonderful and special and _loved_. He wondered if anyone was telling Luke that, and if they weren’t, maybe _Michael_ should be the one to do so.

“Okay fine,” Michael said, snatching the letter from Calum’s hands. “I’ll write him, okay? Just let me read the damn thing first.”

Calum and Ashton giggled at the disgruntled look on Michael’s face that immediately softened when he opened up the letter. Ashton moved on from fixing the bags under Michael’s eyes to styling his wild hair to perfection, freeing up Michael’s vision so he could finally read the letter from Luke.

_Hey Michael,_

_I hope you’re enjoying yourself on tour! I’m still in love with your album. It’s gotten me through a lot. I saw some videos from a few of your shows and you sound even better live than you do on your studio tracks. You have a show here soon, but unfortunately I can’t go. Jack’s been working so hard to take care of me and I don’t want to ask him for any more money. But I’ll be catching all of the updates online and supporting you from my bedroom, don’t worry._

Luke went on to talk about how school was, and Michael’s heart hurt at the way Luke was trying so hard to stay strong. By the sounds of it things weren’t getting any better, and even though Michael didn’t know him personally, he knew that Luke didn’t deserve to have people taunting him every day. No one did.

“Your hair’s done,” Ashton said. “Get up; it’s time to get dressed.” He gave Michael’s shoulder a pat, ushering him out of the chair. Michael quickly finished reading the last line of the letter, smiling at the familiar phrase that made his heart flutter. _‘Thanks again for everything you do; god only knows what I’d be without you.’_ Luke signed every letter the same, and even though he had millions of fans all around the world, nothing had ever made Michael feel as special as the first time he read those words.

He got up out of the chair and let Ashton guide him over to the corner of the room where a silver clothing rod attached to a pair of wheels was sitting. Ashton pulled the makeshift closet so that he could get a better look at the options hanging from the thin, black hangers lining the rod.

“I was thinking we should go with one of your cut off tanks,” Ashton said, grabbing one of the black tank tops hanging from the rod, “and a pair of skinnies like usual. I saw these the other day and I thought that if anyone could pull them off, it’s you.” He turned to face Michael holding a pair of faded back skinny jeans with brightly coloured patches covering the legs. There were a few randomly placed star-shaped patches around the groin and inner thighs, and Michael was secretly in love with them.

“They’re great, Ash,” Michael said, taking the jeans and holding them up in front of his waist. He swiveled around to face one of the mirrors, tilting his head to get a look at how they looked up against him.

“Those are so you,” Calum said, folding his arms and sinking down into one of the salon chairs. “Nice find, Ashton.” His voice was slick with that disgustingly sweet tone he used only on Ashton, and Michael resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“I’m gonna get dressed and then I’ll write Luke,” he announced, grabbing the tank top out of Ashton’s hands and laying it down on one of the chairs. He pulled his shirt over his head, careful not to mess up his hair. He knew how annoyed Ashton got when he had to do it twice.

After pulling on the jeans - and discreetly checking out how they made his ass look in the mirror - he asked Calum where he could find a pen and paper.

“Already covered,” Calum said, picking up a pen, piece of paper, and envelope from where he had placed them on the shelf closest to him. He passed them to Michael with a smirk, reaching into his pocket to retrieve a stamp.

“You’re an ass,” Michael said half-heartedly, grabbing a box of tissues to use as a lap desk.

“Don’t be mean to him,” Ashton scolded, “or he won’t be your best man at your wedding.”

“Yeah,” Calum agreed, sticking out his tongue when Michael shot him a glare.

“Neither of you are invited to my wedding, you’re both asses,” Michael said, but his smile betrayed him.

“You love us,” Calum said, hopping up from the chair and leaning down to plant a wet kiss on Michael’s cheek. “Come on, Ash. Let’s leave him be.”

“Don’t you dare mess that hair up, Michael,” Ashton warned. Michael waved his hand at both of them, shooing them away so that he could focus on writing Luke a reply. It took him a few minutes to get started, but once he wrote the first line the rest came smoothly. It was easier than he thought it would be initially. It felt like he already knew Luke, even though he only knew him through his letters, and Michael wanted his own letter to be perfect in the hopes that it would be enough to cheer Luke up when he was feeling down. He wanted to do more than just write a letter. He wanted Luke to know that he cared.

He looked around the room for his phone, spotting it a few chairs down from the one he was sitting in. He got up and went over to grab his phone. After punching in his pass code, he pulled up his manager’s contact number and hit ‘call’.

“Hey, Adam? I need two backstage passes for the Sydney show.”


	2. eyes are open finally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The chief beauty about time is that you cannot waste it in advance.The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you, as perfect, as unspoiled, as if you had never wasted or misapplied a single moment in all your life. You can turn over a new leaf every hour if you choose.” - Arnold Bennett

**_ May 3rd, 2014 _ **

Luke was blessed to have gotten the one room in the house that had a window seat. It was mostly used for stacking his clothes and books for school, but every once in a while he would clear off the bench and tuck his knees under his chin and watch the sun set. Despite the suburban houses cluttering the skyline, Luke had a decent view of the sky, and when he did choose to sit and watch the clouds go by, he’d always wonder why he didn’t do it more often. It was calming, and he enjoyed the way the sky always made him feel small. It was just a big, endless canopy built up of an entire spectra of colours, and next to such a vast canvas, Luke was nothing.

Ever since he was child, Luke had never been one to be afraid of death. There were no books about what happened when you died, no movies showing what it would be like. All Luke had ever found were theories, and theories were baseless without solid proof, so he’d never come to a conclusion on his own beliefs.

It was okay though; he wasn’t afraid. There were a million things in this world that were terrifying enough. A plane could fall out of the sky, or a pack of wild dogs once used for sadistic experimentation could be set loose. Someone could walk into his school with a weapon, or he could wake up tomorrow and never be able to see again. Dying had never been a rational thing to be afraid of; at least, not to Luke.

Losing someone else to death, though, was a whole other world of terror.

You wake up from a dream where you have wings. Your mom made pancakes and the smell is enough to rouse you from your slumber. The table is set and your family is already awake and bustling around with the excitement of a new day. Your dad is laughing at something your brother said, but you’re too tired to appreciate the joke, let alone the sound of a loved one’s laughter. It’s sensory overload, and you want to go back to bed and dream about flying over top of the Empire State Building, which you’ve only ever gotten to visit in you sleep.

You don’t say goodbye before you leave for school. You’ll see them later, just like you always do. You don’t think anything of it.

You don’t expect to come home at lunchtime because your brother called the school and asked that you be sent home. You don’t think about the millions of bad things that could have happened. All you think is ‘ _sweet, no school.’_

Luke hadn’t expected any of it.

“What are you thinking about?”

Luke turned his head to find Jack stepping past the threshold and into Luke’s room. He was wearing a burgundy coloured sweater with white drawstrings and a pair of dark blue jeans. His black socks clashed with the off-white carpeting, and Luke couldn’t help but noticed how much Jack stood out.

His room was what some might call ‘soft’. His walls were painted a light blue, so paired with the carpeting it was very bright space. The window let in a bounty of natural light, so much so that Luke rarely had to turn is light on during the day. A white desk was set up against the wall opposite his bed, and there was never much clutter crowding up the empty floor space. He had a few posters hung up along the walls and his bedding was a plain navy blue. Luke loved his room. It had character while still lacking personality, and Luke felt like he too was an oxymoron.

“Death,” Luke replied dejectedly. Jack snickered, padding across the room to sit on the window seat next to Luke.

“That’s always fun,” he said, reaching up to push Luke’s hair out of his face. He’d decided to skip the quiff today, choosing instead to let his natural hair flop around and fall in his eyes. He needed a haircut, but he never had the energy to ask Jack to make him an appointment.

“You’re home early,” Luke commented, changing the subject. He could think about death another time.

“We have stuff to do tonight,” Jack said. Luke frowned, moving his arm to nudge his brother’s leg.

“Stuff?” he asked. “What kind of stuff?”

“You’ll see,” Jack said, nudging Luke right back. He hopped up from the bench and started walking towards the door. “Come on, we’re going out.”

“Do we have to?” Luke groaned, but he swung his legs down from the bench anyway. He stood up and stretched his arms out.

“Yes, we have to,” Jack said, faking a tone of disbelief. “Trust me, Luke. You need this.”

“Fine,” Luke said, grabbing one of the sweaters he had hanging behind his door and following Jack out of his room. “But if you take me somewhere stupid, I’m gonna trade your shampoo for Nair.”

Jack only laughed as they headed out to the car. Luke climbed into the passenger seat and hit eject on the CD port. He opened up one of the consoles and pulled out the 40 slot CD case he kept in Jack’s car. He unzipped the case and began flipping through the pages of CD’s to find what he was looking for.

“Are we listening to your golden boy?” Jack asked, shutting his door and sticking the key in the ignition. The car rumbled as it started up, the engine making the car vibrate as it came to life.

“Not today,” Luke said, smiling fondly as he passed Michael’s album. “I was thinking _The Young and the Hopeless_.”

Jack hummed in approval. It was Jack who had introduced Luke to Good Charlotte in the first place, and they still loved to jam out together when they drove somewhere.

They didn’t get to go out as much as they did before the accident. Jack was busy with work, and Luke was busy with school. It wasn’t like they used to go out a lot either, but the two of them and their oldest brother, Ben, used to go to the movies or get ice cream together when they were all feeling friendly and civil. Now the only time Luke went out was if Jack made him, like today.

Luke turned up the stero as Jack pulled out of the driveway. It wasn’t quite dark yet, but the way the entire world seemed to glow in a haze of blue told Luke that it would be soon. There were always those few minutes of blue before everything went dark. Every time it happened, Luke would find himself lost in the colour blue. After a while, he wouldn’t even be paying attention. He’d look out the window a few minutes later and find that everything had gone black. Luke always missed watching the blue fade into night. It would always creep up on him and change without his knowledge.

It seemed like a lot of things were like that.

They weren’t on the road for long. Jack clearly had a destination in mind, and Luke found himself already becoming restless at the uncertainty of what Jack had planned. He kept trying to figure out where they might be going, but he couldn’t pinpoint where they were. This neighborhood didn’t look familiar, and Luke was curious as to how Jack even knew about this place.

“I was doing some research online,” Jack said, interrupting Luke’s thoughts. “I found this little place that has tons of good reviews, and they take walk-ins, so I thought we should check it out.”

They pulled into a parking lot off the side of the road. It was practically empty; only a few cars lined up in the parking spaces beside the building that Luke assumed was their destination. It was already too dark to get an idea of what the place looked like, but when Luke looked up at the building he saw the word ‘ _tattoo_ ’ in bright, red lights.

Jack pulled into one of the empty spots closest to the building and turned the car off. He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the door, turning to look at Luke in the process.

“You coming?” he asked.

“Why are we at a tattoo parlor?”  Luke asked, hesitantly unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out of the car. Jack walked around the car and fell into step beside Luke.

“I thought we could check it out,” Jack shrugged, “maybe get you pierced.”

“I didn’t bring money,” Luke said, remembering his talk with Jack with about possibly getting his lip pierced. He had just enough money left from birthdays and Christmas to get it done, but there hadn’t been much talk of it since.

“If I wanted your money I’d have told you to bring it,” Jack said, throwing an arm around Luke and guiding them to the door. “This is on me.”

“Everything’s on you,” Luke said, ducking out from under Jack’s arm. He stopped walking and stared at Jack. “You pay for everything. This isn’t something I need, Jack. I can pay for it myself.”

“Luke, it’s not a big deal,” Jack said calmly, turning to face Luke. “You’ve been in a rut, okay? Ever since-”

“Don’t,” Luke interrupted. “Just don’t.”

“I just want to do something to cheer you up,” Jack said. “I can’t make the kids at school stop being dicks and I can’t rewind the past six months, but I can get you a damn lip ring. I love that you don’t take anything for granted and that you don’t wanna ask me for anything that you don’t need, but Luke, I’m telling you it’s okay.”

“And I’m telling you I can pay for it myself,” Luke whispered softly, taking a few steps closer to Jack. “You gave up everything for me.”

“Did mom and dad buy you things?” Jack asked suddenly. Luke sucked in a breath. He hated talking about them, and Jack knew that. He felt his heart start to beat faster and his palms begin to clam up.

“Yes,” Luke answered, fighting his own body to keep his breathing even. 

“Why?” Jack asked, voice softer this time.

“I don’t know,” Luke said, “because they loved me?”

“Exactly. Look, Luke, they can’t do that anymore. I’m your guardian now, okay? I’m the one that has to look out for you, and I fucking love you, damn it. If I want to buy you something just because you’re my brother and I love you, then I will. You don’t have to feel guilty about it,” Jack explained. He took a few steps closer to Luke until they were right in front of each other.

“I love you,” was all Luke said before he was wrapping his arms around his brother’s waist and falling into his chest. There were tears brimming in the corners of his eyes, but he pulled them back with a big sniff. He felt Jack’s arms swallow him whole, and his head settled on top of Luke’s own.

“I love you too, little bro,” Jack said gently.

They stood like that for a few minutes, holding each other in the middle of the parking lot. The world around them felt empty; there were no sounds of traffic or people to remind them that they weren’t alone on the earth, and Luke felt himself holding on to Jack even tighter than he already was. He was the only person Luke had left, and he was so utterly grateful for everything that Jack did for him. Luke didn’t know if he deserved to have a brother has wonderful as Jack, but he was so fucking glad that he did. Everything that he’d been through, Jack had always been right there beside him. Even before the accident, when Luke’s biggest problem had been coming out, Jack had been his confident. He encouraged him and told him that it was okay, that he was the same Luke he had always been and that if anyone had a problem with it they would have to go through him. Jack was Luke’s best friend.

When they pulled apart Luke’s face was damp and even Jack looked misty-eyed. This time Luke didn’t shy away when Jack dropped an arm around his shoulder and guided them into the tattoo shop.

It was surprisingly clean for such a small building. The floor was tiled in black and white checkers and all of the furniture was red. Luke could tell they were going for a vintage, retro look, and albeit a tad cheap, it wasn’t awful.

Jack led him to the counter and asked about prices and how long it would take and how much it would hurt. Luke knew he should be paying attention but he was distracted by all the tattoo designs hanging on the wall. There were frames lined up on every single wall showcasing each tattoo artist and their original designs. Some were flowers or tribal pieces, while others were just different lettering options. All of them were beautiful.

After a bit of paperwork for both Luke and Jack, they were led to a room in the back of the parlor where a large black chair was set up. It looked like the type of chair you would see at the dentist, and suddenly Luke felt his body begin to shake at the reality of what he was about to do.

“You okay?” Jack asked. He took a seat on the stool that was meant for the piercer and held his hand out to Luke.

“Just nervous,” Luke said, taking Jack’s hand and sitting precariously on the large black chair in the middle of the room.

“You’ll be fine,” Jack reassured him. “They said it wouldn’t even hurt that much, and if it does you can squeeze my hand.”

Luke sent him a thankful look just as the piercer walked in. The piercer was a woman who looked to be about 45 and was covered in tattoos. A little silver point was sticking out of the skin below her lower lip, and Luke felt himself relax knowing that she had been through this herself before and would be able to tell him exactly what to expect and how to care for the piercing.

The woman was nice, and she helped Luke lean back and get comfortable. She said her name was Rose and began explaining the procedure and asked if he would like a stud or a ring.

“Ring,” Luke said, giving Rose and smile before turning his attention to the ceiling. Rose started cleaning around Luke’s lip and Jack gave Luke’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

Once the area was clean, Rose drew on a small dot where the piercing would be. She gave him a little hand-held mirror so Luke could make sure it was exactly where he wanted it. It was, so he gave her a nod, and within the next few minutes the needle had went through his skin and a shiny black ring was now sticking out proudly from his swollen lip.

“Did it hurt?” Jack asked. “You barely squeezed my hand.”

“It actually wasn’t that bad,” Luke said, smiling wide and awkwardly due to the unfamiliarity of the piercing.

“It’s going to be a bit tender for a few days and might hurt a bit while it’s healing,” Rose told him. “Make sure you don’t play with it, and always wash your hands before cleaning it.”

She led them back to the main room so that Jack could pay. Luke spotted a small mirror sitting on the counter and he went over to it to get another look at his new piercing. He gently poked the inside of his lip with his tongue, careful not to push the piercing around or hurt himself in any way. He liked the way it looked. He felt a little more punk rock than he did an hour ago, and he was looking forward to having something exciting to tell Michael in his next letter.

After Rose had given him a cleaning solution and some instructions on how to care for it, Luke and Jack headed out of the shop and back to the car.

“Thanks for this,” Luke said, hitting eject again on the stereo and changing the CD.

“It looks sick,” Jack said. He turned the interior light on and leaned over to get another look at Luke’s piercing. “Not gonna lie, I half expected you to back out.”

“I’m no wimp,” Luke pouted. Only half of it was intentional; his lip was incredibly swollen so the pout was mostly due to that.

“No, you aren’t,” Jack said fondly, putting the key in the ignition and changing the gear to drive. Luke slid in Michael’s CD and Jack smiled and shook his head.

“Shut up,” Luke said reflexively.

“I didn’t say anything!” Jack laughed. “I bet your golden boy would be proud.”

The drive home seemed shorter than the drive to the tattoo parlor, so before he knew it Luke was back home and tucked into bed. He’d cleaned his piercing for nearly 20 minutes before Jack was yelling at him and telling him to leave it alone. Luke knew he was right, but he didn’t want to risk getting an infection or having to take it out.

It felt weird, but it felt nice. It kind of felt like Luke had hoped it would - like he was changing. Maybe if he changed, things around him would too. Maybe the warmth in his belly that felt suspiciously like happiness was a sign that better days were coming.

The next morning was a weekend, and Luke was grateful. His lip was even more swollen than the night before, and he hadn’t thought that was possible. He made sure to clean it well before heading out to the kitchen to make something for breakfast. Just as he was about to settle on a bowl of cereal, he heard Jack shuffle into the kitchen. He didn’t have a shirt on, but he was a wearing a pair of pajama pants Luke had gotten him a few years about for Christmas.

“Put a shirt on,” Luke said, grabbing a bowl out of the cupboard. Jack ignored him and let out a loud yawn.

“Let’s make pancakes,” Jack said, walking over to Luke and snatching the bowl out of his hands. He started digging around in drawers to find all of the things they would need. Luke pulled all of the ingredients out of the fridge and found his mom’s old recipe book.

“We haven’t done this in ages,” Luke commented, flipping through the worn book and smiling when he saw a meal that brought back memories of his family.

“Exactly,” Jack said, cracking an egg and tossing the shells into the sink.

“Put them in the garbage,” Luke reprimanded, sitting down the book and going behind Jack to fish the egg shells out of the sink.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jack said. This was an old argument, one that neither of them ever won.

“It bothers me,” Luke huffed, but he was in too good of a mood to be truly upset over it. He was still high off the feeling of getting his lip pierced, and he was wondering how long the happiness would last.

“I’m gonna go check the mail,” Jack said, holding out the spoon he was using to mix the batter and offering it to Luke. Luke took it and picked up where Jack had left off, stirring the batter and watching all of the little bits of flour turn to liquid.

Jack returned a few minutes later with a stack of mail in his hands. Most of them were flyers, a few of them bills, but one sharp white envelope stood out among the rest.

“Anything good?” Luke asked, looking up from the batter to get a glimpse at the mail Jack was rifling through. He didn’t answer for a while; too busy flipping through the bills and coupons to pay Luke any attention. Luke watched him read through every envelope and flyer, filing them while he went from most to least important. He was ready to accept that Jack wasn’t going to answer, probably because they never got anything interesting in the mail, when Jack’s eyebrows furrowed briefly. Luke frowned and the watched as Jack’s eyes grew wide.

“Luke,” Jack said carefully, “step away from the batter.”

Luke frowned, setting the spoon down so that the handle rested against the edge of the mixing bowl. He walked over to Jack and took the letter out of his hands.

“What is - oh my god.”

“Open it!”

Luke felt his heart start pounding in his chest. All of the sudden his entire body was shaking so much that he couldn’t even read the sender information in the corner of the envelope, but it didn’t matter. He knew what it said.

_Michael Clifford._

“Luke, if you don’t open it, I will,” Jack said, reaching over to take the envelope out of Luke’s hands. Luke dodged him, spinning around and pacing into the living room. He walked the length of the room seven times, just staring at the letter in his hands, before his legs hit the couch and he was sinking down into the cushions.

This couldn’t be real. This had to be some sort of joke, or a misunderstanding. There’s no way in hell that _Michael Clifford_ had written him back.

Luke knew there was only one way to find out, so he took a deep breath and carefully opened up the envelope.

“Holy shit there’s a letter in here,” Luke said. Jack groaned and lightly smacked him on the back of the head before tossing himself on the cushion beside Luke.

“Of course there’s a letter in there,” Jack said. “I would hope you’re not in love with someone dumb enough to send an envelope with no letter.”

Luke wasn’t listening anymore. There was a letter in his hands from Michael _fucking_ Clifford, Jack’s teasing didn’t matter. It didn’t even exist, as far as Luke was concerned. All that mattered was the fact that he was holding a letter that Michael had written to _him._

“What’s it say?” Jack asked, leaning over to try and get a peek at the letter. Luke angled his body away, wanting to keep whatever Michael had to say to him private.

“Gimme a chance to read it, would you?” Luke said.

_Hey Luke,_

_I thought it was about time I said something back. I’ve been reading your letters for so long now and I’m so sorry it took me this long to respond! I’m really fucking awkward sometimes, but I hope you aren’t too upset with me for not sending you anything sooner._

_Anyways, I really hope you’re doing better than you were when you last wrote me. It’s honestly breaking my heart to hear about you being upset, but I’m glad that my music has been helping you get through things. That’s always what I wanted it to do, and if I’ve helped you then my entire life has been worth something._

_There are so many things that I should touch up on. I hope your brother is doing well! Let him know I said hi, and that he better be taking good care of you._

_I hope things have gotten better at school. I know what that’s like. People used to pick on me all the time when I was going to school, and that’s part of why I dropped out to pursue music. Please don’t drop out, though. I kind of regret not finishing, so don’t end up like me! Just remember that there are people out there who care about you, Luke. People you haven’t even met yet. I’m one of them, by the way._

_I’d love to be able to talk to you more and not just try to reply to a year’s worth of letters with this shitty response. Maybe if you reply you can let me know what your twitter account is? I’d love to follow you and have a chat sometime!_

_I’m really sorry to hear that you can’t make it to the Sydney show. That’s always been my favourite one. Sydney will always be home. I was thinking if you didn’t have any plans, you’d like to come anyways? There should be two tickets with the letter, but if they got lost or something happened just let me know and I can get you more. I don’t send a lot of mail so I don’t know how often things like lost concert tickets happen, but I hope it’s not a lot._

_Anyways, I’m really looking forward to seeing you there, and hopefully talking before then?_

_Have a good day Luke. I hope the sun is shining in Sydney!_

_Love,_

_Michael_

“Oh my god,” Luke said, letting out the breath he had apparently been holding. “Oh my god.”

“What’s it say?” Jack asked again. Luke handed him the letter before sitting up. He didn’t know what to do. Michael had written him back. Michael had read his letters. Michael knew his name and his brother’s name and his life and where he lived and _Michael knew who he was_.

Michael wanted to talk to him.

Luke snapped out of his haze, still in some degree of shock. He grabbed the envelope from where it had fallen between his legs and looked inside. Just as the letter said, two concert tickets dated for the Sydney show were sitting inside.

“What are those?” Jack asked when Luke pulled the tickets out.

“Concert tickets,” Luke said, stunned. “They’re for his show that’s coming up.”

“You never mentioned he had show here!” Jack exclaimed, grabbing the tickets to look at them.

“I knew you’d want to get them,” Luke said. “I didn’t want to say anything.”

“Luke,” Jack said, “these aren’t just concert tickets. They’re backstage passes.”

“Wait, what?” Luke asked, feeling his heart start to pound again. This was too much. When he’d woken up this morning, he had no idea that any of this would happen. Luke thought he was going to pass out.

“They’re backstage passes,” Jack repeated. “Luke, you’re gonna get to meet him.”

 

***

 

**_ May 11th, 2014 _ **

He was going to go deaf one of these days. The combination of sitting too close to the TV and playing his music too loud was already enough to start deteriorating his eardrums. Now that he could add ’15,000 screaming teenagers every night’ to the list, Michael was 600% sure he would be deaf by the time he was 25.

He couldn’t deny that he loved it though; the screaming fans, the amplified guitars. It was the sweetest sound in the world. Nothing else had ever made him feel such an intense rush of adrenaline as performing for a crowd did. The high was natural and addictive. Michael was hooked.

For every performance he had, Michael tried to give it his all. In fact, he always pushed for _more_ than his all. Every guitar riff would be more intricate, every lyric sung louder, and every jump an inch higher. Calum kept telling him he was going to break his leg one of these days, but Michael would just laugh and say it would be a good excuse to have his management team let him strap on a harness and fly over the crowd.

Michael was adamant on every one of his shows being an experience you could never forget. It was a big stage, and Michael was only one person, so he made sure to take up as much space as possible. He always had to switch his mindset from Michael, to _Michael Clifford._ He’d come to find that if he went on stage believing that he was larger than life, everyone watching him perform would feel the same way.

In reality, Michael didn’t feel anything other than ordinary. When he ran backstage after a performance, he went back to being Just Michael. He’d wipe his face and chug a bottle of water, and then it was off to whatever hotel he was staying at to take a shower and attempt to get a good night’s sleep.

Sometimes the front he had to put on for performances was exhausting. It wasn’t in his nature to believe that he was something special. It still blew his mind that he had come so far, and he didn’t know if he would ever get used to what his life had become.

“Great show, man,” Calum said, slapping a hand on Michael’s back and handing him a bottle of water. Michael pulled off the cap and immediately began chugging it down. Ashton was standing nearby, hands clasped around a white towel that would be drenched in Michael’s sweat soon enough.

“Thanks,” Michael panted, using the back of his hand to swipe at the water trickling down his chin. He grabbed the towel out of Ashton’s hands and began dabbing it around his face and neck.

“The crowd was insane,” Ashton said, taking the now empty water bottle from Michael and tossing it in the recycling bin. “I need some ear plugs if I’m gonna keep standing here and watching every night.”

“I told you already, you don’t have to watch,” Michael groaned, “it’s the same thing every night. It’s gotta be boring by now.”

“Oh, it was boring by like, the second time,” Calum teased, helping take the sound pack out of Michael’s shirt. The wires attached to his ear piece were all tangled, as usual. Michael’s fingers could play a mean guitar solo, but if you asked him to untie a knot you wouldn’t be impressed. He always had to get Calum to help him.

“How many times do I have to call you a dick, Cal?” Michael asked, giving Calum’s arm a playful shove.

“Come on,” Ashton said, interrupting them before an argument had the chance to develop. It wouldn’t, of course, but Ashton was always acting as the mother goose. “There’s takeout in the green room.”

The three of them headed down the hallway of the arena until they reached the green room, Michael thanking the crew members he saw along the way. His shows would be nothing without the hard work of each and every team member, and Michael wanted them all to know that he doesn’t take their contributions for granted. Without them, there would be no stage, no lights, and no sound system. It would just be Michael with a guitar, and while that used to be good enough for him when he was 15, he needs a bit more amplification these days.

Just as Ashton promised, a table was set up in the middle of the green room covered in different takeout dishes. Michael spotted the Chinese noodles he loved, so he grabbed the entire container and plopped down on the sofa.

“Yeah, don’t share or anything,” Calum joked. Michael rolled his eyes and shoved a mouthful of noodles into his mouth, chewing them for a few seconds before opening up his mouth and sticking his tongue out at Calum.

“Classy as ever,” Ashton said, turning up his nose at Michael and looking away. He grabbed one of the styrofoam plates and started dishing out various foods. Calum followed suit, and Michael watched as they offered each other forks and traded the containers around. Calum kept spooning out food onto Ashton’s plate, and Ashton would whisper a thank you and offer to do the same for him. Michael thought he might lose his appetite.

“Can you guys stop being married for like, two seconds, and come join me?” Michael complained loudly. Calum shot him a glare, but obliged, spooning a final helping of fresh garden salad onto his plate before coming over to the couch to sit beside Michael.

“You smell,” Calum said, angling his body away from Michael and scrunching his nose up in disgust.

“I’ll shower when we get back to the hotel,” Michael told him. He bowed his head to sniff near his armpit. Calum was right, he did smell.

“Can you do that literally any other time?” Ashton asked. “Some of us are trying to eat without throwing up.”

Michael rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything. He shoveled another forkful of noodles into his mouth, closing his eyes and enjoying the fact that it was finally quiet. He always got a headache after a show; the sounds of the music and the screaming crowd sent his brain into a fit of distress. It was always nice to enjoy a quiet meal when he was winding down from a show.

They didn’t stay in the green room for long. As soon as they were done eating, someone came in to usher them all out to a vehicle that would take them to the hotel they were staying at. Michael was grateful for the urgency. It was bad enough sitting around all day waiting to go onstage. Waiting to go home was just plain torture.

It was a half hour ride back to the hotel. Normally Michael would chat with the boys, but tonight he was already feeling fatigued. He put his headphones in and pressed play on the most calming playlist he had on his phone. It was mostly acoustic versions of his favourite songs, but there were a few instrumentals he’d found that were in movies he liked. The variety was soothing, and Michael found his eyes drooping as he stared out of the window.

When they got to the hotel, a member of his team went to check them all in. Ashton went with him, and after a few minutes he came back with their key cards. He handed one to both Michael and Calum, and then led them to the elevator to go to their floor. They were all staying in the same hallway, but they had different rooms. Michael would’ve been open to sharing, but sometimes his insomnia kept him up so late that he would just give up and start playing games on his phone or watch a movie.

The elevator ride was short, and when the doors opened up Michael was already saying goodbye to his friends and heading down the hall to find his room. He wanted to shower as quickly as he could so that maybe he would still be tired once he got out. He doubted it would be the case, but hey, a guy could hope.

He swiped his card and pushed the door open once he’d heard the lock click. The room was average enough – a queen-sized bed across the wall from a TV, a bathroom, and a small closet near the door. There was a window on the farthest wall, but after peeking out of the blinds Michael found that the only view he had was of another hotel. It didn’t matter; he wasn’t here for the scenery.

He tossed his overnight bag on the bed and started digging through it to find his toiletries. As he was digging, he found a bottle of hair dye that he’d been carrying around and waiting for the right moment to use. It was just black; perfect to cover up whatever colour he had going to at the time. At the moment it was blond, just a few shades lighter than his natural colour. He’d wanted to dye it for a while, but he knew he shouldn’t tonight.

 _Focus,_ he told himself. Shower, then sleep. Shower, then sleep.

After grabbing what he needed for his shower, Michael headed to the bathroom. He went straight for the shower, turning it up until there was steam filling up the bathroom and he could already feel himself getting warm. He shucked off his clothes and stepped into the small tub, immediately letting out a sigh as the warm water hit his skin.

It didn’t take him long to shower. Sometimes he liked to take his time, but tonight he wanted to get some sleep. His insomnia had been getting worse lately, and every hour of rest he managed to get was vital to his career and his performances. That last thing he wanted was to be too tired to put on a good show and risk disappointing his fans.

When he stepped out of the shower, he could already tell that the sleepiness he’d felt in the car was slipping away. He wasn’t surprised, this happened all the time. He would be nearly falling asleep in his own lap and then ten minutes later he would be wide awake. It used to frustrate him so badly that he would end up falling asleep after crying for hours and wearing himself out. Now he was just used to it.

He ran a hand through his hair and wrapped a towel around his waist. He didn’t bother drying off. It wasn’t like he was going to put on anything more than a pair of underwear, so there was no point in exerting himself any more than he had to. His body was already tired enough.  

Michael opened the bathroom door and was headed towards the bed when something on the floor caught his eye.

It was a golden letter.

Michael’s heart picked up as he bent down to pick it up, holding his towel closed with one hand. There was a sticky note stuck to the top of the letter, and once he was upright and his towel was secure around his hips, he picked the note off of the letter and read what it said.

_Got your mail, forgot to tell you. You and I both know this is the only one you really care about anyways. Enjoy ;)_

_\- Cal_

Okay, that was a lie. Michael cared about all of his fan letters. It just so happened that he had a _preference_ in envelope colour. Or something. Whatever.

He crumpled up the sticky note and tossed it into the trash can on his way over to the bed. He pulled a pair of boxers out of his back and dropped his towel so that he could slip them on. Once he was comfortable, he crawled into the middle of the bed and sat with his legs crossed. He took a deep breath before opening up the envelope.

_Hey Michael,_

_I’m a little bit in shock that you actually replied. I guess I’ve always assumed that you didn’t even read your fan mail. I’m sure you’re very busy, so the fact that you_ do _read your mail just makes me like you even more. Plus, you knew stuff about me, which, is kind of crazy. I’m still shaking a little._

_You didn’t have to send the tickets. I hope you know that I wouldn’t be all “oh no, I can’t go to the show” just to get free tickets. I don’t want you to think that I’m that kind of person, but thank you so much for giving me a pair anyways. I’m so excited to be able to see you live. And backstage passes? I’m inclined to believe this is a joke, but I really hope it isn’t._

_Anyways, I’m so grateful for them. I’m not even sure how to thank you properly, cause like I said, I’m still in shock. Not many people would do that someone they don’t even know, and I still can’t believe that you did it for me._

_Since you wrote me, I’ve been doing a little better. I got my lip pierced, which was really exciting. It was distracting me from everything going on, that is until I got your letter and you sort of blew that out of the water. You really know how to make a guy’s day._

_My twitter account is @lukehemhem , please don’t laugh. You don’t have to add me of course, but yeah._

_I hope you’re doing well. Make sure you get enough sleep._

_Thank you for the tickets, and your letter. It really made my day. Probably my year, actually._

_Thanks again for everything you do; god only knows what I’d be without you._

_Love,_

_Luke_

Michael couldn’t help the smile that was glued on his face. Of course Luke would be the type to be nervous about getting free tickets and telling Michael his Twitter handle. In a way, it only made Michael grow fonder of him. Luke seemed like a genuinely nice guy. He didn’t expect anything from Michael, or want anything in return for his letters. He just needed someone to talk to; someone to listen and know what he’s going through. Someone who cared.

He leaned down off the side of the bed and fished round for his jeans. Once he found them, he pulled his phone out of one of the pockets and punched in his pass code. His screen unlocked and Michael immediately clicked on the Twitter app. The little white bird popped up on his screen, and a second later his timeline showed up. Hitting the search bar, Michael typed in _lukehemhem_ , smiling as he did so. He couldn’t help it; it was a cute name.

Michael hit follow on the first profile that showed up. The username was right, so he clicked to see what the whole profile looked like. There wasn’t much on it; mostly retweets and only a few things in his favourites. There were no pictures except for the one Luke had set as his icon. It wasn’t even a picture of him, it was a small puppy that looked like it was smiling.

Normally Michael didn’t care what someone’s Twitter page looked like, but he had been looking forward to finding out more about Luke. He wanted to know what his other interests were, if he sounded the same in his tweets as he did in his letters, and what he looked like. He wanted to know as much as possible about the boy, and after a bit of thinking, he knew that there was only one way he could do so.

The little Direct Message button was right there. All he had to do was click on it.

For some reason, Michael found himself growing extremely anxious. He shouldn’t be so afraid to talk to someone. After meeting so many people throughout the past year and performing for thousands of people a night, Michael had learned that it was better to just be open and friendly. He didn’t get nervous talking to people anymore unless he was meeting one of his idols, or someone he recognized as extremely influential in the music business.

This felt different, but he didn’t know why. Luke was just a fan. Michael talked to fans all the time and had never felt his heart race like it was right now. His palms didn’t sweat and he didn’t second guess himself. He didn’t even know what Luke looked like, so it wasn’t like he was intimidated by his appearance. None of this made any sense.

He hit the Direct Message button out of spite towards his own anxiety. He wasn’t about to become a nervous wreck over someone he’d never even formally talked to before. There was no reason for him to be feeling so afraid.

His fingers hovered over the keyboard for a moment, thinking about what to say. It was another five minutes before he was able to actually type something out.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _hey!_

Literary genius. How he ever managed to write a song was beyond him.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _holy shit_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _fuck, I mean, hey!_

The response came faster than Michael had expected. He chuckled, already feeling the nerves that had been shaking him start to fade away. Luke was just a normal guy. There was nothing to be afraid of.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I just got your letter and I maybe added you as soon as I read it. how are you?_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _not gonna lie, I’m freaking out a bit right now, but other than that I’m actually doing okay!_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _wait, what time is it there? last I heard you were in London which would mean it’s like, way after midnight_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _that was weird. that was weird and creepy, I’m so sorry_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _no omg, you’re fine! I’m really glad you’re good ! :) yeah it’s like 1 or something I think idk I don’t sleep lol_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I specifically remember saying in the letter to make sure you got enough sleep, or did you just stop reading as soon as I mentioned my twitter account? :P_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _…maybe_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _jk, I read the whole thing. I just have trouble sleeping sometimes, it sucks_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _Yeah I know what you mean. I get nightmares a lot, it’s shitty_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _Fuck, those are the worst. I have insomnia, so most nights I’m up pretty late, if I even sleep at all_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _shit, how do you manage to do shows and stuff? wouldn’t that be like, crazy stressful? I can barely get out of bed for school_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I guess it helps that I enjoy it :P_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _how’s school been going? Should I come bash some heads together?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _wait pls don’t screenshot that I don’t condone violence_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _LOL don’t worry, what’s said in the dm’s stays in the dm’s._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _school is school. assholes are assholes. I’m just glad I don’t have much longer left. I’m looking into taking my last year online so I don’t have to deal with any of the bullshit._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _yeah, school was never that good to me either. everyone has something to say about everything, and no one gives a shit who they hurt. taking classes online is a really good idea!_

Michael had missed this. He missed talking to someone that wasn’t asking him about what it was like being famous or what colour he was going to dye his hair or what he looked for in a relationship. He missed just talking about school and how much it sucked, and getting to know someone without them making him feel like he was any different than they were.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _did people ever pick on you? like, really pick on you? ‘name calling, shoved into lockers, spitballs in homeroom’ type pick on you?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _no, nothing like that. for me it was more like, getting left out of things a lot. people called me a freak but for the most part they left me alone. I think it was cause I scared them_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _do people do those things to you????_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _yeah.. I mean I’m kind of used to it. it just sucks_

Michael remembered how vicious high school kids could be. It wasn’t like they showed you on TV, at least not for him. He had always been the outcast, the ‘weird’ kid no one wanted to talk to. The one that got picked last in gym class and was always blamed when someone else farted. The only friend he’d had in high school had been Calum.

To know that Luke was dealing with the stereotypical high school bullies and not just the silent shunning Michael had been through himself made him pissed. He hated that people could be so inconsiderate and rude just because of something that Luke couldn’t change. Besides, even if Luke _could_ change, he shouldn’t have to. He shouldn’t have to settle for being something he’s not just to make other people not be dicks. It wasn’t fair.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I don’t know how much this will even help, fuck, it might not even help at all. but I promise you that pretty soon none of that shit is going to matter. you’re going to find happiness in something and some stupid comment by some greasy-haired kid whose name you won’t even remember in 5 years won’t matter. you’ll do something great with your life, something that will make you happy and proud, and everyone that was ever mean to you can eat their own ass for being anything but kind to you. you’ll find a place where you fit and feel at home and all of the bullshit you had to go through will just be a bitter memory. there are so many good things just waiting for you, Luke. I promise._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I… holy shit Michael._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _thank you. fuck, just. thank you so much. I’ve needed to hear that so fucking badly. It gets so hard to keep things in perspective sometimes, so just…thank you._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I care, Luke. even reading your letters before I finally got the nerve to write you back, I always hoped to get another letter so I knew you were okay. you’re important, I promise._

Michael had never felt the need to let someone know that they were important as much as he did right now. It was clear to him that Luke hadn’t heard it nearly enough, and Michael wanted to write Luke a million letters telling him how wonderful he was so that it was imprinted in his brain forever. He knew it was strange to feel so strongly about someone he barely even knew, but at the same time, he did know Luke – sort of.

Maybe it wasn’t a lot, what Luke had told him in his letters. But clearly it was enough to leave an impression on Michael; so much so that he felt like letting Luke know that he mattered was the same as making sure Calum knew that he loved him. This was important. Luke was Important.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you are too, Michael. you’ve helped me so much and you don’t even know it. you’ve helped so many people. you gave people like me a reason to keep going, and I hope you never doubt how much of an impact you’ve had on people._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _stop, I’m blushing :*_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _but thank you. it’s things like that that make all of this worth it_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I hate to cut this short, but it’s getting so late and I should at least try to get some sleep so I don’t pass out onstage or something lol but I’d love to talk to you again, if that’s okay._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _of course! get some rest, or try. goodnight :-)_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _goodnight. or I guess, good morning for you! have a good day, Luke. I’ll talk to you soon :)_

Michael closed out of the app and turned off his phone. He really did need to get some rest. It was his last night in a hotel before he was traveling to a new city for a show, and he didn’t always get the luxury of having a queen-sized bed to sleep in.  He just hoped his insomnia would fuck off for a few hours so he could fall asleep.

It turned out luck was on his side, and after crawling under the covers and closing his eyes, Michael could already feel himself drifting off. It was a beautiful feeling, suspended in the in between of being awake and dreaming. It felt as though he was floating, and when slumber came, he dreamt he was whisked away by an unknown creature with golden wings, taking him to see a boy whom he’d never met before.


	3. i feel life for the very first time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.” - John Joseph Powell

**_ May 18th, 2014 _ **

It had been a week since Luke had first spoken with Michael over Twitter, and he still couldn’t believe that it had actually happened. The reality that he had spoken to someone he had looked up to as a role model for so many years was inconceivable. He found himself reading the messages over and over again, particularly Michael’s almost-speech about how Luke would find happiness. A small part of him felt as though he already had. The thought terrified him.

Being happy was scary. You let your guard down and forgot about all of the reasons why you were supposed to be sad. You pretended like the black hole that had been consuming you the day before was no more than a blackhead, just a small annoyance under your skin. It was so easy to get lost in such a warm feeling and forget how just yesterday you were freezing in the cold.

As much as Luke loved waking up with a smile on his face, a part of him was always so scared that with the tiniest pin prick, his balloon of joy would burst and spiral out as it deflated around him. Nothing good in his life ever stayed. Everything around him was fickle and deceiving. He wasn’t ready to grow attached to anything that might disappear at any given moment.

Happiness was dangerous.

There was a part of Luke that was always sitting on edge. He desperately wished that he could just ignore the doubt that always came creeping back into his mind, but he couldn’t. Giving himself over to happiness meant becoming weak, and that was something Luke just couldn’t afford. Not after everything he’d been through this year.

Jack, on the other hand, was exuberant over Luke’s suddenly lifted spirits. He’d heard about the first DM’s exchanged between his brother and Michael almost as soon as it happened. Luke had come bursting into his room after Michael had signed off, jumping onto his bed and crawling over top of him to show him the proof. Luke knew Jack didn’t mind. It wasn’t like he had anyone else he could share his excitement with, and Jack was always more than happy to discuss anything that made Luke smile.

As happy as Luke had been to share his interaction with Michael, he wasn’t as quick to tell Jack what had happened in the days that followed. After their first encounter, Luke had thought that would be the end of it. Sure, Michael had said they would speak again, but he didn’t expect to wake up the next day with a new message notification, which he later found out had, in fact, been from Michael. Luke had thought he was dreaming; even going as far as pinching his own skin like they did in the movies just to prove to himself that this was in fact his reality.

The conversation was never steady because of the time difference, but Luke was pleased to know that Michael seemed as eager to talk to him as he was to talk to Michael.  It was never awkward, even though Luke thought it should be. He was just a fan, and Michael was famous. Their social standing separated them, but after talking to Michael for a few days, Luke realized that Michael wasn’t much different than he was. He didn’t feel like he was bothering Michael or getting on his nerves. Michael never made Luke feel inferior or boast over his own success. It pleased Luke to know that Michael seemed to be as down to earth and _real_ as he’d always assumed him to be.

They liked a lot of the same music, which Luke wasn’t entirely surprised about. He’d already known some of Michael’s favourite bands thanks to following him throughout the years. There were a few bands Luke hadn’t heard of, but Michael was always eager to send him a link to one of his favourite songs, which Luke would return with a link from his own music collection.

Sharing music with Michael felt oddly intimate. Perhaps it was due to the fact that the only people Luke had ever been able to share to share songs or bands with were his brothers, and even then, they were the ones showing new music to Luke, not the other way around. Being able to finally be on the same level with someone was exciting, and they were already getting to know each other just through music. The fact that they were getting to know each other at all was still seen as a miracle from Luke’s point of view.

Luke wasn’t sure why he hadn’t told Jack that he was still talking to Michael. Part of him wondered if he just wanted to keep Michael to himself. It wouldn’t surprise him if that was the case. Michael had always been _his_ thing. Luke had found his YouTube channel on his own, and Michael was one of the first artists he’d started listening to that wasn’t due to the influence of his brothers.

Another part of him felt like Jack would want him to be wary getting to know his idol. Jack had always been protective of him, and that quality only intensified after the accident. Luke was grateful; he needed someone to look out for him. But it had been so long since he’d felt so _normal_ , like he was someone worth talking to. He wasn’t ready to give that up just yet.

Luke had never been the kind of person that had a ton of friends, even before everyone had found out that he was gay. He was too awkward, too shy. No one ever really noticed him before, and now the only reason they did was because he was ‘that gay kid’. Talking to Michael felt like breathing fresh air, as though the drought of companionship Luke had been suffering through all of his life was finally over. Michael was water, and Luke had been dying of thirst.

He knew it was dangerous getting attached to someone he’d looked up to for so many years. He could already feel himself getting used to having Michael sending him random messages throughout the day. There was always the chance that Michael would decide that Luke wasn’t worth his time and stop talking to him entirely. Luke kept telling himself that he would be fine if that happened, but he already knew deep down that it might kill him. He’d never felt so cared about by a person that wasn’t family. No one had ever offered him friendship or kindness before, and it was intoxicating.

The best part - or perhaps the worst – was that Michael seemed genuine. He didn’t come across as though talking to Luke was a chore. He honestly seemed interested in Luke and his life, and asked him questions about who he was and what he liked and how he felt. Of course, Luke always wondered if Michael was just trying to be nice. Maybe Michael pitied him and just wanted to keep his conscious clean. Luke _had_ been writing to him for past year, telling him about his struggles and his depression. Maybe Michael just felt bad for him. However, whenever Luke started thinking like that, Michael would say something that would make him forget about any doubts he had in Michael’s character.

It was alarming how quickly Luke became neutralized to talking to someone he’d looked up to for so many years. He didn’t feel like he was talking to ‘Michael Clifford the rock star’, save for the first time they spoke. All of the times after that just felt like how Luke imagined talking to a friend would feel. Luke prayed that Michael didn’t mind that he was already tentatively considering them friends.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _hey Luke :)_

Luke smiled at the notification that lit up his phone. He’d been sitting in the living room reading a book for school - _The Fountainhead_ \- and waiting for Jack to get home. His legs were out in front of him, his feet resting on the coffee table next to his phone. Keeping it a distance was the only way to stop himself from using it as an excuse to put the book down. It wasn’t bad, per se, just incredibly slow and about 150 pages too long.

After trying – and failing – to ignore the message, Luke accepted defeat and folded the edge of the page to mark his spot. Ayn Rand could wait.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _hey Mikey :-)_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _thank GOD you’re there, I’m so bored :(_

Luke laughed, pulling his feet up towards the couch so he could use his lap as a makeshift table for his phone.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _poor baby :-(_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I know right :( I’m so close to just falling asleep but I can’t :’’’’’’’’’’’(_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _oh no, this is serious. that’s a lot of tears_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _:’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’(_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _ok now you’re just showing off_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _why don’t you come do my book report for me, I’m gonna fall asleep too from how boring it is_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _ew no thanks, I’ll take my misery any day over a stupid book report._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _mean :-(_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I’m sorry boredom makes me bitchy :( forgive me?_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _….. ok……this time_

“Who are you talking to?”

Luke looked up from his phone and saw Jack walking into the living room. He was pulling his arms out of his sweatshirt and then over his head, tossing it into the chair that sat in the corner of the living room that no one ever used. Luke hadn’t even heard him come home.

“Uh, no one,” Luke said, just as his phone buzzed in his hand.

**_Michael Clifford:_** _yay :)_

“It doesn’t sound like no one,” Jack said, flopping down on the cushion beside Luke.

“It’s just,” Luke paused, debating whether he should tell Jack the truth or tell him a lie. “It’s Michael,” he said finally.

“Like, Michael Clifford, Michael?” Jack asked, brows furrowing and face twisting in confusion.

“Yeah,” Luke said, pulling his phone closer to his chest and lowering his head in an attempt to make himself appear smaller.

“How long has this been going on?” Jack asked, sounding genuinely surprised at Luke’s confession.

“We’ve been kind of talking ever since last week, when he first messaged me,” Luke admitted, keeping his eyes down to avoid Jack’s gaze.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack asked, using his knee to nudge Luke’s leg as a silent message that he wasn’t upset, just confused.

“I don’t know,” Luke said, finally letting himself look up at Jack. His eyes were soft, but still full of concern.

“You’re being careful, yeah?” Jack asked, giving Luke’s shoulder a pat.

“I’m not sending him nudes, Jack,” Luke said, hoping to lighten to mood.

“Don’t even joke!” Jack shouted, shutting his eyes and letting out a laugh. “I just worry about you, that’s all.”

“I know,” Luke said. “I’m okay though, I promise. He’s really nice, and we have a lot in common. I really like talking to him. It feels like we’re friends.”

“That’s good, Luke,” Jack said, giving him a hesitant smile. Luke knew there was a ‘but’ coming. “But don’t get too attached, okay?” There it is. “He’s famous, and he’s gonna be busy a lot. I don’t want you getting hurt if anything happens and he decides to stop talking to you.”

“I know, Jack,” Luke sighed. “I’ve thought about it, trust me. I’m trying. It’s just nice, you know? Having someone else to talk to feels really good.”

“I know, little bro,” Jack said. “Okay, as long as you’re being careful. I don’t want to see you get hurt, and we don’t need me getting arrested for kicking a rock star’s ass if he ends up being a dick.”

Luke and Jack both laughed for a bit, and Luke was glad that he wasn’t keeping anymore secrets. He was lucky to have a brother that cared about him as much as Jack did.

“So his concert is coming up soon, yeah?” Jack asked after a while. Luke nodded, stretching his legs out to rest on the coffee table again. He let out a puff of air and widened his eyes when he realized just how quickly the concert was approaching.

Luke wasn’t sure if he was ready to meet Michael. Talking to him definitely eased some of his anxiety, but at the same time, Luke was worried Michael might be disappointed when he saw him. He wasn’t much to look at. His hair was blond and boring, his eyes were a dull blue, and his limbs were much too lanky. He screamed ‘average’, and Michael was anything but.

Michael was soft, wild, and beautiful. His green eyes twinkled like tiny, little stars, and his smile seemed to grow bigger every day. His hair was always changing, but no matter what colour he dyed it, he always managed to pull it off effortlessly. It was almost unfair how ethereal Michael was. Next to him, Luke was nothing more than an awkward teenager with acne scars that wouldn’t fade fast enough.

“Yeah, like, two weeks I think?” Luke said. “I’m so excited.”

“Me too, actually,” Jack agreed. “I can’t wait to meet your little golden boy.”

“He isn’t _my_ anything,” Luke laughed, feeling his cheeks heat up. Jack only laughed and gripped his knee.

“Whatever you say, kid,” Jack chuckled. “I’m gonna get started on dinner, wanna help?”

Luke nodded and said he’d be there in a minute. Jack stood up and headed to the kitchen, whistling a tune Luke found vaguely familiar as he went.

Once Jack was out of the room, Luke unlocked his phone and opened up the Twitter app again. He typed out a reply to Michael, saying he had to go and wishing him good luck for his next show. He felt a little bad, considering how bored Michael was, but he knew it didn’t matter. Luke had found out right away how incredibly understanding Michael was.

“This spaghetti isn’t gonna make itself!” Jack called, banging on a pot with a wooden spoon. Luke rolled his eyes and turned his phone off.

“You may look like an adult, but you’re a child, Jack.”

 

***

 

**_ May 18th, 2014 _ **

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _hey, sorry my brother came home & he wanted to talk. gotta go make dinner. good luck at the show tonight! don’t fall lol :P _

Michael laughed at the message that finally popped up on his screen. He was happy that Luke was comfortable enough to joke around with him. Luke wasn’t nearly as shy as Michael had been led to believe by his letters. In fact, Luke loved to tease him, and he was always the one to initiate playful banter.

Luke was not who Michael expected him to be, but he wasn’t disappointed. Luke managed to be soft but brash at the same time. He was funny in his own way, and Michael found himself laughing at his phone more times a day than he could count. Talking to Luke put him in such a good mood, and Michael could tell that Calum was already catching on to how much happier he had been lately.

It wasn’t like he was sad before. Michael was relatively happy with his life, and even on his bad days, he had no trouble finding something to remind himself that he was okay, and that his life was good. He was able to handle his sadness in ways that he couldn’t when he was growing up, and he was proud of how far he had come emotionally. The difference now was that he didn’t find himself being sad at all, even on the nights his insomnia kept him awake until the sun was beginning to rise.

Calum had noticed how much cheerier Michael had been the day after he’d first spoken to Luke. Michael hadn’t even told him yet, but he didn’t need to. Calum had given him a ‘look’, and that was all Michael needed to know that Calum knew exactly what he’d done after getting Luke’s letter. When he finally confessed to messaging Luke a few days later, Calum had only smirked before asking how Luke was doing.

It was nice having someone new to talk to. After wanting to talk to Luke for months, it was exciting to finally be getting to know the boy that had been sending him the golden letters. Whenever Michael was lounging around in a hotel room or another green room, he would always send Luke a message to see if he was able to chat. A lot of the time, Luke was. Michael knew that probably meant he didn’t have any friends, since he was rarely ever busy. The only person Luke ever mentioned was his brother Jack, but he sounded like an amazing brother, so Michael was just glad that Luke had someone looking out for him.

Luke wasn’t like a lot of the fans he’d talked to before. Michael loved his fans; he knew he wouldn’t be where he was today without them. But sometimes, it was difficult getting to know them without it being uncomfortable. That was one of the things Michael hated about being ‘famous’: talking to people was hard. Someone always wanted something from him, or wouldn’t stop screaming at him, or asked him things that made him uncomfortable. He was constantly being sexualized or scrutinized, and it made it challenging to be able to talk to someone and actually form a genuine connection.

That wasn’t the case with Luke.

They rarely talked about Michael’s career, unless it was Luke telling him about how his music had helped him, or wishing him good luck at a show. When they _did_ talk about his career, Luke always kept it about the music or a performance. He talked about Michael’s job like a family member or a friend would. Perhaps that was why Michael was already considering them friends. He wondered if Luke did the same.

“Are you busy?”

Michael looked up, a smile still lingering on his face from thinking about Luke. A part of him knew he was already in too deep. Luke shouldn’t be having this effect on him, at least not this soon in a friendship. Especially since Michael didn’t even _know_ if they were friends. They hadn’t even formally met yet.

Ashton was walking into the green room Michael was lounging in, carrying his black makeup bag and a hair brush in his hands. His shoulder length hair was drawn up in a bun and he was wearing all black. Ashton always looked so _sleek_ , meanwhile Michael felt like just another dirty punk kid before Ashton worked his magic on him.

“Does it matter?” Michael asked with a grin.

“Nope,” Ashton said, laughing as he made his way over to stand in front of Michael. “There’s no dressing room in this arena, so we’ve gotta do this here.”

“That’s fine,” Michael said. “Do you want me to anywhere special?” 

“No, just sit up,” Ashton said, using the hair brush in his hand to make a moving gesture. Michael did as he was told, scooting up to the edge of the couch and straightening out his back. He really needed to stop slouching so much.

Ashton wasted no time, immediately bringing the brush to Michael’s head and brushing out any small tangles that had gathered in his blond hair. He still hadn’t dyed it, even though the dye caught his eye every time he opened up his overnight bag. Perhaps he’d ask Ashton about doing it for him. Ashton was always complaining whenever Michael dyed his hair on his own. _I’m a professional,_ he’d say. Michael just liked the control that came with impulsively dying his hair. He wasn’t worried about the small strands of hair that didn’t get coloured, or the damage he was inevitably causing to it. Ashton would go on and on the next day about how he was all patchy and dry, and Michael would roll his eyes and sit patiently while Ashton conditioned his hair and touched up any spots he’d missed. It was kind of their thing, but Michael felt like he owed Ashton a turn at dyeing it properly.

“Where’s Calum?” Michael asked, closing his eyes when he felt Ashton’s skillful fingers running a lightweight gel through his hair.

“Grabbing your outfit for tonight,” Ashton said, twisting a few of the ends to give his hair a wild but still tamed look.

“What am I wearing?” Michael asked. He always loved the different outfits Ashton came up with for him. They were always something Michael would wear in his everyday life, but still presentable enough for the kind of show had and the kind of image he wanted to present.

“I was thinking the half and half pants; you know the ones with the one striped leg? And then that cut off black tank that shows your midriff.”

“You mean my crop top?” Michael asked. Ashton nodded while letting his tongue poke out from between his lips. His brow was furrowed in concentration as he moved the last few strands of hair into place.

“Yeah,” he said finally, a satisfied look on his face once he’d gotten Michael’s hair just right. He grabbed the makeup bag off the couch and pulled out his pale concealer. After taking off the cap, he started to rub the makeup underneath Michael’s eyes.

“You can just say crop top you know,” Michael huffed, closing his eyes so none of the makeup got in them. “Can we do eyeliner tonight then? I always liked wearing it with the crop top. I think it makes me look pretty.”

“You’re always pretty, baby.”

 Michael’s eyes snapped open and flicked over to where Calum was leaning against the door frame, smirking. He had a black garment bag in his arms and a pair of sparkly black Doc Martens hanging from his fingers.

“Are those for me?” Michael asked, eyeing the boots Calum was carrying.

“Yeah, I saw them and thought you might like them?” Ashton said. “Look up.”

Michael forced his eyes away from the shoes and followed Ashton’s directions. He felt a small pencil start outlining the bottom of his eyes. Michael tried to sit as still as possible so the liner wouldn’t smudge.

“They’re perfect,” Michael said. Ashton pulled away and told Michael not to blink for a few seconds. Calum walked over and laid the garment bag out on the cushion beside Michael and sat the boots down near his feet.

“What did I miss?” Calum asked.

“Nothing at all,” Michael answered. Ashton started patting a light powder over Michael’s cheeks, and then tilted his chin to make sure everything looked even.

“I think you’re good enough for now,” Ashton declared, packing up his beauty supplies. “I’ll do a touch up right before you go on stage.” He grabbed Calum’s arm and tilted it so that he could get a look at the watch on Calum’s wrist. “Which will be in about an hour, so make sure you get dressed.”

Ashton grabbed the rest of his things and gave them both a wave before heading out of the room. Michael grabbed the garment bag and unzipped it, getting a look at the outfit he would be wearing tonight. When he looked up, Calum was still staring at the door Ashton had walked out of.

“Dude, are you okay?” Michael asked, waving a hand in front of Calum’s face. Calum blinked, and turned to look at Michael, eyes blank, as though he wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

“What?” Calum asked. Michael rolled his eyes and sighed, giving Calum’s arm a light punch before throwing his body back down onto the couch.

“You’re so in love with him, Cal,” Michael whined. “Why won’t you just ask him out already?”

Calum had been head over heels in love with Ashton since the first time they met. It was at a negotiation meeting for Michael’s contract, and Calum had come with him to support him. Michael had wanted to meet the people he would be working with for the next few years if he signed, and that included his future stylist, Ashton Irwin.

At the time, Ashton’s hair had been a lot shorter than it was now, but just as curly. He was a newcomer to the business as well; fresh out of beauty school and ready to show the world what he could do. His smile was bright and his eyes always sparkled, and he was just as motherly then as he is now.

Ashton had been the first member of Michael’s team to show up to the meeting. Michael and Calum hadn’t even beaten him there. They showed up to the glass-encased conference room to find its only inhabitant to be a small, hazel-eyed boy with a cheery smile and soft dimples.

Calum had nearly passed out right there.

Michael had to shove him into the room and force him into a chair. Calum was so busy staring at Ashton ( _like a creep_ , Michael had thought) that Michael had to lean over and whisper to let Calum know that he was being rude. Ashton hadn’t noticed, though. He was too busy making sure that his notebook and folder of credentials were lined up and that his coffee cup was out of the way, but easy to reach. It was obvious that he was there to make a good impression, and was eager to finally being getting a job in the industry.

Calum had spent the entire meeting sneaking glances at Ashton. Michael had to keep kicking his leg under the table, or stepping on Calum’s foot when the kicking wasn’t enough. It was so hard to focus on the point of the meeting, and Michael had to keep asking everyone to repeat themselves. He was sure by the end of they wouldn’t even want to sign him - but they did.

When Michael signed the contract and began working on his album and all of the promotions that came with it, Calum had been right there with him every single day. The support would have been much appreciated, but Michael knew that the only reason Calum kept showing up with him was to get another glimpse at Ashton. When the two of them actually spoke, Michael was ready to bash their heads together at how sickeningly sweet Calum was with Ashton. You know, after the initial fumbling, stuttering, and accidentally spilled coffee stains. Everything was easy after that. All three of them became good friends, and Michael got to watch Calum fall in love right before his eyes.

Michael had known Calum all of his life, but he’d never seen him fall this hard for anyone before. It was obvious that Ashton was special. Something about him had made Calum feel more deeply than anyone else had ever managed to before, and that was saying something. When Calum loved, he loved hard; but no one ever compared to the way Ashton made him feel.

“I can’t just ask him out, Michael,” Calum sighed, moving the garment bag out of the way so he could sit down beside Michael.

“And why not?” Michael asked. “He looks at you the same way you look at him. You act like you’re already married. Just go up to him one day and you know, plant one on him.”

Calum groaned and hid his face in his hands. Michael took a deep breath, and then let it out as dramatically as he could. He used his arm that was closest to Calum to rub comforting circles on his friend’s back.

“What if I ask him out and he says no?” Calum asked, sounding meeker than Michael had ever heard him.

“Then he says no,” Michael said. “At least then you’d know. I hate seeing you pine like this. Usually you’d have tried to make a move by now.”

“Ashton’s different,” Calum said, lifting his face from his hands. “If he said no my heart would probably shatter, and then everything would just be awkward.”

It was half true. Calum and Ashton saw each other every day. It would be weird if Calum were to just stop showing up if Ashton were to reject him. Michael didn’t want things to become uncomfortable between them, but he didn’t want his friends to keep doing this dance when he _knew_ that Ashton felt at least a little bit the same.

“He’d be mature about it,” Michael pointed out. “You know that. And besides, I really don’t think he’d turn you down. I mean, how could he? You’re strong, and nice, and _sexy_.”

Calum let out a laugh. He reached over to shove Michael away from him before pulling him back and resting his head on Michael’s shoulder. Michael could feel him sigh, so he brought his hand up to scratch at Calum’s head of curls.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for everything to change,” Calum said softly, “because either way, they will.”

“Change isn’t always a bad thing, Cal,” Michael said. “It can be scary, and it can be hard. But it isn’t always bad.”

“Says Mr. Rock Star,” Calum chuckled. “Everything worked out for you.” Michael scoffed, tugging gently on Calum’s hair.

“That doesn’t mean I didn’t have to work my ass off to get here. That doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle and have doubts. I still wonder if I made the right decisions. I still lay awake at night and miss my family, and home. None of this was easy, Calum,” Michael said.

All of it was hard. Deciding to drop out of school to chase a pipe dream. Leaving his family and Calum – even though that part worked out for him eventually. It was one of the toughest things Michael ever had to do. Everyone told him that he wouldn’t make it. People he hadn’t even met were rooting against him. He was constantly praying that things would work out so that he could prove everyone wrong, and with time, he did. But it wasn’t an easy journey, and it was still hard road, even now that he had an album out and was touring the world. Things had gotten better, but they weren’t always easier.

“I know,” Calum said. “You worked so fucking hard for this, I know, Mikey. But you got your dream. You did it. You made it.”

“Are you saying Ashton’s your dream?” Michael said, raising his eyebrows and looking down at his friend just in time to catch Calum’s blush.

“I don’t know,” Calum muttered, “maybe?”

“You’re a big ol’ sap!” Michael exclaimed, sitting up abruptly and knocking Calum off his shoulder. Calum groaned again and tried to hide his face, but Michael grabbed his hands, stopping him.

“Michael,” Calum started.

“You need to tell him!” Michael shouted. “You need to tell him and take a chance and be brave, like I know you are. You deserve to be happy, Cal. Go for it.”

“Keep your voice down!” Calum hushed. “I’ll think about it, okay? Now get dressed, or Ashton’s gonna be pissed.”

“Maybe if he spanks me and not you, you’ll get your act together,” Michael said, waggling his eyebrows. Calum only huffed, grabbing the garment bag and shoving it in Michael’s face.

“Take your clothes off, you slut,” Calum joked. Michael let out a laugh and stood up, shaking his hips in Calum’s face.

“Maybe you’ll both spank me,” Michael giggled. “How lucky am I?”

Michael quickly got changed and pulled on the new boots Ashton got him. They were a bit uncomfortable since they were still new, but he liked the way they made his legs look, plus, Michael liked anything that sparkled. Ashton always knew exactly what Michael liked. He was so lucky to have a stylist like Ashton.

Once he was dressed, he headed down the hallway of the arena with Calum by his side until he found someone from his team to guide him backstage. He would be going onstage soon, so he needed to be waiting behind the set and ready to go. Ashton was already there; ready to give Michael’s hair and makeup his final approval. Someone began hooking up his sound pack and putting in his ear piece. He could hear the crowd cheering as they waited for Michael to come on stage.

The sound system of the arena was playing a song that was all about making it through hard times. Suddenly, Michael’s head was flooded with thoughts and memories of his own journey throughout the past few years. He thought about the look on his parents face when he told them he wanted to drop out of school and fly to London to start a career in music. He thought about hugging his parents at the airport, and what it was like flying on his own for the first time. He thought about his first month in London, living on his own and struggling to make ends meet before Calum showed up on his doorstep.

Then he thought about Calum, and how scared he was to go after someone he loved. How Calum had sacrificed just as much as Michael had by moving to London, just so Michael wouldn’t have to do it all on his own. He left his family, just as Michael had, to be there, and support him, and so that they didn’t have to be apart.

Finally, he thought about Luke, and how he didn’t have a friend like Calum in his life to be there for him when his brother couldn’t be around. He thought about how much Luke had been through, and all of the things he’d written about in his letters, about being bullied and feeling alone. He thought about how in just a few weeks, he would be able to finally meet the boy he’d already grown so fond of.

Luke had always been in the back of Michael’s mind, even before they started talking. Michael eagerly awaited each letter, rooting for Luke silently behind the scenes. Now that they were talking and Michael knew more about who Luke was as a person, he was constantly thinking about him. He knew Luke’s favourite colour was blue, and that his favourite food was sushi. He knew that Luke liked to be cuddled when he was sad, thanks to one of their late night conversations when neither of them could sleep. The time zone difference was getting less and less extreme as Michael’s tour locations got closer to Sydney. It wouldn’t be long before Michael would be _meeting_ Luke, and he was both excited and nervous about finally meeting him.

“Okay Michael, you’re on in 30 seconds!”

Michael grabbed his phone out of his pocket and opened up the Twitter app. He tapped his foot impatiently, waiting for his timeline to load before he had to grab his guitar and run onstage. There was something he wanted to do first. He opened up his messages and hit the most recent one: Luke Hemmings.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _this one’s for you_

He hit send and pocketed his phone as quickly as he could. A stage hand was waiting to usher him on stage, while another was holding his guitar out for him to grab. After a nod from one of the stage hands, Michael took a deep breath, took his guitar, and ran out onto the stage.

The lights seemed to get brighter every time he did this. The crowd screamed when they saw him, and he took a moment to take in how many people had come out to see him. It never failed to amaze him how many lives he’d managed to touch, and the fact that anyone would pay money to see him was still unbelievable.

“How’s everyone doing tonight?” Michael shouted. The crowd cheered in response, and Michael couldn’t help but grin. “Before I start, I wanna say something to all of you guys, and to everyone that’s gonna watch this on the internet later. I know a lot of you guys have been struggling with things; whatever it is, whether it’s school, or work, or just life in general. Maybe it’s friends, or bullies, or family troubles. Maybe the battle is internal, and you’re trying to fight it out with your own mind. I just want you guys to know, I’ve been there. I’ve felt shitty, and I’ve felt down. I’ve felt hopeless and insecure and like nothing was ever gonna work out. But guys, I’m here right now. I’m here with all of you, and I’ve never been happier. And I know that one day, you guys are gonna feel the same way. Things are gonna get better. Things are gonna turn around and you’re gonna get through whatever it is that’s keeping you down. You’ve just gotta hold on long enough to see things change. You gotta stick around and find something you love and never let it go. Cause I promise you guys, one day none of this shit is gonna matter, and you deserve every good thing in the world.

“I wouldn’t be anything without you guys. You’ve made all of my dreams come true, and I wish there was a way I could give something back to you. You don’t know how much each and every one of you mean to me, and if there was a way I could make sure you never had to be sad again, I would do it.

“I wrote this song for you guys, and I hope that right here, right now, you feel safe. I hope that for a little while, you can forget about all of the reasons why you’re supposed to be sad, and just lose yourself in the music with me. We’re all in this together. You can get through this. So, with that, let the good times roll!”

Michael strummed his guitar, playing the first chords to his song Outer Space. The crowd was deafening, and he found himself shaking his head, baffled at how lucky was to be able to do this every single night. It was just as exhilarating as the first time he’d gotten to perform for a crowd of this size. Michael wasn’t sure this experience would ever get old.

He closed out his show with Carry On, feeling his heart swell at how many people were singing the lyrics back to him. The entire arena was lit up by cell phone lights and glow sticks. Michael wanted to stop and take a picture, but his phone was backstage. He made a mental note to find a picture online later to post. Something about tonight felt special, and he wanted to remember it.

When he finished, he said goodnight and ran off the stage, throwing a few of his guitar picks into the crowd on his way out. Calum was waiting for him, as always. He passed Michael a towel and a bottle of cold water, patting his back gently as Michael downed the whole thing. His heart was still racing from his performance.  Ashton was beside Calum, as always, and he had Michael’s phone in his hand.

“Someone’s messaging you,” Ashton said, handing Michael his phone. Michael thanked him and took his phone, walking a few steps away from where his friends were standing.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you’re such a sap_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _no seriously, why are you so sappy????_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m kidding, it was really nice what you said. I know it meant a lot to everyone watching. and to me._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you were amazing tonight_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you’re still a sap though :-P_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _a really talented sap_

Michael laughed, tapping out a reply and hitting send.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _shut uppppp_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I can’t wait til you get to be here for a show. I’m really looking forward to meeting you_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _neither can I_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _hey Mikey, can I ask you something?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _yeah of course_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _are we like, friends?_

Michael paused. Of course to him, they were friends. They’d been talking steady for the past week, and Michael couldn’t deny that he had already been so attached to Luke before they ever started formally talking. There was something about Luke that was addictive, and fun. Michael had never enjoyed talking to someone he’d never met before as much as he enjoyed talking to Luke. Something about Luke was special. Something about him made Michael feel like he was normal, and important, just by being himself.

It had been a long time since Michael had gotten on so well with someone that didn’t work for him. The last friend he would remember making was Ashton, aside from the few celebrities he’d met over the past year. Luke was someone he’d found all on his own; someone that was just for him.

He already considered them friends. To be honest, he’d been considering them friends since the moment he’d sent Luke that letter, asked for his Twitter, and sent him a reason for them to meet. Luke was already important, already a piece of him that he didn’t want to picture himself without.

“Come on, Michael,” Calum called, beckoning Michael over to where he was standing with Ashton. “They want you out of here before it gets too crazy outside.”

“I’ll be right there,” Michael said. His thumbs hovered for a moment over his screen before he typed out a response and hit send.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _yeah, Luke, we are :)_


	4. one step heavy and two steps high

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars.” - David Bottoms
> 
> Bit of a warning for this chapter for body image issues. Nothing major at all, just general insecurities. It _might_ allude to an eating disorder, but it isn't one, and I don't plan on pursuing it as one. If you're unsure about it, please send me a message on [tumblr](http://pilotmikey.tumblr.com/ask) so I can let you know what to expect. It isn't mentioned until Michael's half, if you want to read up until then. Again, it isn't bad, but just be careful if you're easily triggered!

**_ June 2nd, 2014 _ **

Luke wasn’t sure how it had happened, but somehow two weeks had passed. Time seemed to move faster lately, and he couldn’t help but think that it was due to all of the hours he spent talking with Michael. It seemed like only yesterday Luke had been speaking with him through pen and paper, never imagining Michael would ever read one of his letters, let alone send him one back. It was strange to think that now they were friends.

When Luke had sent Michael the question asking if they were friends, he’d regretted it immediately. He didn’t want to seem odd, or have to suffer the embarrassment of Michael letting him down gently. He kept waiting for a ‘ _sorry, no_ ’, but it never came.

In the moments he’d spent waiting for Michael to respond, his mind had sent him spiralling into a deep pit of anxiety. Every thought in his head became clouded with doubt, and as much as he tried to fight it, he couldn’t help but reprimand himself for even thinking that they could ever be friends. It didn’t matter that Michael had never done anything to imply that Luke was a nuisance to him. Everything about their conversations pointed to what Luke was sure friendship was; but that didn’t stop his mind from telling him otherwise.

When Michael’s message finally came through, Luke sighed in relief. He felt his entire body relax, thankful that his heart hadn’t tricked him into seeing something that wasn’t there. Michael felt the same. Michael considered Luke his friend.

The weeks that followed consisted of endless banter that had Luke smiling and laughing at his phone, knowing that if anyone were to see him, they would think he was insane. He couldn’t help it, though. The last time he’d felt this happy was so long ago that he wasn’t even sure if he could even remember it. It must’ve have been before the accident, and that was months ago.

Luke was still getting to know Michael, and Michael was still getting to know him, but the longer they knew each other, the more the understood one another. Luke knew that Michael didn’t always like the stereotypes that came with fame, so Luke tried not to discuss his job much. It didn’t bother him, though; he enjoyed getting to know the real Michael. In fact, Luke was beginning to think that the real Michael was even better than the _Michael Clifford_ everyone else knew. Michael was just as thoughtful and caring as Luke had always thought he was, but not nearly as eccentric as his stage presence would lead people to believe. In reality, Michael was an evident homebody, and Luke could already tell that the pressures of being famous and the necessity of traveling all of the time weighed heavily on Michael’s shoulders. He was so much stronger than Luke had originally thought, and that was saying something.

Michael was just as considerate when it came to the things that wore Luke down. He wouldn’t bring up school other than to ask how Luke was faring, and he knew not to mention Luke’s family other than Jack. Luke had told Michael a lot of things in his letters, but what happened to his family was not one of them. He wasn’t ready for that yet, and Michael respected that.

Michael talked about his insomnia a lot. There were nights he didn’t sleep at all, restlessness keeping him up until slumber was no longer an option. It broke Luke’s heart knowing that somewhere in the world, Michael was struggling just to get the rest he deserved. Even worse, Michael couldn’t just call in sick. He had to rub his eyes, drink some coffee, and go out and face the world.

The only thing that gave Luke some peace of mind was that Michael said his insomnia had gotten better since they’d started talking. While some nights he was still kept up despite his exhaustion, he was beginning to find a few extra hours of sleep than he had before Luke came into the picture.

Most of the time, the conversation was light. They told funny stories about their day, and Michael loved to talk about his friend Calum. He told Luke stories from his childhood, including the time he got caught skinny dipping at the beach and Calum had pretended to steal all of his clothes. Sometimes Luke would share a story of his own, but most of his memories involved his family, and that was still too hard to talk about.

Despite the barriers Luke had, he found himself opening up to Michael about a lot of things. He felt comfortable with him, and even though he was often embarrassed by the way his classmates treated him, Luke knew that Michael didn’t judge him, not even a little bit. When he would come home from a particularly rough day at school and Jack was still at work, he knew he could talk about it with Michael, and when he decided he didn’t want to think about it anymore, Michael would whip out one of his classic tales of adventures with Calum. The transition was never awkward, and Michael never pried. He respected Luke’s boundaries, and Luke found himself growing more and more appreciative of Michael as the days passed.

Jack warmed up to their friendship when he saw how happy Luke was becoming. Luke knew he was still wary, but he didn’t make any snide remarks or ask to see their messages. He trusted that Luke would be careful, and Luke made sure to be extra helpful around the house to show his gratitude for Jack accepting his friendship with Michael.

Even though Luke knew Michael better than he ever had, when the day of the concert came, he was still incredibly nervous. He wouldn’t be just talking to Michael - he would be _meeting_ him. Luke’s hands began to shake just thinking about it, and he nearly threw up twice before it was even time to get ready. It seemed that his anxiety wasn’t going to let him rest, and he just had to take a deep breath and deal with it.

Three hours before it was time to leave for the concert, Luke found himself standing in the middle of his bedroom with a pile of clothes surrounding him. Everything had been ripped off its hanger and flung onto the floor. Luke wasn’t usually all that concerned with what he wore, but this was different. He wanted to look good without seeming like he was trying too hard, but he didn’t want to look like he didn’t care at all; because he did care - a lot.

“What the _hell_ happened in here?” Jack asked, appearing in the doorframe of Luke’s room. Luke huffed and fell dramatically into the pile of clothes at his feet, crossing his legs on his way down and landing with his head in his hands.

“I don’t know what to wear,” Luke mumbled. He ran his hands through his hair, still damp from the shower he’d taken. Perhaps he was taking this a little too seriously, but he couldn’t help it. He was meeting _Michael,_ for god’s sake. This was important.

“Just wear what you always wear,” Jack said, bending down to grab a pair of black skinny jeans, “your punk clothes.”

“I can’t just wear any old thing, Jack,” Luke whined, falling onto his back and letting his arms fan out beside him. “I care what he thinks, you know.”

“Oh trust me,” Jack said, raising his eyebrows and widening his eyes, “I know.”

Luke sighed loudly, banging his head against the floor once before sitting up to look at Jack.

“Help me,” he said, giving his brother a pout.

“Such a baby,” Jack replied, holding out his hands so Luke could grab on to them. When he did, Jack pulled him up and guided him over to the bed. “Sit.”

Luke sat down and watched as his brother began sorting through his clothes. Jack tossed half of his clothes into one pile, shaking his head as he threw each article aside. Once he’d gone through all of the clothes, he gave what Luke assumed was the ‘no’ pile a kick, pushing it out of the way.

“Okay,” Jack said. He looked down at the remaining clothes and then back up at Luke. “Pick from these.”

Luke stood up from the bed and walked over to the pile of clothes. He crouched down, picking through the pile and occasionally tossing something over into the pile Jack had already vetoed.  After picking through the clothing until there was almost nothing left in the pile, Luke had narrowed it down to a few shirts, and a pair of black skinny jeans.

“Which one do you like better?” Luke asked, holding up two shirts. Both were black; one with the words ‘everybody sucks’ printed in gold lettering that appeared to drip down the front, and one with the Nirvana smiley face on it.

“That one,” Jack said, pointing to the ‘everybody sucks’ shirt. “Gold for the golden boy. It fits.”

Luke rolled his eyes and tossed the Nirvana shirt across the room. He quickly pulled the shirt he was wearing over his head and shrugged the new one on. Then he pulled on the black skinnies and looked at himself in the mirror.

“Don’t you think this shirt makes me seem a tad...I don’t know, antisocial?” Luke asked, tugging on the hem at the bottom of the shirt.

“Well I mean, you kind of are,” Jack said. “At least before Michael came into the picture.”

“It’s not called antisocial when no one wants to talk to you,” Luke pointed out. “I’d love to talk to people if they didn’t hate me so much.”

“Yeah well, fuck them,” Jack said, walking over to stand behind Luke. They made eye contact in the mirror, and Luke smiled at his big brother. Jack dropped his hands onto Luke’s shoulders and smiled back. “You were always too good for them anyways.”

“I don’t know about that,” Luke laughed, turning around to face Jack. “Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” Jack said, tilting his head in confusion. Luke went over to his desk and picked up his hairbrush and a bottle of hairspray. He turned back to Jack, holding the items up in the air.

“Help me do my hair?”

Jack laughed and ushered Luke over. Luke pulled his computer chair over with him, stopping in front of the mirror and sitting down. He tucked his legs up underneath him and watched as Jack began carefully styling Luke’s hair up into his trademark quiff.

“Are you excited?” Jack asked, flipping the brush to pull Luke’s hair up and spraying it in place.

“Terrified is more like it,” Luke said, laughing nervously. He watched his hair flop back down from the lack of spray. “Try the gel,” he said, pointing to his desk.

“You’re gonna be fine,” Jack assured him, grabbing the hair gel from the desk and popping the lid off. “You guys are like, BFF’s now.”

“No one says ‘BFF’s’, Jack,” Luke giggled. “You’re so old.”

Jacks ran his hands through Luke’s hair, working it into a quiff. The gel seemed to work, and soon Luke’s hair was standing proudly on his head. Jack used some hairspray to hold it in place, and after fixing a few stray hairs, Luke was satisfied that it was perfect.

“Would it be weird if I, like, put on some eyeliner?” Luke asked, looking it himself in the mirror. He liked his outfit, but it still felt like something was missing.

“Why would that be weird?” Jack asked, moving over to sit on the bed. “Put on some lipstick, contour your cheeks, live a little. Hell, wear a dress if it makes you feel good. You’ve got the legs for it.”

“Yeah, no thanks,” Luke said, rummaging around in his desk to find what he was looking for. “I just think I need a little...something.”

After a bit of digging, Luke found what he was looking for: a sparkly gold eyeliner. It was his mother’s; she’d bought it for special occasions. Luke had taken it ages ago, a few weeks before he came out. He’d seen Michael wearing eyeliner in one of his videos and was curious to see if he’d like it too. It wasn’t something Luke would wear every day, but just like his mom, he thought it was nice for special occasions.

This felt like a special occasion.

Luke turned to the mirror and leaned in close, pulling the cap off of the liner and bringing it to his face. He let one of his eyes fall shut and carefully outlined the space above his eyelashes. No fancy edges, or intricate designs. Just a small wing, barely leaving the corner of his eye.

He lined his other eye, delicately pressing the pencil against his skin. When both eyes were done, he turned his head slightly to make sure both lines were even. Seeing that they were, Luke turned to Jack, fluttering his eyelashes excessively.

“Okay?” Luke asked, biting his lip near where the black ring was.

“Gold for the golden boy,” Jack said with a smile, repeating his line from earlier. “It fits.”

Luke smiled, taking a deep breath and glancing at himself once more in the mirror.

“It’s not too much?” Luke asked. The truth was, he loved it. He felt like his outfit was perfect for the concert, and his eyeliner was just the thing to tie everything together. However, that didn’t stop his nerves from causing him to second guess himself.

“Luke,” Jack said, grabbing Luke’s shoulders and pulling him away from the mirror. “You look perfect. Your outfit is perfect, the eyeliner is perfect. It’s all perfect, okay? He’s gonna love you. He isn’t gonna care about what you wear; he cares about you.”

“You think so?” Luke asked. Jack laughed, giving Luke’s shoulder a light shove.

“I know so. Stop stressing,” Jack told him. “I’m gonna go make something to eat before we have to leave. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

Jack gave Luke’s arm a final pat before heading out of the room. Luke sighed, looking around at the mess in his room. He knew he should probably clean it up, but after reluctantly pushing his clothes around the room, he decided he would tidy everything later.

Luke pulled his computer chair back over to his desk and sat down, opening up his laptop and hitting the power button. He watched the icon spin around for a few moments before the screen came to life. Just as he was about to open up his browser, he heard a buzzing noise coming from his bed.

He turned his head, spotting his phone peeking out from underneath one of his pillows. Hopping out of his chair, Luke grabbed the phone off his bed and slid the screen open.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I’m looking forward to seeing you tonight :)_

Luke felt his heart rate pick up at the reminder that in a few hours, he would be seeing Michael perform live, meeting his idol, and more recently, his friend.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _me too!_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m gonna be honest though, I’m so nervous_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _why?????_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’ve kind of been dreaming about this for years. I mean, it’s different cause I know you better now, but still. my 15 year old soul is like, freaking out._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _sorry, I know that’s so typical. I’m trying to be chill_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _hey, you’re allowed to be nervous/excited/whatever else you feel :)_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _if it makes you feel better, I’m crazy nervous about meeting you. promise you’ll still like me after?_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _why are you nervous about meeting me????_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _is it cause you haven’t seen me yet? I might be ugly._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _oh, and I promise I’ll still like you after, if you promise to still like me if I’m ugly_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I hope you’re super ugly, it’ll make me feel better about myself_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _dhfbsd as if you of all people need to feel better about your looks. you’re like, a god_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _oh shut up! that’s not true and you know it_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. you’re like, beautiful_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _you tryna get in my pants, Hemmings? ;P_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _oh, you’re just catching on? ;-P_

The banter was calming Luke’s nerves, and it was reassuring to know that Michael was feeling just as anxious as he was. It was even more reassuring to know that just a few minutes of conversation with Michael were enough to relax his mind and ease any doubts he had about meeting the person who’d gotten him through so much.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _should have just asked for my nudes, baby ;P_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m a gentleman :-o_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I guess we’ll see tonight, won’t we? :)_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _yeah, we will :-)_

_***_

**_ June 2nd, 2014 _ **

“I’m freaking out, Cal!”

“Relax, Mikey, you’re fine!”

“I’ve told you a million times, Michael! This is why you don’t dye your hair on your own! You’re supposed to ask me!”

There were two hours to show time, and Michael was a mess. There was no way he was going onstage like this. He looked horrendous.

He’d _idiotically_ decided to dye his hair for the Sydney show in the hopes that it would impress Luke. Now, looking at himself in the mirror, he wished he’d have gotten Ashton to dye like he’d originally planned. He couldn’t help it that he was so impulsive.

It wasn’t as bad as he was making it out to be, and he knew that. His hair was fine, really. The colour took nicely and there were no patches of blond left. It wasn’t the hair that was the problem. It was the dye staining his ears, neck, and forehead that was the issue. He’d been scrubbing at it for the past hour, but clearly this wasn’t something soap and water could handle.

“I’ve told you time and time again,” Ashton shouted, “you’re supposed to let me handle it! You pay me for this, for crying out loud! How many times do I have to tell you? Now I get to try and fix this!”

“I’m sorry!” Michael cried. “I just _like_ doing it myself! I wanted to change something up, so I looked good for-”

“His _golden boy_ ,” Calum sung. Michael groaned, pulling his hands down his face until the skin stretched out.

“Shut up,” Michael said. “He’s not gonna be my _anything_ if he sees me looking like this.”

He turned to look in mirror. The three of them were standing in the middle of the arena’s dressing room. Ashton had walked in to get Michael ready for the show, only to find him standing there with black dye all over his face and Calum blotting him with a damp, soapy cloth. To put it simply, all of them were freaking out.

Usually when Michael decided to colour his hair, he did it on a day he didn’t have a show. At the least, he’d do it early in the morning, or late at night when his insomnia was keeping him awake and he needed something to do. He’d never done something as risky as dying his hair only _hours_ before he was due to go onstage.

“I can’t believe you let him do this!” Ashton shouted, turning to glare at Calum.

“Hey, don’t blame me!” Calum said. “He was already like this when I got here. I was just trying to help him wipe the grease off of his face!”

“Guys!” Michael shouted. “We don’t have time for this! I go onstage in less than two hours, and I’m not going on looking like this!”

“Why don’t you just wear a hat or something?” Calum asked, glancing at Michael, and then Ashton.

“I can’t just ‘wear a hat or something’ Calum,” Michael said. “It’s hot as balls out there. I would go onstage naked if I could.”

“Look, I think I can fix it,” Ashton said, holding up his hands at the two boys. “I picked up a solvent that last time that should be able to help. I just need to get it; it’s back at the hotel.”

“That’s almost a half hour away, Ash!” Michael cried. “Even if you speed, it would take an hour for you to get there, grab the stuff, and get back.”

“No, I know a short cut,” Calum said. “I know Sydney like the back of my hand.” He tugged on Ashton’s sleeve and started heading towards the door. “Come on, I’ll drive.”

“What about me?” Michael asked, heart starting to beat in a panic. “Am I supposed to just wait here?”

“Yes,” Ashton hissed, “and don’t you dare touch that hair before I get back.”

The two of them left, leaving Michael standing alone in the dressing room. Normally he’d run his fingers through his hair, and tug at the strands in frustration. Only this time, he knew that if he touched it, his entire problem would spread. Literally.

This wasn’t supposed to be happening. Today was supposed to go smoothly. He was supposed to get ready, go onstage, put on a kickass show, and then go backstage and meet Luke. This was supposed to be a good day. This was supposed to be one of the best days of his live.

Michael had been looking forward to meeting Luke since he’d sent the tickets back in April. The excitement had only flourished once the two of them had discovered how much they had in common and developed a friendship. Luke was important to Michael, and meeting him felt like it would dictate the direction in which their friendship would go. He wanted this... _thing_ he had with Luke to last. But due to Michael’s impulsiveness and excessive stupidity, he’d managed to ruin everything.

Accepting that there was nothing he could do until Ashton and Calum got back, Michael sat down on the long, plush couch sitting in the corner of the dressing room. He was careful not to let the back of his head hit the cushion; he didn’t need an extra charge from the arena for staining an old couch. Been there, done that.

He pulled out his phone and reopened the conversation he’d had with Luke while he was letting his hair set. It seemed ironic now, joking about his appearance and undermining his looks while unbeknownst to him, jet black dye was staining his skin. He knew it was stupid of him to dye his hair so close to a show, but while he was waiting to get ready, he couldn’t help but realize that meeting Luke might be a milestone in his life.

Luke had already impacted him, threatened to flip Michael’s world upside down. He was eating better, sleeping better, and smiling more. It was as though just by knowing Luke, Michael was a better person because of it. He found himself interacting more with fans, reaching out and trying to get to know them in the short amount of time he had to see each person. The songs he wrote were happier. The exhaustion didn’t hit him as hard as before. Everything around him seemed to be outlined in gold, and his surroundings were brighter than ever before.

Michael hadn’t realized how important this day would be, despite knowing that it was, in fact, important. He knew that Luke already liked him, but they’d never met in person. He was scared that he might come off too abrasive or strange. Sometimes when meeting new people, Michael got nervous, especially when it came to people he _wanted_ to make a lasting impression on. Those nerves led him to make rash decisions, and was the sole reason he was now sitting in the dressing room, black hair dye smeared across his face, waiting for his friends to get back and clean up the mess he’d made.

The recent messages he’d exchanged with Luke made him smile. Things with Luke were so simple. Michael knew that if anyone could make him smile right now, it would be Luke.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _tell me a joke_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m not funny_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _yes you are! and I really need a laugh right now :(_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _ok ok uhm......_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _knock knock_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _who’s there_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _spell_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _spell who_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _w-h-o :-)_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _......you were right you aren’t funny_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _wow okay excuse me for tryna cheer you up_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _i’m sorry i’m sorry_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _thank you_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _what’s wrong Mikey? :-(_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I did something stupid and now I’m paying for it_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _did those tight jeans finally cut off all circulation?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _haha very funny_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _no_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _then what is it? you can talk to me you know. I’m here._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _it’s stupid. I was tryna dye my hair, okay? I just wanted to do something different today, but now I have hair dye all over my face and it isn’t coming off and the show is so soon._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _yeah, I know. I’m getting ready to leave right now._

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m sure it’s fine, though. could you cover it up with makeup?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _maybe, but it’s pretty dark dye. I’m gonna look awful :’((((_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you could never look awful Mikey, trust me._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _idk Luke :/_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _if it’s really that bad, which I doubt it is, I’ll get up on stage myself and distract everyone by making whale noises or something_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _those noises might be misconstrued as something else ;)_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _your mind needs to be soaked in bleach_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _so does my face so I can get this dye off ://_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _it’s gonna be fine okay? you’re gonna look great, the show will be great, and you get to meet me so what else could you want?_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I just don’t want to look like a human rag the first time you meet me :(_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I don’t care what you look like, Mikey. I care about you._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _:)_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _:-)_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _thanks Lukey, you always make me feel better :)_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m always here for you, even if you’re entire face is dyed pink something :-P_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _it isn’t pink, but that’s good to know :P_

Michael’s phone vibrated and a new text message popped up.

**_CalPal:_ ** _we’re on our way back now. soon you’ll be dye free!_

He typed out a response and hit send, thanking Calum for keeping him updated. He stood up from the couch and went across the room to where the mirror was. His reflection stared back at him, green eyes judging his own appearance. Sometimes his face wasn’t familiar. He knew it was him, obviously, but he looked more like a neighbour he didn’t see very often than himself.

The dye situation wasn’t so bad. Maybe if he used a bit of makeup like Luke suggested and styled his hair so it hung in his face more, the mess on his forehead could be hidden. That didn’t solve the problem of the dye on his neck, but maybe if he asked the stage hands to dim the lights more, people would assume it was just a shadow.

He felt better knowing that Luke wouldn’t judge him if he had to go onstage looking like this. Normally he wouldn’t believe someone saying that they didn’t care about what he looked like, but Luke was different. Michael trusted him, and he trusted that Luke wouldn’t make fun of him for a bit of hair dye on his skin. He still worried about what everyone else might think, though.

Michael had been concerned about his appearance for as long as he could remember. He tried to hide how insecure he got, but he knew that sometimes people close to him noticed. Calum definitely did. He knew that Michael didn’t always feel comfortable eating in front of people, unless he was close to them. When Michael was younger, he used to decline food that Calum’s mom offered him. He’d always say that he’d eaten already, even though Calum knew that he hadn’t. To make him feel more comfortable, Calum used to eat like a complete animal to show Michael that it was okay. It really helped Michael relax around him, and that was one of the first things Calum had done to show Michael just how much he cared about him.

Things weren’t as bad as they used to be. He didn’t mind taking his shirt off now, or taking selfies with fans. He accepted the fact that he wasn’t always going to like how he looked. It was okay, because he knew that everyone felt like that sometimes. Whenever he wasn’t feeling entirely pleased with the way he looked, he’d dye his hair or get a tattoo. Changing something about himself always boosted his confidence.

That had been the goal today. He just wanted to change something so that the anxiety he had about meeting Luke would fade away. He hadn’t expected to end up even more nervous than before.

He had to stop worrying. Calum and Ashton would be back soon, and hopefully whatever solvent that Ashton had would be strong enough to clear up the dye. Even just fading it out so that it would be easier to cover with makeup would be enough to ease his nerves.

Michael closed his eyes and began breathing deeply though his nose, exhaling through his mouth. Everything was going to be fine. Everything was going to be _fine._

“Got it,” Calum said, bursting into the room and interrupting Michael’s attempts to relax. Ashton was right behind him holding a small metal container. He rushed over to Michael and pushed him down into the chair in front of the mirror.

“Sit,” he commanded, already forcing Michael into the seat. “We don’t have much time.”

“I know,” Michael said, letting Ashton manhandle him into position.

“Hopefully this works,” Ashton said, twisting the lid off of the container and rubbing what looked to be white grease onto his fingers. “I don’t know if I should be using a cloth or just my hands. I hope this is fine.”

Michael closed his eyes and waited for Ashton’s hands to start rubbing the solvent on him. “This isn’t going to hurt, right?” Michael asked.

“Doubt it,” Ashton said, fingers brushing over Michael’s forehead and beginning to smooth the cream on top of the stained skin. “If it does, consider it punishment for not asking for help in the first place.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” Michael said, wincing slightly as Ashton’s fingers pressed hard against his head. “I know I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” Ashton said. His voice was much softer than the rushed anger that he’d been expressing. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just as stressed as you are. I’m sorry too.”

Michael opened his eyes to see Ashton offering him an apologetic smile. “I’ll come to you next time, I promise,” Michael said. Ashton laughed softly.

“I’m so sure,” he said, getting more of the grease from the container. This time he set out to clear the dye from Michael’s neck.

“Is it working?” Michael asked, looking over to Calum who was hovering beside him.

“Sort of,” Calum said, leaning over Michael to watch Ashton work. “It’s definitely not as dark as before.”

“That’s good,” Michael said, letting out a sigh of relief. “Luke said maybe we could cover it with makeup?”

“Luke had the same idea as me,” Ashton said, massaging Michael’s neck. “Tell him to come be my apprentice.”

“I bet Michael would love that,” Calum snickered. “Luke can wash his hair, help him get dressed...”

“Shut up!” Michael said, barking out a laugh and reaching over to hit his friend. Calum jumped out of the way, dodging Michael’s fist with a giggle.

“Would you kids stop?” Ashton scolded. “I’m trying to work here. I can’t do that if you keep moving around.”

“Sorry,” Calum and Michael said in unison, eyeing each other up jokingly.

“I think I’ll be able to cover this up,” Ashton said. “Calum, would you mind passing me a cloth and a bottle of water?” He pointed to his bag of styling equipment that was sitting on the floor.

Calum nodded, bending down to dig through the bag. The bottle of water was sitting on top, but he had to search for a cloth. When he found one, he stood up and handed the items to Ashton with a soft smile. Ashton returned the smile, peeking up at Calum underneath his eyelashes. Michael groaned, knowing that Calum was a sucker for his height difference with Ashton. He didn’t know how many times Calum had gushed about how cute Ashton was when he had to look up at him.

“Let’s just make sure I look fine for tonight,” Michael said. Ashton poured some water onto the cloth and wiped the grease from Michael’s skin. “I want to impress Luke, not show up looking like a kid that got a hold of the permanent markers.”

“You’ll probably look like that anyway,” Calum said, smirking at Michael.

“Hush,” Ashton said, flicking some water at Calum with a grin. “You’re going to look fine, Michael.”

“I hope so,” Michael said, chewing nervously on his bottom lip until the skin turned red.

“He’s going to love you, okay?” Calum said. “All jokes aside. You guys have really connected these past few weeks. I’ve never seen you this happy, and from what you’ve told me, Luke seems to be doing better too. You guys are good for each other. This is just making everything official.”

“I know,” Michael said. “I’m still nervous. I don’t want to do anything to give him a reason to quit talking to me.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Ashton assured him. “You’re very hard not to like.”

“Ash, I’m touched,” Michael said, fanning himself as he pretended to tear up. He faked a few sniffled for good measure.

“Insufferable bastard,” Ashton huffed, wiping away the last bit of grease. “Okay, I think I’m ready to cover this up.”

Michael turned to look at himself in the mirror. Miraculously, most of the dye was gone. All that was left was a faint grey where the dark black had been, and Michael knew that with a bit of cover up, the stain could be managed. Ashton worked miracles with the bags under his eyes. This was nothing.

It didn’t take long for Ashton to finish his makeup. He worked quickly and efficiently, hiding any trace that the dye had ever touched his skin. He smoothed out Michael’s face with concealer, and then added a small touch of eyeliner around his eyes. After he used a bit of hairspray to style Michael’s hair, all that was left to do was get changed into his stage outfit.

“I was thinking you could wear your glittery pants and your black crop top,” Ashton said. He sent Calum to another room to wheel in the makeshift closet he always had set up. Calum was back shortly, pushing in the metal contraption that had a few shirts and jeans hanging from the rod.

“I don’t know about the crop top,” Michael said, hopping up to get a better look at the options he had. “Those pants give me a muffin top. Maybe just a normal black tank top?”

“Muffin tops are cute,” Calum said, “and yummy.” He winked at Michael, earning himself a slap in the arm that he couldn’t dodge.

“What about this blue one?” Ashton asked, taking a blue t-shirt off the rack and holding it up for Michael to see. “I think it would look good with your new hair.”

“I like it,” Michael said. “It goes well with the sparkles on the pants, too. Let’s do it.”

He quickly got dressed, completing the look with a pair of grey converse. There was hardly any time to look at himself in the mirror before once of the stage hands knocked on the door, letting him know that it was time to get ready to go on stage. The three of them walked down the halls of the arena until they made it backstage.

“This is it,” Calum said, sensing Michael’s nerves were returning.

“He’s out there,” Michael said. “Luke’s out there right now.”

“And he’s just as excited to meet you as you are to meet him,” Ashton said, patting Michael on the back. “Just focus on putting on a great show. You’ve got this.”

“I know,” Michael said, but he wasn’t a hundred percent sure he believed it. He kept thinking about all of the things that could possibly go wrong. What if he messed up a song? What if his jumps weren’t high enough? What if he fell off the stage? What if Luke didn’t like him?

“Stop worrying,” Calum said. He stepped in front of Michael and placed both of his hands on his shoulders. “You’re amazing, Michael. I know it, Ashton knows it, and your fans know it. Luke will too.”

“Calum’s right,” Ashton said, giving Michael a smile. “Everything is going to be fine.”

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Michael repeated, hoping that Ashton was right. He felt his phone buzz in his pocket, so he pulled it out, wanting to check it before it was time to go onstage. He ignored the slight shake in his hands and focused on the message on the screen.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _you’re going to be amazing :-)_

Michael’s heart picked up, but his hands stopped shaking. He took a deep breath.

“Michael? You’re on.”


	5. the night we met i knew i needed you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The world needs more love at first sight.” - Maggie Stiefvater
> 
> Just a reminder that there are many times where I will address anxiety and depression in this story. If there is ever a big moment, I will put a warning at the beginning of the chapter. Just remember it is mentioned a lot in passing, and is mentioned in this chapter. Nothing big or scary, but if you are easily triggered, I encourage you to send me a message on [tumblr](http://pilotmikey.tumblr.com/ask) so I can let you know if you have anything to be worried about, or if you have any concerns or questions. Your comfort is important to me!

**_ June 2nd, 2014 _ **

On the car ride to the arena, Luke had been all nerves. Every bump in the road made his stomach lurch, reminding him that in a few short hours, he would be meeting Michael. His legs were bouncing anxiously, and he had to slide his hands over his thighs to force them to remain still. The only time he wasn’t holding his legs still was when he’d sent a final DM to Michael.

Jack had put in Michael’s album, hoping that it would both relax him and pump him up for the concert. Normally, Luke would sing along. He was never shy when it came to Jack, and Luke loved to belt out songs in the car. It was one of his favourite things to do. This time, however, Luke didn’t say anything. He was scared that if he even thought about opening his mouth, he might throw up all over his lap. Instead, he hummed softly, looking out of the window and taking deep breaths to keep himself calm.

This was it. Everything he’d ever wanted had somehow turned into realty. Every dream he’d ever had about getting to talk to Michael, even just once, had come true. In fact, it was better than any dream. Michael was his _friend_. Michael cared about him and liked talking to him and had invited him to his show so that he could _meet_ Luke. None of it felt real.

Jack hadn’t said much on the car ride either. He offered a few reassuring words, reminding Luke that everything would be fine, that he looked great, and that Michael was going to love him just as much as he already did, if not more. Luke had just nodded, trying desperately to believe what Jack was saying.

The truth was, he was terrified. It felt like he was walking on glass all of the time. He couldn’t ignore the fact that he was just fan, and Michael was, well, Michael. It didn’t matter that despite their long conversations and the boundaries slowly dissipating between them, there would always be the social gap separating them.

It wasn’t like Luke was obsessed with Michael or anything. He didn’t even have any posters of him on his wall. He just appreciated Michael more than a lot of other artists. Michael had helped him in so many ways, and still helped him, just by being himself. Luke had been through so much in the past few years, and Michael had made the weight that was constantly threatening to knock him down just a little easier to bear.

Luke didn’t want Michael to think he was just another crazy fan. He didn’t want Michael to think that he had some shrine set up in his closet that he meditated in front of every night. He just wanted Michael to see him as _Luke_ , and considering their new formed friendship, Luke had a feeling that he did.

Luke knew that he wasn’t like the fans he saw on Twitter. He would never stalk a celebrity, beg them to follow him, or wait around at their hotels. He was perfectly content with sitting in his bedroom and listening to their music. There was no desire to have the attention or recognition that came with being associated with someone famous. The only person that even knew that Luke was talking to Michael was Jack, and while that was partially because Luke had no one else to tell, he had a feeling that even if he did have his own friend group, it wouldn’t be the kind of thing he flaunted.

Michael’s job wasn’t easy. Luke knew that to live the kind of life that Michael did, you had to be incredibly strong, and incredibly forgiving. You couldn’t let every little thing get to you, or you at least had to hide it well if you wanted to be well-received. You’d have to be able to handle people sending you death threats, following you home, and even threatening your family. It wasn’t always fame and fortune. It was pain, and depression, and loneliness.

Luke had so much respect for the way Michael carried himself. He never let on to being bothered by the way fans acted, even though Luke knew that it got tiresome. He’d seen firsthand the things that people would do, or say. There was a strong lack of privacy for anyone in the limelight, but Michael had always embraced it.

He had always been open about who he was as a person. For some celebrities, you get the sense that they think they’re better than everyone, or that they hate the things that go alongside being in the spotlight. Michael had never really changed. He was the same now as he was when was just posting covers. He talked about his sexuality, his insomnia, and his emotions. He lived his life with complete honesty, and to be in the position that Michael was and still be able to do that was not only incredible, but inspiring.

One of the first things that had drawn Luke to Michael in the first place was how he was just _himself_. If he posted a cover that had a mistake, like a missed chord or a botched run, he just shook his head, laughed, and carried on. He addressed the things about himself that he felt were important to share, like when he posted his coming out video. There were things he’d wanted to draw attention to in the hopes that it might help someone else. Luke was one of those people.

Without Michael, Luke would still be hiding in the closet. He would still be in denial about who he was, and he would still be hating himself for the way that he felt. Without Michael, Luke didn’t know how he would have gotten through the death of his family. There had been so many nights where his depression had threatened to talk over completely, but with Michael’s music, Luke had been able to fight back. He was stronger now, and getting stronger every day.

The bottom line was, Michael meant a lot to him. Luke simply would not be who he was today if it hadn’t been for Michael. The fact that now they were friends, and about to finally meet each other was nothing short of unfathomable.

When they got to the arena, the place was crowded. Hundreds of people were lined up to try and get last minute tickets, and even more were making their way inside. Jack parked a few blocks away since there was no parking up close, and in the hopes that it wouldn’t be too crazy trying to leave to go home. Of course, they’d be staying later than most people, thanks to the back stage passes. Luke was holding his in his hands, clutching it tightly so that nothing would happen to it. The last thing he wanted was for someone to snatch it away when he wasn’t paying attention.

Luke unbuckled his seatbelt and took a deep breath before opening the door. The moment he did he could hear the sounds coming from the arena, even from a few blocks away. Luke had never been to a concert this crowded before, and he was already starting to feel overwhelmed.

Jack hopped out of his own seat and closed the door. He clicked the button on his car keys that locked the doors and then made his way around the vehicle to meet Luke.

“You okay?” Jack asked. Luke nodded, willing his body to relax. All of his muscles had tensed up the second his foot hit the pavement, and he was questioning whether he was doing the right thing. What if Michael wasn’t even real? What if these tickets were fake? What if the person Luke had been talking to for the past month was just his own head, telling himself that it was Michael to make up for the lack of company he had in his life?

“I’m fine,” Luke said. He tried to tell himself he was being stupid. He wasn’t insane, and he hadn’t hallucinated anything. Michael was real, these tickets were real, and he was meant to be here. Hell, after everything he’d been through, he _deserved_ to be here. The least he could to was calm down and let himself enjoy it.

“You sure?” Jack asked, offering Luke his arm. Luke linked their arms together, elbows locking together.

“Yeah,” Luke said, giving Jack a smile. Tonight was going to be fine; he just had to let it be fine. There was no point in working himself up over nothing. He was going to have a good time, and he was going to enjoy himself.

“Good,” Jack said, returning the smile. The two of them walked the distance separating them from the arena, Jack whistling the song that had been playing last in the car on the way there. Broken Pieces, Luke noted. It was one of his favourites. Michael’s voice was the perfect combination of soft and raspy on that track, and Luke couldn’t help the smile that broke out on his face when he realized that he was about to hear it live.

It wasn’t long before they were walking up the steps leading to the arena, finding their place in the crowd as the people flooded inside. No one was moving very fast, but the amount of people was enough to make Luke’s heart rattle in his chest. He let Jack guide him, trusting that his brother wouldn’t let him get lost in the sea of people.

In the meantime, Luke watched everyone. He took note of their clothing, and all of the coloured hair. It was nice to see so many people wearing things similar to Michael’s own wardrobe. It meant that just like Luke, Michael had inspired them too. He’d given them the courage to try new things and find something that made them feel comfortable and confident, whether it be through pink hair or a pair of converse. Despite the enormous number of people, Luke felt oddly safe. All of these people were here for the same reason he was. All of them had been touched by Michael’s influence.

Luke wondered what it must be like to be in Michael’s place. He got up onstage every night to sing for crowds of this size. All of these people came out to see him. They all screamed and danced and sang his lyrics back to him. Luke was getting choked up just standing amongst them all. He couldn’t imagine how breathtaking it would be to see all of them from a stage, the arena lit up and a chorus of dedicated fans singing along to lyrics that meant something to him. He felt lucky to be a part of it.

When they finally made their way inside of the arena, a security guard was standing at the door ready to scan everyone’s ticket. Luke relaxed the grip he had on his ticket and handed it to the security guard. He held his breath as they scanned the barcode, only letting it out once he heard the small beep and saw the green light flash. Luke waited for Jack’s ticket to be scanned, sighing in relief when his also went through.

“Backstage?” the security guard said. Jack nodded, taking his ticket back from the guard. “After the show you’re going to go to the left wing. One of the security guards at the front will show you where to go from there. If you have any trouble getting to the left wing, just find a member of the security team and they’ll be happy to help you out.”

Luke and Jack both thanked the guard, and then quickly got out of the way. The people behind them were still trying to push through, and Luke just wanted to find his seat and wait for the show.

“Do you wanna get merch?” Jack asked, nodding over to the merchandise table set up a few feet away.

“We don’t have to,” Luke said. He hadn’t brought a lot of money, and he knew merchandise could get pretty expensive.

“It’s on me, kid,” Jack said. “Gotta keep your golden boy in business, don’t we?”

Luke rolled his eyes, but let Jack pull him over to the merchandise table. There were a few shirts, a hoodie, some posters, CDs, and other accessories laid out on the table. Luke looked at all of them, trying to see what would be the cheapest.

“I know what you’re doing,” Jack said, bumping Luke with his hip.

“What am I doing?” Luke asked, frowning.

“Trying to find the cheapest thing on the table,” Jack laughed. “Don’t look at the price tags. Just pick whatever you like. Today is special.”

“I think you use that excuse whenever I want something,” Luke said, shaking his head. He looked back at the display, letting his eyes wander over all of the items. The hoodie was nice. It was black, and had a simple design. Michael’s logo - a red and white broken heart held together by a safety pin - over the heart, and ‘CLIFFORD’ in white lettering across the back.

“It’s nice,” Jack said, noticing Luke eyeing the hoodie. “How much for the hoodie?” He directed the question at the woman behind the cash register. She smiled at the two of them and walked over to pick up a hoodie.

“It’s sixty,” she said, reading the tag. Luke frowned, but decided to keep looking.

“We’ll take one,” Jack said, pulling out his wallet. Luke whipped his head around to look at Jack.

“Wait,” he said, “that’s a lot. I can pick something else.”

“No, it’s fine,” Jack said, digging into his wallet.

“What size?” the woman asked, looking between the two of them.

“Jack,” Luke started.

“We didn’t have to pay for the tickets, Luke,” Jack said. “It’s not like this is gonna set me back or anything. What size do you want?”

“Large,” Luke said, knowing that it would be too big. He liked large sweaters, though. He liked the way his entire body could be swallowed up, and he knew he might be growing still.

The woman dug through a box until she found the right size. Jack handed her a few bills and took the hoodie. He passed it to Luke, and Luke chewed on his lip once he felt how soft it was.

“Thank you,” Luke said softly. “You didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to,” Jack said, throwing an arm around Luke’s shoulders. “Don’t stress about it.”

Luke clutched the sweater tightly to his chest, feeling small all of the sudden. This was such an important night to him, and he hoped that it would be for Michael too. He was happy Jack was with him, because he had a feeling tonight would be an emotional rollercoaster.

There were so many people around, so much going on. No matter which direction he looked, Luke was met with the sight of chaos. It reminded him of the first time he’d went to the carnival. He was just six years old, holding on to the stuffed bear his dad had won for him, trying not to get lost in the masses.

This felt the same.

“Come on,” Jack said, pulling Luke from his thoughts. “Let’s find our seats.”

Luke let Jack pull him through the crowd, grabbing his arm again so they didn’t get separated. They found the doorway that led into the main room of the arena where the stage was. They shuffled along, following the streams of people trying to locate their seats.

It didn’t take long for them to find where they would be sitting. They had a good view of the stage, yet still away from all of the chaos on the floor. Luke wasn’t big on crowds, so he didn’t mind being spared from general admission.

“What time is it?” Luke asked, grabbing the fold-up seat and lowering it so he could sit down. Jack did the same, sinking down onto the plastic chair and getting comfortable.

“Almost seven,” Jack said. “Does he have an opening act?”

“Yeah I think so,” Luke said. “Everyone’s sitting down. They’re probably going on soon.”

Luke was right, and soon enough the house lights were dimming. The crowd began cheering, anticipating what would be coming next. The opening band ran out onto the stage, guitars in hand. The stage lights flashed a vibrant red, and the first chords rang out, filling the arena with sound.

The band was good, but Luke wasn’t paying much attention. All he could think about was Michael. He knew that as soon as the opening act was finished, Michael would take the stage. After that, Luke would be headed back stage to _meet_ Michael. As much as he tried to focus on the cheesy love song the band was playing, all he could think about was what Michael would be like in person, and what he would look like on the stage, or how he would sound live.

Luke had watched so many videos from Michael’s tour online. He kept up with the set list, and listened to any recordings he could find. He had never expected to be able to attend one of Michael’s shows, and he’d wanted to experience it any way he could. Now that he was here, he couldn’t wait to experience it firsthand.

There was a small intermission between the acts, so when the opening act left the stage, the house lights came back on. The stagehands bustled around, moving equipment and replacing it with the things Michael would need for his set. An _All Time Low_ song played over the speakers, and Luke tried to pay attention to the lyrics instead of the butterflies that were fluttering around in his chest.

It seemed like years before the lights were dimming again. The crowd started screaming, and Luke had to take a moment to look around the room and take all of it in. He suspected he might go deaf before the night was over, but he had a feeling it would be worth it.

Michael’s safety pin logo flashed on the big screen, only encouraging the screaming fans to cheer louder. Luke felt his heart begin to race. Any minute now, Michael would appear.

“You good?” Jack asked. Luke nodded, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the stage. He didn’t want to miss the moment Michael walked out.

The opening riff to _Permanent Vacation_ flooded through the speakers. The screaming got louder and louder, until finally, Michael stepped onto the stage. He ran out, fingers already working the strings of his guitar. The backup musicians appeared as the stage lights brightened and Michael found his place in front of the microphone.

“How’s everybody doing tonight?” Michael shouted, looking around the room. He didn’t say anything else, moving right into the song. The song was upbeat, and everyone in the crowd was on their feet, dancing and singing along to the lyrics.

Luke wanted to sing along. His mouth was trying to move with the lyrics, but his brain wasn’t listening. Everything was going on around him, but all he could see was Michael. He was even more enthralling than Luke had initially thought.

Michael moved around the stage when he wasn’t singing, making sure to pay each side of the stage the same amount of attention. He spun around as he played his guitar, jumping off amps and sliding down onto his knees. He became so absorbed in the music, eyes falling shut as he sang.

He looked beautiful.

“I want to thank everybody for coming out tonight!” Michael shouted, taking a moment to address the crowd. “This show has always been my favourite. Sydney is my home, and I’ll always love playing here the most.”

The crowd cheered, and Luke could hear various shouts of ‘ _I love you’_ and _‘play Jet Black Heart’._ He loved hearing the enthusiasm, but he always wished they would quiet down. He didn’t want to miss a word that Michael was saying.

“Anyways, this show is extra special,” Michael continued. “I have a special friend here tonight, and I really hope he’s enjoying himself. I’m going to get back to the music right away, I just wanted to say, this one’s for you.”

“Is he talking about you?” Jack asked, nudging Luke with his elbow.

“I-yeah, I think he is,” Luke said, chewing on his lip. Michael started playing the chords to the next song, and Luke recognized it as _Unpredictable_.

“What song is this?” Jack asked, not recognizing anything that wasn’t on Michael’s debut album.

“Unpredictable. It’s from the EP he released back when he was still doing YouTube videos,” Luke said, still keeping his attention fixed on the stage.

Luke loved this song, and he hadn’t heard it in a while. He felt a small pang of nostalgia as he remembered the days he used to spend watching Michael’s videos on YouTube. That was back when his parents were still around, and they used to tell Luke he had to turn his music down. He used to blast Michael’s EP in his room, loud enough so that his own singing was drowned out. He used to sing a lot, before the accident.

Luke shoved those thoughts aside, deciding to lose himself in the music. He watched Michael perform, not even trying to hide the smile on his face. Luke felt good. He felt happy and light. Everyone around him was lost in the music as well, and even Michael looked to be immersed in the energy the crowd was giving back to him.

All of it was over too soon. It must have been an hour of singing along to his favourite songs, watching Michael perform. Before he knew it, Michael was saying goodnight and running off of the stage. The crowd was chanting for an encore, and Luke joined them, wanting to hear just one more song.

After a few minutes, Michael was back. The look on his face was one of pure joy and admiration. Luke knew that Michael didn’t take a single moment of it for granted.

“You want some more?” Michael asked, laughing at the audience. Everyone cheered, and Michael looked like he was using that moment to take everything in. “Okay, let’s do one more.”

Michael played two more songs, running around the stage and trying to use every second he had onstage to connect with the audience. Luke felt overwhelmed for Michael. He felt pride and adoration at how far Michael had come in the past few years. He couldn’t help but feel like Michael deserved every moment of this. He deserved all of the recognition and the reward. He deserved to feel proud of himself, and to experience everything that life had to offer him.

When Michael said goodbye for the second and final time, people began to file out of the arena. Jack stood up, and Luke followed, making their way out of the row of chairs and onto the stairs leading down to the stage. Luke kept his eyes trained on Jack’s back, careful not to lose sight of him as everyone else pushed past them.

“She said left wing, right?” Jack asked, turning his head to look at Luke.

“Yeah, just down there,” Luke said, pointing to where a few of the bodyguards were still hanging around. The two of them hurried down the rest of the stairs to find someone to show them backstage.

“Can I help you?” one of the guards asked.

“Yeah, we have backstage passes,” Jack explained, handing the guard their tickets. “We were told someone here could show us backstage.”

The guard looked over the tickets, making sure they were in fact backstage passes. Luke felt his hands beginning to shake. This was it. He was about to meet Michael.

“Follow me,” the guard said, handing the tickets back to Jack. The two of them followed the guard around the side of the stage and down a hallway leading to black door. The guard pulled out his handheld radio and said something into it. “Wait here,” he told them.

The guard left, leaving Luke and Jack waiting by the door. Luke’s anxiety was through the roof, but he was trying his best to keep his breathing calm. He wasn’t sure if he was terrified, excited, or both.

“Do I look okay?” Luke asked, turning to Jack.

“You look fine,” Jack said.

“And my eyeliner?” Luke asked, hands flying up to his face. “Is it running or anything?”

“No, it’s perfect,” Jack assured him. “You look perfect.”

Just then, the black door swung open. A boy that looked to be around the same age as Michael appeared behind the door. His skin was a rich brown, and hair was a mess of tight curls. He smiled at them, and Luke felt some of his nerves dissipate.

“Here to see Michael?” the boy asked, looking them both over. Jack nodded, handing the boy their tickets.

“Yeah,” Jack said. “I’m Jack, and this is Luke.”

The boy’s eyes fell on Luke, looking him up and down. His smile grew, and Luke felt himself start to blush.

“Golden boy,” the boy muttered. Luke frowned, just as the boy turned to walk away.

“Wait, what?” Luke asked, hurrying after the boy down the hallway behind the door.

“I’m Calum,” the boy said, ignoring Luke’s questions. “Michael’s been looking forward to meeting you for a while.”

“Likewise,” Luke said, looking behind him to make sure Jack was following them. He was, and he smiled at Luke encouragingly. They reached another door at the end of the hallway, and Calum pushed it open. Behind the door was what looked to be a storage room for tech equipment. There was another door on the opposite side of the room, and Calum ushered them towards it.

“Michael’s just in here,” he said, opening the door. In this room, there were a few couches lined up against the walls, and a table full of fruit, cookies, and water bottles. Two boys were sitting on one of the couches, hunched over and speaking in whispers. They looked up when they heard the door open, and Luke was met with the sight of a boy he didn’t know, and Michael.

Everything was quiet for a moment. Michael’s eyes met Luke’s, and everything seemed to stop. No one spoke. All that could be heard was the light hum of a generator somewhere, and after a minute, the sound of Calum coughing.

“Luke,” Michael said, eyes seeming to light up and go soft at the same time. He stood up from the couch, but then stopped, as if unsure what to do next. Luke swallowed, doing his best to ignore the sound of his heartbeat drumming in his ears. Michael was even more beautiful up close.

Luke wasn’t sure if he was supposed to stay where he was, or move closer to Michael. It felt like there were too many people in the room. He felt exposed like this. He wanted to asked everyone to leave, so that it was just the two of them. The only person that mattered right now was Michael.

He knew he had to say something before things got weird, but the words were stuck in his throat. It was impossible to think when Michael was standing in front of him, sweaty and glowing from being onstage. There wasn’t enough air in the room, and it took everything Luke had to say anything at all. When he finally did, he prayed that his voice wouldn’t waver.

“Hi.”

 

***

 

**_ June 2nd, 2014 _ **

 

“Hi.”

They always talk about this moment in the movies. All of his life, Michael had thought it was just another trope, overused and annoying. You know, when everything sort of just, stops. The world goes quiet and all you can hear is your own breathing. All you see is the person standing in front of you. That wasn’t supposed to happen in real life.

But there he was, standing in front of Luke, seeing him for the first time. He could picture imaginary puzzle pieces floating around his head, connecting as he finally saw the person he’d been talking to for the past month. Something inside of him clicked, and though he knew how that sounded, there was no other way to describe it.

Luke was ethereal.

He looked his age, seventeen and beautiful. His hair was styled above his head in a perfect quiff. He was dressed in all black, with the lightest hint of gold lining his eyes. Luke was lanky, and no taller than Michael himself, but if his brother was anything to go by, he would be growing soon.

Luke wasn’t at all what Michael had been expecting. He didn’t even know what he’d been expecting, but it wasn’t this. Luke was, simply put, _beautiful_.

“Hi,” Michael said, finally. He shook his head, trying to force himself to remain calm. He stepped forward, getting closer to Luke.

“Hi,” Luke said again, smiling shyly. There was a hint of crimson blushing his cheeks, and Michael felt his heart thump hard enough that he wanted to place a hand across his chest to will it to calm it down.

“I, how, uh,” Michael stuttered. He could see Calum smirking in his peripheral vision. Michael shook his head again, his cheeks heating up until he knew they were a much darker shade of red than Luke’s. “Can I, can I hug you?”

“Yeah,” Luke said, nodding eagerly and blushing even more. He stepped forward, tentatively inching closer to Michael. Michael met him halfway, closing the distance until their chests met and their arms were wrapping around one another. From their proximity, Michael could tell that Luke was about an inch or two shorter than him, and his face molded into Michael’s neck perfectly. Michael held him close, burying his own face in Luke’s shoulder.

“We’ll leave you two,” Ashton said, getting up from the couch and walking over to where Calum was standing, still smirking. He grabbed on to Calum’s arm and guided him out of the room.

“Can I join you?” Luke’s brother, Jack, asked. “This is more for him than me anyways.”

Michael pulled away from Luke, giving him a smile before turning his attention to his friends. Jack took a few steps towards him, coming to a halt behind Luke. He placed his hands on Luke’s shoulders and smiled.

“Hi,” Michael said, holding out a hand for Jack to shake. “You must be Jack. It’s so nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Jack said, shaking Michael’s hand. “You were great tonight.”

“Thanks,” Michael replied, trying to keep his eyes from drifting back to Luke. “Are you sure you don’t want to stay?”

“I’m good,” Jack said, looking to Luke for confirmation. Luke nodded, a silent conversation passing between them.

“This is Ashton,” Michael said, pointing to the man in question. “You’ve already met Calum. They’re cool, and super nice. Oh, and help yourself to food or water.” He gestured to the table of snacks.

“Thanks,” Jack said, “but I’m good.”

“We’ll go,” Calum said, leading Ashton out of the room, and waving Jack along with them.

“You’ll be okay?” Jack asked Luke, who nodded and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Luke said, “thanks.”

“Call me if you need anything, or when you’re done,” Jack said, before following the others out of the room. Suddenly it was just the two of them, and Michael felt all of the nerves that he’d battled just hours ago come flooding back.

“Do you want to sit?” Michael asked, nodding his head toward the couch. Luke was playing with his fingers, a nervous habit Michael had partaken in a few times himself.

“Sure,” Luke said, voice sounding strained. They moved to the couch and sat down, a few inches between them. Luke stared at his lap, and Michael could tell he was anxious.

“Are you alright?” Michael asked, trying to get Luke to look up at him. It worked, and soon Michael was met with Luke’s soft blue eyes.

“Nervous,” Luke chuckled. “Sorry if I’m like, being rude or anything.”

“Oh god, no,” Michael laughed. “You’re fine, don’t worry. I’m nervous too, trust me.”

“You were amazing tonight,” Luke said suddenly, body seeming to relax. The awkward barriers between were slowly ceasing to exist. Luke’s eyes were alarmingly clear, and full of honesty. Michael had to remind himself to breathe before answering.

“Thank you,” he whispered. There was an energy buzzing in the room, much different than the one that had been filling the arena only minutes ago, only Michael couldn’t figure out exactly what it was.

“This is weird,” Luke said, peeking up at Michael from underneath his eyelashes. Michael was reminded of the nights Calum had gushed about the way Ashton looked doing this very action. It had just been annoying then, but it wasn’t now. For the first time, Michael understood what Calum meant.

“Yeah,” Michael said. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Luke asked, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“I don’t know,” Michael laughed. “I didn’t want this to be awkward or anything, and I’m not doing a very good job of making it, like, not awkward.”

Luke let out a laugh - a genuine one - and the sound struck a chord in him. Michael watched the way Luke’s nose scrunched up, and how his head tilted back ever so slightly. He’d never seen or heard a laugh that made him feel like this. Michael had a fleeting thought about writing a song about Luke’s laugh alone.

“You’re fine too,” Luke said, parroting the words Michael had spoken to him. Michael ducked his head slightly, before looking back up to Luke and smiling.

“Okay, good,” Michael said. “I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

“Neither can I,” Luke said, grinning at Michael. “It’s kind of surreal.”

“Yeah, it is,” Michael agreed.

“Your hair looks great, by the way,” Luke said, letting his eyes roam up to look at Michael’s hair. “You can’t even tell you looked like a train wreck a few hours ago.”

“Shut up!” Michael laughed. “It was not a train wreck, it just, wasn’t, you know, good.”

“There’s a difference?” Luke asked, smirking. The tension was definitely staring to disappear as the two of them warmed up to each other. Michael had known it wouldn’t take long for them to get comfortable around each other.

“You’re worse than Calum, I swear,” Michael said, shaking his head.

“He seems nice,” Luke said, glancing at the door Calum, Ashton, and Jack had left out of.

“He is,” Michael said. “Ashton is too.”

“And Ashton is your…”

“My stylist,” Michael clarified. Luke’s eyes widened in understanding, and he let out a soft ‘ _ah’_.

“So he’s the one that gets to deal with your, non-train wrecks?” Luke asked.

“Yeah, that’s him,” Michael said, ignoring Luke’s dig at him.

“He’s got his work cut out for him,” Luke said, a glimmer in his eyes as he teased Michael.

“You’re a bit cheeky aren’t you?” Michael asked. Luke grinned, laughing softly.

“I can be,” he said ambiguously. “So, am I as ugly as you’d hoped I would be?”

“Not even a little bit,” Michael said honestly. “I’m a bit disappointed.”

Luke pouted exaggeratedly, and Michael couldn’t help it when his eyes wandered down to Luke’s lips. They looked soft, and they were perfect shade of pink. He had to force his eyes back up to Luke’s own, not wanting to be caught staring. In his defense, it was rather hard not to.

“Sorry about that,” Luke said.

“Gold eyeliner,” Michael said, “nice touch.”

“Thanks,” Luke replied. “I like gold.”

“So do I.”    

Something in the air was electric. Michael felt like all of his hair was standing on end, even though he knew it wasn’t. There was just something about Luke that made it hard for him to breathe. Something about the way Luke was looking at him, and something about the way Michael couldn’t stop looking at Luke.

This wasn’t like meeting any other fan. Michael had known from the moment he’d sent Luke the tickets that once they met, this would feel different. He knew Luke - personally. Michael cared about him, more so than he would ‘just another fan’ because he knew things about Luke that made it impossible _not_ to care about him. Even if Michael didn’t have insight on who Luke was, he had a feeling that his chest would’ve tightened up just the same. It was impossible to look at him and feel unaffected.

There was a light inside Luke, one that was visible just by the way he moved, and the way he spoke. There was something about him that was special, and influential. Whatever it was had Michael wondering how he had ever existed without being close to him before, and without ever seeing his face. He wondered how it was possible for him to have gone his entire life without ever feeling the way he felt when he looked at Luke.

“I want to see you again,” Michael said, filling the silence that had begun lingering in the room.

“I, you, what?” Luke stumbled, tripping over his words before they even had a chance to leave his mouth.

“I want to see you again,” Michael repeated. “If that’s okay with you, of course.”

“Yeah, no, definitely,” Luke said, eyes widening at the request. “I would love that.”

“Yeah?” Michael asked, feeling excitement pool in the pit of his stomach. Luke nodded, lips parting in a perfect grin that had Michael returning the smile with eagerness.

“When?” Luke asked. “And how? I know you have the tour…”

“I have a few days here, since I’m home. Time to see my family and stuff,” Michael explained. “It’s hardly a break, but it’s something. We could see a movie or something? Or get ice cream?”

“That sounds great,” Luke said. “Are you sure though? I wouldn’t want to get in the way of family time or anything.”

“I’m sure. I really want to see you again,” Michael said. “Besides, friends hang out, and we haven’t really gotten a chance to do that yet.”

“That’s true,” Luke agreed. “I’d love to hang out.”

“Great!” Michael said. “I’ll probably just DM you when and stuff, if that’s okay.”

“That’s fine,” Luke chuckled.

“Did you buy that?” Michael asked, pointing to the hoodie that was sitting folded on Luke’s lap.

“What?” Luke asked, following Michael’s line of sight. “Oh, yeah, Jack got it for me.”

“I could have just asked for it for you,” Michael said, a small frown on his face. “I meant to put together a basket of stuff for you, but then the hair thing happened and I got so distracted. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Luke laughed. “You’ve already done so much. I mean, free tickets? I think you’ve exceeded your charity obligation when it comes to me.”

“You aren’t charity, Luke. Don’t ever think that.”

Luke didn’t say anything, but he held Michael’s gaze. He looked so delicate, and Michael wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and spend the rest of his life reminding Luke that he wasn’t a burden to anyone. He had a feeling that Luke wasn’t used to much generosity. The thought made his chest ache for all of the things that Luke had been subject to for no reason at all.

After a moment of silence, Luke licked his lips. Once again, Michael’s attention was drawn to the curve of Luke’s mouth, and the idea of being able to kiss him was so tempting that he nearly leaned over and tested it out. He forced his eyes back to Luke’s own, desperately trying to push the thoughts of kissing Luke as far away from him as he possibly could.

There was a knock at the door, and a second later Ashton’s head of wavy curls was popping into the room.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Ashton said, “but they really need us to get going. People won’t expect you to be staying in a hotel while you’re here, so they want to get you on route before anyone realizes you won’t be going home tonight.”

“Sounds good. Thanks Ashton,” Michael said. Ashton gave him a small smile before disappearing out of the room. Michael turned his attention back to Luke, who was mirroring the smile Ashton had given him.

“I’m holding you up,” Luke said, looking apologetic.

“Not at all,” Michael replied. “It’s just the manager, that’s all. Things get a bit out of control when I’m in Sydney.”

“I would assume things would be a bit wild all of the time,” Luke said. Michael laughed, nodding his head.

“It can be,” Michael agreed. “But I love it. I wouldn’t want to change a thing. Well, except for the fact that I have to go.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Luke assured him. “We’re going to hang out, remember?”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Michael said. Luke stood up from the couch, and Michael was thankful. If it was up to him, he would sit there all night and talk to Luke until someone from the arena had to come and kick them out. There wasn’t nearly enough time, and Michael didn’t want to say goodbye yet.

“Come on,” Luke said, sensing Michael’s reluctantness. “I’ll see you again soon.”

Michael got up from the couch and immediately pulled Luke in for a hug. He pressed his face into the side of Luke’s neck and sighed. Luke was holding on just as tightly.

“I’m so happy we got to meet,” Michael whispered. He could feel Luke smile, and he felt his chest heat up again.

“Me too,” Luke said, voice muffled by the fabric of Michael’s shirt. “Thank you.”

“For what?” Michael asked, pulling away from the embrace. Luke shrugged, backing away slightly. Suddenly he looked so much smaller than he had when he first entered the room.

“For answering my letter, the tickets,” Luke said, “for wanting to be my friend. You don’t know what it means to me.”

“I do,” Michael said. He had an idea, anyway. Luke had been through so much. He needed this - someone reaching out to him, willing to listen and get to know him. Michael was shocked no one had been there for him already, not including his brother. Luke was funny, and sweet. Michael hadn’t found a single thing he didn’t like about him. “I could thank you too, you know.”

“For what?” Luke asked, cocking his head in confusion. Now it was Michael’s turn to shrug.

“For making me happy.”

Before Luke could say anything, the door opened up and Calum, Ashton, and Jack filed in. Michael knew it was time for them all to leave, but he wished there was a way to stick around just a little while longer.

“Luke, it’s time to go,” Jack said, walking over to where Luke was still standing in front of Michael.

“Yeah, okay,” Luke said, not taking his eyes off of Michael.

“I’ll see you soon,” Michael said. “I’ll send you a message tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Luke said, giving Michael one last smile. “I’ll see you, Michael.”

“Thanks again for the tickets, mate,” Jack said, reaching out to shake Michael’s hand again. “You put on a great show.”

“Any time,” Michael said, shaking Jack’s hand. “Drive safe.”

Jack put his hand on Luke’s back and ushered him towards the door. Luke looked over his shoulder, giving Michael a small wave before leaving the room. Once he was gone, Michael felt oddly alone, even though Calum and Ashton were still standing right beside him.

“How did it go?” Calum asked, looking at Michael expectantly.  

Michael stared at the door Luke had walked out of. He could still feel the warmth of Luke’s body against his. His shoulder could still remember the vibrations of Luke’s voice speaking into it. The entire room had an impression left on it, even though Luke was no longer there.

Michael had always been the type of person to fall quickly. Not just when it came to love, but everything. When he saw something he wanted, he took it. He did everything in his power to keep it from slipping away, and yet, he’d just watched Luke walk out the door.

A wild part of him wanted to chase after Luke, even though he was going to see him again soon anyways. Michael wanted to sprint out of the room, catch up to Luke, and tell him something that would stop him from leaving. It was stupid; this wasn’t a romantic comedy. But that didn’t stop his mind from entertaining the idea.

Michael did know one thing for sure: he had to see Luke again. He had to get to know him better, and be his friend. He wanted to know everything there was to know about Luke, and he wanted Luke to know everything there was to know about him.

“It was perfect,” Michael said, finally tearing his eyes away from the door. “He’s perfect.”


	6. i knew the panic was over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
> 
> Standard warning for anxiety. Nothing major, just a reminder that it's mentioned frequently. Editing might be a bit loose on this one, but hopefully it's not too bad. Ao3 was playing tricks on me.

_**June 3rd, 2014** _

Falling asleep the night after the concert was one of the hardest things Luke had ever done. He was still high off the rush that came with going to a concert _and_ meeting your idol all in the same night. He’d barely been able to sit still on the car ride home, excitement coursing through him and making it impossible for him to calm down. 

Jack had waited until they were a block away from the arena before asking Luke how things had gone with Michael. Luke was grateful, hating the thought of Michael somehow overhearing him gush. As soon as he was sure they were out of earshot, Luke let the floodgates open, spilling everything that had happened to Jack. He’d lost count of how many times Jack had to stop him and say ‘s _low down_ ’ because all of his words were coming out at the same time. No matter how much he tried to calm down, he couldn’t. 

Things with Michael gone perfectly. Despite the initial awkwardness that Luke had been expecting, their first time meeting could not have gone smoother. Michael was just as kind as he was during their Twitter conversations. He didn’t make Luke feel inferior or uncomfortable. He was just as nervous as Luke had been, and once the ice had been broken, it felt like talking to a real friend. 

That was the one thing Luke was still having trouble wrapping his head around – the fact that Michael considered them friends. Yes, they talked every day, and yes, Michael had confirmed that they were, in fact, friends, but the idea was still so foreign to Luke. It had been so long since he’d had a friend. For Michael, of all people, to actually want to spend time with him, was sheer insanity. 

Luke didn’t know why he was different. He knew that Michael didn’t make a habit out of randomly sending fans backstage passes. What made him special? As far as Luke could tell, there wasn’t anything extraordinary about him. He was just Luke, and from his perspective, that wasn’t much of an accomplishment. 

There were a lot of things that Luke was insecure about. He hated that he wasn’t more outgoing, and that sometimes his depression made it hard for him to even get out of bed. He hated that he wasn’t one of those people that smiled all of the time, like Michael seemed to be. There were so many aspects of his personality that he wanted to change, but when he talked to Michael, he didn’t hate them so much. Michael was constantly telling Luke that it was okay to feel however he felt, and it was nice to feel like the parts of himself that he didn’t like weren’t so bad after all. Even though he still didn’t think he was special, talking to Michael made him feel like he was.

Michael kept Luke on his toes. First it was the letter, and then the tickets. Then it was befriending him over Twitter, and meeting him. Now, Michael wanted to see him again. Every time Luke felt like things were as good as they could get, Michael surprised him with another curve-ball. Luke wasn’t sure when he’d woken up in an alternate universe, but he was damn well going to enjoy it while he could. 

Having Michael want to spend time with him was something out of Luke’s dreams. Meeting him was already enough to give Luke hope that the pit he’d been sucked into after the accident would not be what he was confined to forever. There was more out there waiting for him. A bizarre stroke of luck had brought Luke to Michael, and he just hoped that it wouldn’t end too soon. 

The morning after the concert was foggy. Luke woke up in a haze, nearly forgetting the events from the night before. He sat up, stretching out his limbs and yawning away the sleep that was still wearing him down. The sun was pouring in through his window, and he could hear a bird chirping away outside. The sound didn’t bother him. In fact, for the first time in a long time, Luke felt alive. 

He wasn’t often blessed with such a positive outlook on life first thing in the morning. Normally, he’d groan at the sound of his alarm clock, hit the snooze button, and then roll over to get a few more minutes of rest before he had to get out of bed and face the world. 

This morning felt different. 

After rubbing his eyes and letting his shoulders slouch, Luke remembered everything that had happened the night prior. Memories of the concert came rushing back, waking Luke up even more. He felt a pang of longing as he remembered what it had felt like to hug Michael for the first time, and the way he’d said ‘ _for making me happy_ ’ without any explanation at all. Luke still wasn’t certain any of it had been real. 

He shook his head, wishing that the doubt he always seemed to carry would leave him alone. Last night had been wonderful. He didn’t want to go and do something stupid like ruining it by over thinking. 

The smell of pancakes wafted into his room, and the scent was all Luke needed to drag his tired body out of bed and into the kitchen. Jack was standing over the stove, flipping a pancake in the air and catching it expertly. Luke noticed a pan of bacon sizzling in the back burner. 

“You’re up!” Jack said cheerily. Luke shuffled further into the kitchen to see if Jack needed a hand with anything. 

“Yeah,” Luke said, yawning. “Need help?” 

“I’ve got it,” Jack said, flipping another pancake. “You slept in later than usual.” 

“I had trouble falling asleep.” Luke told him. “It’s not every day your favourite person asks to hang out with you.” 

“I resent that,” Jack said, taking the spoon lying in the empty mixing bowl and flicking raw pancake batter at Luke. “I think I should be your favourite person.” 

“You are,” Luke huffed. “I meant my other favourite person.” 

“Sure you did,” Jack said, rolling his eyes. “It’s okay, I forgive you. Has he messaged you yet?” 

Luke walked over to the cupboard and pulled out two plates and two cups, and then grabbed the pitcher of juice from the fridge. He poured them each a glass, taking a sip of his own before handing the other to Jack. “No, not yet. At least, I haven’t checked. I doubt it though.” 

“Why? He clearly likes you. Go check!” Jack encouraged. 

Luke took another sip of his juice and sighed. “I don’t want to be disappointed when I see he hasn’t messaged.” 

“How do you know you’ll be disappointed if you don’t even look?” Jack said, grabbing the plates Luke sat by the stove. He started filling them both up with food, passing one of them to Luke once he was finished. He got them each a fork and sat down at the table beside Luke. 

“I’ll check after I eat. I don’t want to cut into time with my favourite person,” Luke teased. 

“Liar,” Jack said, shaking his head and laughing softly. 

Breakfast was the perfect opportunity for Luke to try and get his mind off of Michael. He drank his juice and ate his bacon as he listened to his brother talk about one of his co-workers. It was nice to listen to someone else’s experiences instead of always over thinking his own. Plus, Jack was a great storyteller. He always told the funniest parts of story, and he didn’t bother with details that weren’t important, so Luke never got tired of listening to him talk. 

When the two of them were finished eating, Luke offered to clean everything up. Jack had to go to work in the afternoon, so he thanked Luke for the extra time to relax. Luke didn’t mind cleaning up, either. It was a stalling tactic. 

The truth was, he was terrified. Meeting Michael was scary, but seeing him, hanging out with him, just for fun? That was anxiety-central. There were so many things going through Luke’s head, starting with Michael never messaging him, and ending with them hanging out and having every possible embarrassing thing that could ever happen, happen. He knew neither were very likely, but that didn’t stop him from worrying. 

As if his nerves were fuelling his work ethic, Luke finished cleaning up from breakfast in record time. Every dish was scrubbed spotless, and any trace of a mess was wiped away. A part of him got the urge to mess it all up again, just so he would have a reason to keep busy, but he knew he would have to check his phone eventually. 

Luke went back to his room and shut the door. His phone was sitting on his desk, reflecting the light coming in from the window and casting a beam onto the adjacent wall. Luke stared at it until his heart began to flutter anxiously. All he had to do was look. 

“Stop being a wuss,” Luke whispered to himself. He took a deep breath and walked over to his desk. He picked up the phone and clicked the home button. He closed his eyes for a moment, silently preparing himself for whatever was on the screen. Whether Michael had messaged him or not, there were nerves pricking away at every positive outlook. He hated how easy it was to ruin things for himself. 

When he opened his eyes, he noticed a small envelope icon at the top of the screen. It was different than the kind that showed up for text messages, and Luke knew that it was for Twitter. 

Michael. 

“Relax,” Luke told himself, scolding his heart for reacting so violently. He could nearly feel the vibrations shaking his entire body as his heart pounded in his chest. 

_**Michael Clifford:** hey lukey :)_

Luke let out a sigh of relief. He wasn’t sure why he still got so nervous when it came to Michael. Whenever they spoke, everything around him felt calm. The time in between wasn’t as easy. Perhaps it was because he still wasn’t used to any of this; talking to Michael, or anyone at all, was new for Luke. He hoped it wouldn’t take long for him stop worrying between every interaction. 

He was a bit concerned over how quickly he was letting himself trust Michael. He didn’t know if it was because of all the time he’d spent following Michael’s career, or if it was because of the way Michael treated him. Maybe it was a bit of both. Luke hated relying on people because of how fickle they could be, and how easily life could rip them away from him. He wasn’t used to giving his trust away so easily. 

It was as if the anxiety he felt when it came to Michael was the only thing keeping him at an arm’s length. In a way, he was grateful. It didn’t want to give himself up so easily. On the other hand, it felt nice to have someone be there for him. He didn’t want to feel any negativity about it just because it was hard for him to open up. 

It was different when he was just writing letters to Michael. Even though they all had a destination, it had always felt like Luke was writing to a ghost. It was easy to open up to Michael when no one was answering - when it felt like no one was there. 

Now that Michael was a part of his life, Luke felt like there were parts of him on display. There were things Michael knew about that him that made him feel vulnerable. Luke knew Michael didn’t let any of it influence his opinion of Luke as a person, but in a way, that was even scarier. He didn’t want Michael to think of him as weak because of the trouble he had at school. He didn’t want Michael to consider him broken just because of what had happened to him in the past year. 

Luke knew he was over thinking again. Sometimes he felt like it was the only thing he was good at. He took another deep breath to keep himself from getting worked up over nothing. It wasn’t fair to himself to always stand in his own way. It was something he knew he had to work on. 

_**Luke Hemmings:** hey mikey :-)_

The reply was almost immediate. 

_**Michael Clifford:** ah, so you are there! I was beginning to think I scared you off last night _

_**Luke Hemmings:** never :P _

_**Michael Clifford:** okay good! so would you be up for hanging out? _

His heart began to thump softly, and Luke bit his lip as he carefully typed out his response.  

_**Luke Hemmings:** yeah definitely, when? _

_**Michael Clifford:** I was thinking today? if you aren’t busy? _

_**Luke Hemmings:** I’m not lol I pretty much never have anything going on other than school _

_**Michael Clifford:** okay great! I didn’t plan have anything specific planned, but we could drive into town and just browse the shops? I haven’t done that in a while and I kind of miss it :(_

_**Luke Hemmings:** that sounds good to me :-) I can’t drive.. _

_**Michael Clifford:** lol I can! don’t worry! :P_

_**Luke Hemmings:** okay :-P_

_**Michael Clifford:** I could pick you up in an hour? is that enough time for you?_

_**Luke Hemmings:** yeah! I’ll get ready now _

_**Michael Clifford:** okay! _

Luke sent Michael his address and asked him to let him know when he was leaving. He chucked his phone on his bed and immediately ran to his closet. He only had an hour to get ready, and he had to do his hair still. Michael probably wouldn’t care what he was wearing, but Luke wanted to look nice. 

He settled on a pair of black skinny jeans and a black t-shirt paired with a red and black flannel shirt. Once he was dressed, he stood in front of his full-length mirror and a ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t feel like spending time styling it, so he pushed his fringe around until he was satisfied with how it looked. It was a little wavy, but it didn’t look bad. Jack always said his fringe was nicer than his quiff, anyway. 

Once he was ready, Luke grabbed his phone and his wallet and slid them in his pocket. He still had about half an hour before Michael would pick him up. He went to Jack’s room and knocked on the door. 

“Jack, I’m going out soon,” Luke said, raising his voice so his brother could hear him through the wood of the door. 

“Where are you going?” Jack said. Luke heard footsteps coming closer to the door, and a second later it swung open, Jack standing in the door frame. 

“Out,” Luke said. “With Michael,” he added. 

“Michael’s coming here?” Jack asked. 

“Just to pick me up,” Luke clarified. “We’re going to go into town and just browse the shops.” 

“Just the two of you?” Jack asked, raising his eyebrows. 

“As far as I know,” Luke said, frowning slightly. “It’s not what you’re thinking.” 

“What am I thinking?” Jack asked, grin forming on his face. 

“That it’s a date,” Luke stated bluntly. “It isn’t. We’re just hanging out, okay?”

“Okay, okay,” Jack chuckled, holding his hands up in defence. “Have fun then, okay? Be safe, and take your key with you in case I’m not here when you get home.” 

“I will,” Luke said. 

“Is there a way I can contact him if anything happens?” Jack asked. “I don’t know him, and I don’t think he’ll like, kidnap you or anything. I just want to be safe.” 

“I just talk to him over Twitter. I can give you my login information if you promise not to snoop,” Luke said, starting to head towards the kitchen to grab a pen and paper.

“I promise,” Jack said. “I barely know how to work that site anyway.” 

Luke laughed softly, opening up once of the kitchen drawers and pulling out a piece of scrap paper and a pen. He quickly jotted down his login information and handed it to Jack. 

“I doubt you’ll need to use this, but here,” Luke said. Jack took the piece of paper and folded it in half before slipping it in his pocket. 

“Thanks, kid. What time is he getting here?” 

Luke glanced at the clock on the stove and widened his eyes. “In like, ten minutes!” 

“Relax,” Jack said. “You look good, by the way. I like your hair like that.” 

“I know,” Luke said with a smirk. “I’ve got to go grab my key.” 

Luke ran back to his room and picked up his key from his desk. On his way out of the room, he stopped in front of the mirror one last time. He looked nice, and he didn’t think that very often. 

After adjusting his lip ring, Luke turned his bedroom light off and closed the door. He went to the front door and slipped his shoes on. Luke pulled his phone out of his pocket and saw that Michael had messaged him. 

_**Michael Clifford:** leaving now, if you need a bit of time to get ready still there’s no rush, I don’t mind waiting :)_

_**Luke Hemmings:** no worries, I’m ready :-)_

“Have fun today, okay?” Jack said, appearing from the hallway and leaning against the wall. “Do you need money or anything?” 

“I’m okay,” Luke said. “I still have the money I was going to spend on the piercing.” 

“Okay,” Jack said. “If you end up needing more, I’m sure your golden boy can take care of it.” 

“Shut up,” Luke said, shaking his head and laughing. Just then, Luke felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

_**Michael Clifford:** I’m here, I think :P_

“That’s him,” Luke said, reaching for the door. “I’ll see you later!”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Jack said. Luke opened up the door and stepped outside. 

“There’s probably a lot you wouldn’t do!” Luke called. 

“Is that a gay joke?” Jack asked, standing in the door way. Michael’s car was sitting in front of their house, and Luke hoped he couldn’t hear anything through the windows. 

“Maybe,” Luke laughed. “See ya!” 

 

***

 

_**June 3rd, 2014** _

Michael pulled up outside of Luke’s house, thankful when he saw Luke’s blond head pop out of the door. His stomach had been doing summersaults the entire drive. He was both excited to see Luke again, and worried that he’d somehow punched the address into the GPS wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. He wasn’t used to driving on his own. Usually there was someone else doing the driving and navigating. 

He turned the radio down when he saw Luke walking towards the car. Michael double checked that the doors were unlocked, and then reached across the passenger seat to open to the door for Luke. 

“Hey,” Michael said, pulling back so Luke could get in. 

“Hi,” Luke said, sliding into the car and closing the door. Michael watched to make sure he buckled his seatbelt before pulling away from the curb. Luke waved goodbye to his brother, and then turned to face Michael. 

“How are you?” Michael asked, briefly glancing at Luke before turning his attention back to the road. 

“I’m good,” Luke chuckled. “It hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since we last saw each other.” 

“I know,” Michael laughed, “but I just want to make sure. I wasn’t pulling you away from anything important today, right?” 

“No, completely free,” Luke assured him. “Jack has to work today anyways. I would have been cooped up alone.” 

“Well I’m glad I got to see you then,” Michael giggled. He put on his signal light and made a left turn. 

“I’m glad you messaged. I don’t get out very much,” Luke said. 

“If I lived here still we’d go out,” Michael said, pausing for a moment before correcting himself. “I mean hang out.” 

“I knew what you meant,” Luke laughed. 

Michael couldn’t help but smile. He was so happy to be able to hear Luke’s laugh again. The sound had been stuck in his head all night. Every time he closed his eyes to try and sleep, Luke’s face would pop into his imagination. His eyes would be crinkled at the sides and his nose would scrunch up as he tipped his head back and laughed. Listening to Luke laugh made his chest heat up, a cozy warmth spreading throughout his body and providing the illusion that everything would be okay. 

“Do you want to listen to the radio?” Michael asked, already reaching to turn the dial back up. 

“Sure,” Luke said. 

Michael turned the volume up, the familiar sound of a Katy Perry song pouring through the speakers. They only caught the end of the song, and one of the radio station’s DJ’s started to introduce the next song. 

_“All right every one, that was Katy Perry with Teenage Dream. I know she definitely makes me feel like I’m living a teenage dream. Up next we have Michael Clifford with his hit song, Wrapped Around Your Finger!”_

Michael felt his face heat up as he heard Luke chuckled beside him. “Do you make a habit of listening to your own songs?” Luke asked, beaming at Michael. 

“Not exactly,” Michael said, reaching to change the station. Luke lifted his arm and batted Michael’s hand away.

“Don’t,” Luke said, “it’s a good song.” 

Michael blushed again, pulling his hand back and placing it on the wheel. He liked this song a lot, but it was strange to listen to his own voice on the radio while Luke was sitting beside him. He supposed it was no different than Luke going to his concert, but it was still weird. Of course, he knew Luke enjoyed his music; it was how they became friends in the first place, but he didn’t want Luke to feel obligated to listen to it just because Michael was sitting right next to him. 

Luke on the other hand, seemed to be enjoying himself. He looked out of the window and watched the other cars rush by, humming softly to himself. From what Michael could tell, Luke had a nice voice. He hoped that one day he would be able to hear more of it. 

“Who did you write this about?” Luke asked, not turning away from the window. 

“This guy I had a crush on when I was like, fifteen. He was actually the first guy I ever had a crush on. Well, the first guy I _realized_ I had a crush on,” Michael said. 

“Did you ever date him?” Luke asked, eyes looking soft as he finally turned to look at Michael. 

“No,” Michael said. “He was straight. At least, that’s what he told me when I told him I liked him.”

“You told him?” Luke asked, eyes widening in surprise. 

“Yeah, pretty stupid of me,” Michael chuckled. “He wasn’t who I thought he was. He told me he didn’t have a problem with me being gay, but after that we sort of drifted. I think I scared him off. It sucked, 'cause I thought he liked me, but I’m probably better off.” 

“Probably,” Luke agreed. “Still, it was cool of you to tell him. I don’t think I could ever be that brave.” 

“Did you ever tell someone you liked them?” Michael asked, shifting his eyes from the road to Luke’s face. Luke shook his head, but smiled. 

“No,” Luke said, “I’ve never really liked anyone. I thought I had a crush on this girl once, but I think it was just because she liked me. I think I tried to like her because I didn’t want to face the fact that I wasn’t into girls.” 

“I’ve been there,” Michael said. “I wasn’t always cool with it. I used to be a dick about it when I was younger, so when I realized that I was gay it was like a huge slap in the face. It took me a little while to really accept myself.”

“You seem to be doing better with that now,” Luke pointed out. 

“I am,” Michael said with a smile. “I’m a lot happier now, too.” 

“I’m glad,” Luke said, returning Michael’s smile. “You know, if it wasn’t for your coming out video I think I would still be in the closet.”

“Really?” Michael asked. Luke had mentioned how Michael had inspired him to accept himself in one of his letters, but he had always assumed that it was just an exaggeration. 

“Really,” Luke said. “I ignored that part of myself for so long, wishing that it would go away if I didn’t think about it. Then you posted your video and it really helped me get the conversation going with myself. I even came out to my family.” 

Michael felt his heart swell. He loved being able to help people, especially when it came to things he had struggled with himself. It was a reward in itself knowing that his struggles had paid off, not just for him, but for others too. To have Luke be one of those people felt like an honour. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Michael said honestly. 

“Thanks,” Luke giggled. 

“Were they cool about it?” Michael asked. “Your family?” 

Luke paused and bit his lip. He appeared to be deep in thought, and he began to play with his fingers in his lap. Michael frowned, but then remembered that Luke didn’t like to talk about his family. He felt a small burst of fear strike his insides, and he quickly tried to recover from his slip. 

“You don’t have to answer that,” Michael said. “I forgot, I’m sorry.” 

“No, no,” Luke said suddenly, rushing to make sure Michael knew it was okay. “I brought it up first, I just didn’t even realize. They accepted me, yeah. They were really great about it.” 

“That’s good,” Michael said, ready to drop the subject. “We’re almost there. I was thinking we could park at the movie theatre and then just walk from there. The strip mall is nearby, and there’s a few restaurants in the same stretch if we get hungry.” 

“Sounds good,” Luke said. “Isn’t that psychic shop around here?” 

“Oh my god, it is,” Michael laughed. “When I was living here people were always talking about it, but I never ended up going.” 

“My brothers took me when I was really young,” Luke said. “I think they were trying to scare me, but all I remember are the tapestries and stuff. Oh, and it smelled really good.” 

“We should go,” Michael said, spotting the movie theatre on his left and pulling into the parking lot. 

“Okay,” Luke said excitedly. 

Michael found a parking stall and parked the car, turning off the ignition and unbuckling his seat belt. Luke followed suit, hopping out of the car and walking around to meet Michael. They started walking in the direction of the strip mall. An easy silence fell over them, and Michael was glad that even when they weren’t speaking, he felt comfortable with Luke. 

The two of them crossed the street, making their way to the shops lining the road. There were multiple clothing and shoe stores, along with a children’s toy store, a bookstore, a movie rental place, and the psychic shop. 

“Where to first?” Luke asked. 

“The toy store, obviously,” Michael said, grabbing Luke’s hand and running off in the direction of the store. Luke laughed, letting himself be pulled by Michael until they reached the entrance of the building. 

“I came here when I was a kid,” Luke said. “I always wanted to buy everything, and I’d walk in with a bag of quarters hoping that I had enough. I never did.” 

“Everything?” Michael asked, using his back to open up the door. A bell rang as the two of them went inside. 

“Yes, everything,” Luke giggled. “It’s like a little kid’s paradise! Can you really blame me?” 

“I can, but I won’t,” Michael teased. 

The toy store was small, but stacked wall to wall with toys. They had everything from train sets to Barbie dolls, from stuffed animals to puzzles. Each shelf was filled to capacity, and Michael was reminded of what it felt like to be six years old. 

“Oh my god,” Michael said, running over to a large table set up in the middle of the store with a train set built on it. The track was large, circling the table, while a small battery powered train made it’s away through the small plastic trees. “I used to love this as a kid.” 

“Really?” Luke asked. “I see you more as an action figure kind of guy.” 

“Barbies, actually,” Michael joked. 

“That makes sense,” Luke teased. 

“What about you?” Michael asked, turning away from the train table. “What toys did you like?’ 

“Honestly? I was more of a stuffed animals kind of person. They used to have this huge stuffed penguin when I was little, and I wanted that thing so badly.” 

“Why didn’t you get it?” Michael asked, guiding Luke towards the stuffed animal section. 

“It was like, eighty dollars! I wasn’t paying that for a stuffed animal,” Luke said. 

“I wonder if they still have it,” Michael said, letting his eyes roam the shelves of stuffed animals. There were a lot of bears, dogs, and cats. He spotted a giraffe, and he picked it up to show Luke. 

“Look, his legs kind of look like yours,” Michael teased. Luke scoffed and swatted the giraffe away. He picked up a stuffed baboon and held it up to Michael. 

“Yeah? Well this one looks like you?” Luke said, shaking the monkey in Michael’s face. 

“Hey, he’s cute. I’ll take that as a compliment,” Michael said, grabbing the baboon from Luke and giving it a hug. 

“You’re like, five,” Luke giggled. Michael shrugged and sat the monkey back down on the shelf. He kept his eyes peeled for a penguin, moving behind Luke to see more of the shelves. 

“I wish I was five,” Michael said. “Being five sounds like a good time to me.” 

“That’s true,” Luke agreed. Just then, Michael saw a small stuffed penguin sitting next to a polar bear. 

“Hey,” Michael said, picking up the penguin. “It probably isn’t the one you wanted as a kid, but it’s still pretty cute.” 

The penguin was about half the size of Michael’s forearm, and extremely fluffy. He wasn’t sure if it was all of the fluff, or if the penguin was just chubby, but it made it the stuffed animal look adorable. 

“Oh my god, it’s so cute,” Luke said, pouting like a little kid and taking the penguin from Michael. He held it against his chest and pushed his face into the top of the penguin’s head. “It’s so soft!” 

Michael’s heart started fluttering, and he pulled out his phone to discreetly snap a picture of Luke while he wasn’t looking. He slipped it back in his pocket just before Luke looked up. 

“Did you just take a picture of me?” Luke asked.

“Maybe,” Michael said, willing his face to refrain from blushing. Luke reached out to hit his arm, still keeping the stuffed penguin close to him. 

“Dick, at least let me pose,” Luke said, feigning anger. 

“Okay,” Michael said, pulling his phone back out. “Say cheese!” 

Luke threw his head back and laughed, and Michael snapped a picture. Now he had a real image of Luke laughing, and he was glad he would never be able to forget what it looked like. Luke pulled a silly face and held the penguin up near his head. Michael laughed and took a few more pictures before putting his phone away. 

Luke placed the penguin back on the shelf and the two of them finished looking around the store. They put on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle masks and took a selfie, laughing at how only one of Michael’ eyes could be seen. 

“Do you want to head somewhere else?” Luke asked once they’d made their way around the store. 

“Sure, just once second,” Michael said, leaving Luke at the front of the store and running back to the stuffed animal section. He grabbed the penguin Luke had been holding and went to the counter. 

“What are you doing?” Luke asked, walking up beside Michael. 

“Nothing,” Michael said, pulling out his wallet and paying the boy behind the cash register. Michael thanked him, taking the stuffed animal and dragging Luke out of the store before he could protest. Once they were outside, Michael handed the toy to Luke.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Luke said, taking the penguin and looking down at his feet. 

“I wanted to,” Michael said. “You looked so cute with it.” 

“Shut up,” Luke said, looking up at Michael with a shy smile. “Are you sure you don’t want it?” 

“I’m sure,” Michael said, placing his hand on the small of Luke’s back and guiding him towards one of the shoe stores. 

“Thank you,” Luke said, letting Michael lead him to the next store and clutching the penguin tightly. 

They spent the next few hours wandering the strip mall, checking out the shops and getting to know each other. Michael soon realized Luke was one of those people that just felt familiar. Even though they’d only just met, it seemed as though Michael had known him for years. Their sense of humour was similar, and they spent most of the day laughing and having fun. 

It had been so long since Michael had felt this happy. Everything about Luke was so bright, and every bad feeling Michael had ever felt seemed to disappear. He’d come to the conclusion that when Luke was smiling, it was impossible to feel anything but joy. 

A part of him wished he’d met Luke when he was growing up. He had a feeling they would have been good friends, and Calum would have probably liked him too. He was a little surprised they never crossed paths. Luke didn’t live very far away from his parent’s house. For all he knew, they could’ve bumped into each other at one point, not thinking anything of it because they didn’t know each other yet. Neither of them had any idea what the future had planned for them. 

Michael was grateful that even though he’d missed out on knowing Luke when he was younger, he’d been given the chance to know him now. He was thankful that Luke had written him letters, and he was glad that he’d let Calum and Ashton talk him into replying. He didn’t want to think about what his life would be like if he had continued to be too afraid to write Luke back.

Although their friendship was still fresh, a life without Luke seemed out of the question. Michael didn’t want to return to the life he was living a few months ago; not when Luke made him this happy. It felt so good to have a friend away from all of the madness.

“Do you want to go to the psychic shop now?” Luke asked. They’d been to nearly every other store in the strip mall, as if they were subconsciously saving the best for last. 

“Yeah!” Michael said, turning to walk in the direction of the psychic shop. He could see it across the street, a large neon sign in the shape on an eye flashing in the window. They quickly crossed the street and walked up to the front door. 

“I can smell the incense from here,” Luke said, grabbing the handle of the door and pushing it open. 

As soon as they stepped inside, Michael was hit with the scent of burning jasmine and lemongrass. The floors were wooden, creaking under the weight of every step they took inside. Rows of incense and incense holders lined the wall. A glass counter filled with different gemstones was set up on the wall across from the incense, and Luke immediately walked over to it. He crouched down, studying the different stones along the glass shelves. 

“They’re so beautiful,” Luke said, looking up at Michael. “This one is the same colour as your eyes.” He pointed to a green stone, and Michael crouched down beside him to get a closer look. 

“That’s way prettier than my eyes,” Michael said, admiring the stone. 

“Not a chance,” Luke said, turning to smile at him. Michael blushed and shook his head, standing back up and wiping his palms on his jeans. 

“Can I help you, gentlemen?” a voice asked. 

Michael followed the voice to find a small old woman appearing from the back of the shop. Luke stood up, falling in place beside Michael.  The woman had dark grey hair tied at the back of her hair in a loose bun. She wore a dark red dress that looked black until the light caught it the right way, and a black, knit shawl. 

“We’re just looking,” Michael said, smiling at the woman. 

“Would you like your palms read?” the woman asked, shifting her gaze from Michael to Luke. 

“Uh,” Michael started, looking at Luke for guidance. 

“Sure,” Luke said, taking a step forward. 

“Follow me,” the woman said. She turned around and started to head towards the back of the shop. Luke followed closely behind, and Michael trailed after them. 

The back of the shop looked like something out of a traveling circus. It reminded Michael of a Gypsy tent, something he’d seen in a movie once. A patterned carpet covered the hardwood floor, and a small, wooden table was placed in the centre. Assorted tapestries provided shelter for the small area, and two chairs were place on opposite sides of the table. A small lantern sat in the middle of the table, and the light flickered enough to cast shadows around the room. 

“Have a seat,” the woman said, offering a chair to Luke. Michael pulled the chair away from the table so Luke could sit down. Luke smiled at Michael as he sat down, excitement flashing in his eyes as he sat down. “Have you ever had your palms read before?” 

“No,” Luke said, laying his hands on the table. “It doesn’t hurt, right?”

“No,” the woman chuckled, and then looked up at Michael. “I’m sorry I don’t have another chair.” 

“It’s okay,” Michael said. The woman nodded, turning her attention back to Luke. She picked up his hands and placed them palm up on the table. 

“Let’s begin,” she said. She began running her fingers along the lines of Luke’s hands. “There are many different lines along the palm, and many different possibilities, but I will tell you what the three major lines mean. There is the life line, the heart line, and the head line. Let’s start with life line. The life line tells of your encounters in life, from relationships and health, to physical and emotional well-being. It seems you have a chained line, which means you may be subject to physical or emotional problems. However, you may also experience a life path that takes you in many different directions.” 

“You can tell all that from a palm?” Michael asked, looking over Luke’s head to watch what the woman was doing. 

“Yes dear,” she said, “if you understand what the lines mean and believe in the craft, you can certainly tell all of that from a palm.”

“What does the head line mean?” Luke asked, studying his palms. 

“The head line reveals your mental and psychological makeup,” the woman explained. “Your head line is broken, which indicates nervousness, constant thinking, and even mental exhaustion.” 

“That seems fitting for me,” Luke said softly. “What’s next?” 

“Your heart line. The heart line signifies your relationships with others, both physically and emotionally. It can also predict your heart’s health,” the woman explained, pointing to one of the lines on Luke’s palm.

“It’s all slanted,” Luke said, looking at the line. 

“We call that a curved line,” the woman said. “A curved line shows a very sensitive, emotional, and intuitive individual. It can always indicate a person who expresses emotions easily.” 

 “Wow,” Luke said, looking at his hands. “That’s pretty cool.” 

“Palm reading is immensely interesting to learn about,” the woman said, smiling at Luke. She glanced up at Michael. “Would you like yours read?”  

“I’m okay,” Michael said, shaking his head slightly. “I’m not sure I believe in all of this, no offense.” 

“None taken,” the woman replied. “It’s not for everyone. Can I offer you any other services?” 

“Do you tell fortunes?” Luke asked. 

“I can give you a cold reading, meaning I base my predictions off of visual and aural clues.” 

“Michael, come on,” Luke said, turning his body to look at Michael. “You should try it.” 

“I don’t know,” Michael said, hesitating. 

“Your life is built from chance,” the woman said. “It is unlike you to be so wary in your ways.” 

“What?” Michael asked, looking at the woman. She stood up from the table and slowly walked over to Michael. 

“You take chances,” the woman said. “You dive into things without hesitation. You give yourself over completely to the things you desire, and your selflessness is recognized by the world around you. Despite your kindness, your heart is guarded. It’s time to step out of the walls you’ve built. Someone is waiting for you, and you will let them in. It will pay off to let your heart long for them. Distance will help you grow stronger, as long as you let it. Fear will only hold you back. You have a golden aura, which means something beautiful is happening for you. I sense it in both of you.” 

Michael was stunned. He took a step back, wanting to distance himself from the woman. The way she spoke was eerie, but Michael was absorbed by her words. It was unsettling to hear a stranger speak of him as if she knew the future. He wondered if she actually did. 

“A golden aura?” Luke asked, getting up from the table. 

“Yes, yes,” the woman said smiling. “You are being guided by your highest good. It is divine guidance. Those with the golden aura are blessed, protected by the purest of spirits. I sense something beautiful is happening.” 

“Thank you so much for your time,” Luke said, shaking the woman’s hand. She gripped his hand and smiled at him. 

“They’re watching over you,” the woman said softly. She was speaking only to Luke, but Michael could hear every word.  “They’re protecting you. They’re proud.” 

Michael saw Luke’s face pale as he dropped the woman’s hand. Michael immediately grabbed it, running his thumb along the back of Luke’s hand in the hopes of comforting him. Luke’s eyes had a shine in them that wasn’t there before, and it looked as though he was about to cry. 

“Thank you,” Michael said, using his free hand to pull out his wallet. He did his best to pull out a wad of cash with one hand, passing it to the woman in return for her services. Once he pocketed his wallet, he quickly pulled Luke out of the shop. The fresh air hit them, and Michael stopped to look at Luke. 

“Are you okay?” Michael asked, squeezing Luke’s hand gently. Luke looked up at him, tears brimming his eyes. He smiled and nodded, taking a deep breath. 

“Yeah,” Luke said. He brought the stuffed penguin up to his chest, and Michael was struck by how young Luke suddenly appeared. The sight was enough to pull on Michael’s heart strings, and before he knew what he was doing, he was pulling Luke into a hug. 

Luke wrapped his arms around Michael, and Michael buried his face in Luke’s neck. They stood like that for a few moments before Luke pulled away. 

“I had a really great time with you today,” Luke said. He brought his hand up and pushed the hair away from Michael’s face. “I haven’t felt like this in a long time.” 

Michael wasn’t sure what to say, so instead of saying anything, he pulled Luke back into another embrace. He could feel Luke smiling into his neck. He held Luke tightly, hoping to convey exactly how he felt through their hug. 

The truth was, Michael hadn’t felt this way in a long time, either. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so happy, or the last time he cared about someone the way he cared about Luke. It was absurd, seeing as they’d only just met, and had only been talking for a month. The timing didn’t seem to matter. Michael cared so deeply for Luke, and the thought of having to leave him to go back on tour made his heart ache. 

“I haven’t either,” Michael said finally, whispering the words against Luke’s neck. “I want to see you again before I have to leave.” 

“I’d like that,” Luke said, pulling away to look at Michael. “Thank you for today, and the penguin, and everything. I really don’t know what I did to deserve you.” 

Michael smiled, picking up Luke’s hand and leading him back to where his car was parked. It was getting dark out, the sun slipping beneath the horizon and casting a soft glow on the world around them. Even the empty strip mall looked beautiful. 

“Didn’t you hear the psychic?” Michael asked, turning to look at Luke. “We’re golden.” 

 


	7. here comes the sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” - Maya Angelou
> 
> I'm so sorry this took me forever. Please don't expect regular updates anymore. I'm on new meds that will hopefully help me with my lack of motivation, but it's too soon to tell. Don't give up on me, though!
> 
> WARNING: This chapter has a panic attack in it, and while it isn't overly graphic, please be cautious if that sort of thing unsettles you.

**_ June 3rd, 2014 _ **

When Luke arrived home that night all of the lights in the house were off. He assumed Jack was still at work, so he flicked the kitchen lights on so he could make himself something for dinner. Once the house came to life, he noticed a piece of paper and a twenty-dollar bill lying on the counter. Luke walked over and picked it up, running his fingers along the edge of paper and unfolding it carefully.

 _If_ _you_ _’re reading this,_ _I’m at work. I’ll probably be out late, so you’ll have to get dinner for yourself. I left some money in case you want to order a pizza or something. If you do, save me a slice?_

_Hope you had fun with your golden boy ;)_

_\- Jack_

Luke rolled his eyes and tossed the note back onto the counter. Of course Jack would assume there was more going on with Michael than their really was. Luke knew that they were just friends.

Then again, Luke was starting to feel as if maybe there _was_ more going on. Today had been one of the best days of his life, and it was all because of Michael. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt the same rush he did as when he was holding Michael’s hand and running from shop to shop. It had been so long since Luke had gone out with someone other than Jack, and even though he always had fun with his brother, there was something about Michael that was just plain _exhilarating._

Luke sat the stuffed penguin Michael had bought for him on the counter and pulled out his phone. He dialled the closest pizza place and ordered himself a large pepperoni pizza and bottle of Coke. After the call, he grabbed the penguin and headed to the living room to wait for his food.

He flopped down on the couch, cuddling the penguin to his chest. Luke ran his fingers through the penguin’s fur absentmindedly, thinking back to the events from early that day. A small part of him missed Michael, even though he’d just spent the entire day with him. It was worrisome how quickly he was getting attached. He just hoped that Michael felt the same way about spending time with him.

Luke sighed and grabbed the remote, turning on the television and flipping through the channels. He settled on the cartoon network in the hopes that the bright colours and cheesy animations would get his mind off of Michael. The last thing he wanted to do was overthink things.

Despite his best efforts, Luke couldn’t turn his brain off. When he wasn’t thinking about Michael, he was reminded of the psychic. He couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said before Michael pulled him out of the shop. The palm reading was so far from his mind that he could barely remember a word she had said to him. All that he remembered was ‘ _they’re watching over you’, ‘they’re protecting you,’_ and _‘they’re proud.’._

He was grateful that Michael had gotten him out of there. Another word from the psychic would have had him in tears, and the last thing Luke wanted to do was start crying in front of Michael.

How had the psychic even known about his family? Was that even who she was referring to? Luke didn’t know who else she could have been talking about.

The only explanation was that she really _was_ psychic, and although Luke liked the idea of psychics, mediums, and divination, it was still incredibly difficult to actually believe in. Sure, the palm reading had spiked his interest and some of things that the woman had said applied to him, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything. It was all just fun and games.

Luke couldn’t help but wonder if what she had said was true. Was his family really looking out for him? Were they proud of him?

There had been countless times since the accident where Luke had wondered if somewhere, somehow, his family was still with him. Sometimes that was the only thing that got him through the day - imagining that they were. He hoped that the psychic had been telling the truth, and that they were proud of him. The thought of disappointing them broke his heart.

He still hadn’t told Michael about what happened to his family. It wasn’t the sort of thing he felt comfortable writing about in a letter, and he didn’t want to scare Michael off by getting too emotional so soon in their friendship. Michael knew enough not to ask him questions, and that was as much sympathy as Luke could handle right now. Maybe one day he’d be able to open up about the accident, but that day wasn’t any time soon.

Luke did his best to stop thinking about the accident. He focused on the TV, trying to figure out what show was on and why it wasn’t very good. Eventually he gave up, flipping to the movie channel just in time to catch the last half hour of The Goonies.

Fifteen minutes in, the doorbell rang. Luke hopped up from the couch, grabbing the money Jack left for him on his way to the door. He paid for his pizza, thanking the delivery boy before shutting the door. Luke took the pizza into the kitchen and put three slices on a plate, leaving the box on the counter for when Jack got home. He poured himself a glass of Coke and headed back into the living room. Just as he took a bite, he felt his phone vibrate.

Luke sat the slice of pizza back on the plate and wiped his hands on his jeans. He pulled out his phone, seeing that he had a new DM from Michael. Luke smiled, unlocking his phone and opening up the app.

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _New Picture Message!_

Luke opened up the attachment, laughing when he saw it was a picture of the two of them wearing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles masks. Before he could type out a reply, two more pictures came through. The first one was Luke with the stuffed penguin, sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes. The second was still Luke, but this time he head was thrown back, mouth open, laughing. Luke smiled, saving all three of the pictures before replying to Michael.

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _oh my god, when did you take that last one?_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _right after I took this one_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _New Picture Message!_

Another image came through, this one of Luke pressing his face into the top of the penguins head. Luke saved it, shaking his head before looking on the couch beside him where the penguin was laying. Luke picked it up, holding it to his face and clicking the picture icon on his phone. His camera opened up and Luke puckered his lips, kissing the side of the penguin’s head and snapping a picture. He bit his lip, hitting send.

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _best. purchase. ever._

Before Luke could respond, another picture popped up. It was Michael, only his lips were right up against the camera as if he was kissing the screen.

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I wanna give Pengy a kiss too_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _he appreciates it :*_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _do you want one too?_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m not that kind of girl_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _what if I take you out first?_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _maybe, we’ll talk ;-P_

Luke giggled, taking another bite of his pizza. He loved how easy it was to joke around with Michael. Everything about him made Luke happy, and the ache in his cheeks from smiling so much felt good. He sat his slice of pizza back down and pulled his legs up, wrapping his arms around them and resting his head on his knees.

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _lol I had a really great time with you today_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I did too :-)_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I’m really glad we’re friends Luke_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I know it hasn’t been that long, but I feel really close to you. is that weird?_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _it isn’t weird. I feel the same way. I was a bit worried that it was just all in my head lol_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _it isn’t! I feel like I’ve known you for a lot longer than a month. makes me wish I’d have sent you a letter sooner._

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _it’s okay. we got our chance :-)_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _that we did :)_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _are you busy this week? I’d love to hangout with you again before I have to leave_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _well I have school during the day, but we have wednesday off_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I told Calum I would have dinner with his family on Wednesday, but if you want you could sleep over on Tuesday? I could have a car pick you up from school or something?_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _really? that would be cool. I’d have to make sure it’s okay with Jack, but I would love to._

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _great! I hope you can :) I feel like I’m 14 again lol_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I hope I can too :-) did you have a lot of sleepovers when you were 14?_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _mostly just with Calum. I probably spent more time at his house than my own._

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I wish I had a friend like that_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _you do now :)_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _well, sort of. I know I have to be away a lot but I’m always with you in spirit :)_

 **_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _that’s more than anything I’ve had, so thank you :-)_

 **_Michael Clifford:_ ** _< 3 <3 <3 _

After finishing his dinner and spending another hour talking to Michael, Luke turned off the TV and headed to bed. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve Michael, but he couldn’t help but wonder if this is what the psychic had meant when she said someone was watching over him. Perhaps this was what he got in return for the universe stealing his family away - a blessing in disguise. It wasn’t exactly a fair trade off. Luke would give up anything to be able to have his family back - Michael included - but if this was the apology the world was giving him, he would take it.

Luke fell asleep that night rather quickly. His dreams were bittersweet; images of his family sitting around the table, sharing a meal one last time were taking over his mind. Sitting beside him with a hand on his thigh was Michael, telling jokes that made his father laugh and bonding over video games with his brothers. Luke smiled, catching his mother’s eye just as she mouthed ‘ _I like him.’_

It was a nice life to live, even if only in his dreams. Everyone was happy, and everyone was alive.

When Luke woke up the sky was still dark. The sun was only just beginning to break through the trees, licking the horizon with its golden tongue and fading into a dark blue. The world seemed quiet, and without the comfort of his dreams, Luke felt alone.

He rolled over, squinting his eyes to see the time on his alarm clock through the sleep clouding his vision. There were two hours left before he had to be at school, but the thought of getting out of bed made Luke groan. He entertained the idea of asking Jack to call him in sick, but he didn’t want to wake him up just to lie to him. Jack had been out late working to provide for Luke. That thought alone was enough to guilt trip him into climbing out of bed.

Luke shuffled to the bathroom, dragging his feet as he went. He turned the shower to the hottest setting, letting the steam fill up the room to coax him awake. Once he was satisfied with the heat, Luke stepped in. He turned the settings back down, not wanting to burn his skin.

He took his time in the shower, lazily scrubbing his body. The water felt nice on his skin. It almost made up for the loneliness he felt after waking up from his dream.

His thoughts drifted back to Michael. All he had to do was get through the next two days and Luke would be able to see him again. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to focus on school when the thought of sleeping over at Michael’s house lingered in his mind.

Luke had never had a sleepover before. The closest he’d come to having a sleepover was when him and his brothers would make a fort in the living room. When they were younger they would gather up all of the cushions and blankets in the house. They’d stack them around the furniture in the living room, hanging the blankets over the couches and the TV until they had a secret little hideaway. Once the fort was set up, they’d get their sleeping bags and lay them out inside of the fort. They would spend the entire weekend hiding out, watching old Disney movies and playing video games.

Those were some of the best days of Luke’s life. He missed being able to crawl underneath the blankets and find refuge with his brothers. He missed spending hours watching old movies and eating cookies, even though Ben and Jack never let him pick the movie, and they always stole his share of snacks. Luke never cared; he liked feeling as though he belonged.

It was probably childish of him to be excited about a sleepover. He was seventeen, and seventeen-year-olds didn’t get excited about sleepovers. Luke knew it was stupid, but he couldn’t help it. For the first time in a long time, it felt like he was a regular teenager; even if his closest friend was a rock star.

Luke’s mind stayed fixed on Michael for the rest of the morning. He caught the bus to school, slipping into one of the seats and pushing his headphones into his ears. He smiled fondly as he clicked Michael’s name on his iPod, shaking his head slightly at how different his life had become, even after a few short weeks. Michael wasn’t just a name on his iPod anymore - he was a friend.

When Luke arrived at school he thanked the bus driver for the ride and hurried to his first class, stopping only to grab his books from his locker. He kept his head down, knowing that the less attention he gave to his fellow classmates, the more likely they were to leave him alone.

Of course, despite the one-eighty turn his life had made, he was never safe at school. There was always someone who was having a bad day or was in the mood to pick a fight, and Luke had always been the go-to punching bag. He didn’t mean to be an easy target, but even Luke knew that he was.

“Watch where you’re going, faggot,” a boy said, bumping into Luke’s shoulder as he rounded the corner near his first class. Luke had never seen him before, but familiarity wasn’t required when it came to picking on someone; at least not at his school.

“Why don’t you?” Luke grumbled, rolling his eyes and taking a deep breath. It was too early to be letting anyone get to him, but he couldn’t help the way the slur made his skin crawl.

“What was that?” the boy said, turning around and grabbing Luke’s arm.

“I said ‘why don’t you’,” Luke said, yanking his arm back. He adjusted the strap of his backpack, slinging it higher on his shoulder and puffing out his chest. It wasn’t like him to talk back. Usually when someone picked on Luke, he kept his mouth shut and went on with his day. He wasn’t quite sure where his newfound confidence had come from, but he knew that he was tired of letting people push him around – especially people he didn’t even know.

“I don’t remember asking for your opinion,” the boy sneered. His large nose wrinkled up and his eyes squinted in disgust.

“I don’t remember caring,” Luke retorted, taking a step closer to the boy. Luke straightened out his back, noticing that he was a few inches taller than his tormentor and eager to use it to his advantage.

“You’re disgusting,” the boy spit, tilting his chin up to stare at Luke.

“And yet I’m still better than you,” Luke found himself saying. He was surprised the words had come out of his mouth, but he willed his expression to remain neutral.

Something inside of him felt different. For months he had let everyone walk all over him, letting their insults and occasional punches affect the way he acted. Luke was tired, though. He was so fucking tired of being a doormat, and even though he hated confrontation, he hated being the whipping boy even more. Enough was enough.

Luke turned away from the boy in front of him, ignoring the shocked expression on the kid’s face. He went to class with a bounce in his step that had never been there before. Energy was surging through him, waking up the parts of him that had been dormant for so long.

It was in that moment that Luke realized he didn’t have to be a slave to his classmates. He didn’t have to let what they said about him define him. He didn’t have to finish the rest of the year listening to insults and profanities. He didn’t have to care.

He’d already spoken to Jack and the administration about taking his final year of schooling online. He only had a few months left of actually being around his classmates, and he didn’t want to spend them being pushed around. Luke didn’t want to leave knowing that he’d let everyone around him win. He wanted to leave because he didn’t belong here, and because he was worth more than the suffering he’d been allowing, and that the school had been allowing.

He didn’t need to be afraid.

Things in his life were changing, and they’d been changing for a while. The only difference now was that things seemed to be changing for the better. It was about time Luke did too.

 

***

 

**_ June 5th, 2014 _ **

Michael had been on edge for the past two days. As soon as he’d asked if Luke wanted to sleep over, his brain had gone into panic mode. It wasn’t that he’d changed his mind, or that didn’t really want Luke coming over. It was the fact that Luke would be sleeping in his house, possibly in his bed, while Michael was also in said bed, mere inches apart.

Ever since their little trip into town, Michael hadn’t been able to get Luke out of his head. All he could think about was blond hair, blue eyes, and an infectious laugh that had the power to cheer Michael up, even when Luke wasn’t around. It was like Luke was ghosting around him all of the time, sneaking into his thoughts and making his heart beat out of his chest.

Luke had been different from the start. Out of all of his fan mail, Luke’s letters stood out the most. Out of all the fans Michael had met, Luke was the only one he’d felt the urge to see again, and again, and again. Luke was also the only fan that didn’t feel like a ‘fan’. He just felt like _Luke -_ a beautiful boy that for some reason wanted to be Michael’s friend.

Michael couldn’t help but feel as though what he felt for Luke wasn’t just friendship. He didn’t get a lump in his throat at the thought of Calum sleeping over, but a ball of anxiety had been sitting in his esophagus since the moment Luke had agreed to come over. The thought of Luke’s body laying next to his was enough to making him dizzy. He felt drunk and he hadn’t even gone to the party.

Michael was sitting in his room, feet tucked underneath of him while he tapped keys haphazardly on his game controller. He’d hoped shooting imaginary people and blowing up fake buildings would be enough to take his mind off of the fact that Luke would be there any minute, but nothing seemed to be working.

He’d sent a driver to pick Luke up from school and let him stop at home to gather his things. Michael had wanted to pick Luke up himself, but it was too much of a risk to show up at Luke’s school without any bodyguards. Instead, he was stuck at home waiting for Luke to show up. His parents weren’t even home from work yet, so he didn’t have anyone to talk to as a distraction. Calling Calum was always a possibility, but Michael knew that he was probably out catching up with his own family. They didn’t end up in Sydney very often, but when they did, Calum was almost always spending every second he had with his parents or his sister. Michael didn’t want to impose, especially when he was going to be seeing them all tomorrow, anyway.

He sighed, hitting save on his game and powering the machine off. For the fifth time that day, Michael paced around his room – fluffing pillows and straightening blankets in a desperate attempt to make sure everything looked perfect. He was never overly neat, but he wanted to impress Luke. It helped that he hadn’t been home for very long, so there hadn’t been much time for the usual mess to start piling up. His room was spotless, but that didn’t stop Michael from going over every stray hair or piece of dirt that had somehow managed to escape the past four rounds of cleaning.

After spritzing the air with Febreze, Michael headed down the hall to wait for Luke in the living room. It was half past four, which meant that Luke would be there soon, so long as nothing had come up. He checked his phone, but there were no new message notifications from Twitter. He opened up the app anyway, scrolling through his feed and liking a few random tweets.

It was in the middle of watching his sixth baby animal video when he heard the doorbell ring. Michael hopped up, abandoning his phone on the couch and running towards the front door. He could hear the video still playing, the sound of puppies barking and making soft, squeaking noises filling up the room. He didn’t have time to be embarrassed.

Michael opened up the door to find Luke standing on his front step, backpack in hand and a shy smile on his face. He grinned, stepping out of the way and gesturing for Luke to step inside.

“Hey,” Michael said, closing the door behind Luke.

“Hey,” Luke said, slipping his shoes off and glancing around. “I like your house.”

“Thanks,” Michael said. “It’s my parents’.”

“I figured,” Luke giggled, “the little garden out front sort of gives it away.”

“Right,” Michael laughed. “My mom’s pride and joy.”

Michael guided Luke inside, hurrying over to the couch to grab his phone and turn the video off. He slid it into his pocket and turned around to face Luke.

“Where should I put this?” Luke asked, lifting his bag up a little.

“My room,” Michael said, taking the backpack from Luke. He headed towards the hallway leading to his bedroom. “This way.”

“My arms work, you know. I could’ve carried that,” Luke said, folding his arms protectively in front of his chest.  

“But I’m a gentleman,” Michael claimed, pushing the door to his room open and pulling Luke inside. “How was school?”

“School was school,” Luke said, watching as Michael sat the backpack down at the end of his bed.

“You sound like me,” Michael replied, climbing onto his bed. He settled down with his back resting against the headboard. Luke was still standing awkwardly in the doorway, so Michael patted the space beside him. “Come sit.”

Tentatively, Luke shuffled across the carpeted floor, taking his time on the short walk to Michael’s bed. He looked as nervous as Michael felt, and although he didn’t want Luke to be uncomfortable, it made him feel a little better to know that he wasn’t the only one fussing over a simple sleepover.

When Luke finally made it to the bed, he carefully climbed up to sit beside Michael. He kept a good six inches between them, enough space so that their bodies didn’t touch, but close enough to the edge of the bed that Michael worried he might fall off completely if he laughed too hard.

“You can make yourself comfortable,” Michael said, moving away from Luke slightly to indicate that it was alright for him to move closer. “I don’t want you to like, fall off or something.”

“Sorry,” Luke said, scooting closer to Michael. His face lit up in a deep shade of red, his embarrassment blossoming over his pale skin. “I’m kind of nervous, I guess. This is the first time I’ve slept over at someone’s house before. I’m not really used to being in anyone else’s room.”

“I haven’t had anyone besides Calum in my bed for the longest time,” Michael said. Luke raised his eyebrows, a glimmer of something Michael couldn’t quite recognize hiding in his eyes. It took Michael a minute, but soon his eyes were widening in realization, his hand flying up to hit himself on the forehead. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Of course not,” Luke teased. “I already knew you guys were close; I just didn’t realize _how_ close.”

“Shut up!” Michael laughed, leaning over to shove Luke playfully. “I just meant that I don’t really have anyone else over, so I’m out of my comfort zone too.”

“Right,” Luke said, knowing smile lighting up his face. Michael shook his head incredulously.

“You’re a pain,” Michael said. “I’m trying to make you feel better.”

“I feel fine, really,” Luke giggled. “I just needed a minute to warm up.”

“Oh, so you’re warm now?” Michael asked, turning his body so he was angled toward Luke.

“You tell me,” Luke said, biting his lip softly and looking at Michael through his eyelashes.

Michael sucked in a breath, trying to convince himself that Luke wasn’t flirting with him. It was bad enough that Michael was already somewhat gone for the boy. He didn’t need any help in that department.

It took all of his better judgment to turn away, hopping up from the bed and going over to his Xbox. He bent down, picking up two controllers and tossing one to Luke.

“Wanna play?”

They spent the next few hours playing video games, sometimes playing against each other, crawling over one another in a desperate attempt to distract them from the screen. Other times they played on the same team, helping each other out, complementing the other on their technique. Before they knew it the sun was going down, and Michael heard the front door open.

“Michael?” someone shouted, just as they heard the door close.

Michael paused the game and sat his controller down. He stretched his arms above his head, letting out a yawn as he felt his muscles tighten and then relax. Luke looked at him expectantly, controller slack in his hands.

“My parents are home,” Michael explained, slowly standing up. “Do you want to come say hi?”

“It’s okay for me to be here, right?” Luke asked, hesitantly following Michael’s lead.

“Of course. I ran it by them the night I asked you. They’d love to meet you.”

Michael held out his hand for Luke to take, helping him stand up the rest of the way. He led them out of the room, pulling Luke down the hallway until they reached the kitchen. Michael’s parents were sitting at the kitchen table. His dad’s briefcase was sitting on the floor next to one of the chairs, and his mom’s purse was lying on the table, half open, as if it had been tossed carelessly due to exhaustion.

“Hi Mom, Dad,” Michael said, gently pulling Luke into the kitchen. “How was work?”

“Long,” Michael’s dad said, leaning back in his chair. “I wish we could’ve taken more time off to be with you.”

“It’s okay,” Michael said. “I entertained myself.” He glanced over at Luke who was standing just behind him, awkwardly looking towards the floor.

“I’m glad,” Michael’s mom said. “And this must be Luke! It’s so nice to finally meet you.”

She stood up from her chair and walked over to where Michael and Luke were standing. Michael dropped Luke’s hand and gave his mom a quick hug. When they separated, she angled herself towards Luke and leaned in. She wrapped her arms around Luke and gave him hug, pulling away before Luke had even lifted his arms up.

“Hi, Mrs. Clifford,” Luke said softly, his voice wavering. He shuffled closer to Michael, wrapping his arms around his own torso. Michael recognized the gesture. Luke was trying to make himself seem smaller.

“Please, call me Karen,” she said.

“And you can call me Daryl,” Michael’s dad chimed in, standing up and walking closer so that he could pat Luke on the back. “Michael’s told us a lot about you.”

“It’s so nice to meet someone that makes our son so happy!” Karen said, giving Luke a smile.

“Mom,” Michael groaned, rolling his eyes in embarrassment.

“It’s nice to meet you too,” Luke said, voice cracking ever so slightly.

Michael heard it before he saw Luke’s face, but it didn’t matter. The little crack was enough to make alarms go off in his head. He looked up at Luke, seeing the way his skin had gone three shades paler than its usual colour. There was a shine to his eyes that wasn’t from laughter, or happiness. He seemed as though he was vibrating, and when Michael looked down, he saw that Luke’s hands were shaking.

“Michael told us how you used to write him letters,” Karen said. “It was so nice that you two got the chance to-”

“Mom,” Michael said, cutting her off. “I think I hear my phone ringing. It might be Adam, and if it is I need to take it.”

“Always working,” Daryl said. “Okay, you boys have fun!”

Michael pulled Luke out of the kitchen and back to his bedroom. Once they were inside, Michael shut the door while Luke went to sit down on the edge of the bed. He turned around, finding Luke with his hands placed firmly on his knees and his head bowed down. His breathing was ragged, and Michael felt a lump the size of the entire United States forming in his throat.

“Luke,” Michael said.

“I’m sorry,” Luke gasped, voice sounding wet and broken. He lifted his head slightly, and Michael could see tears leaking out of Luke’s eyes.

“Hey,” Michael said, crouching down in front of Luke. “Hey, look at me.”

He took one of Luke’s shaking hands and held on to it tightly, rubbing his thumb in circles along his skin. He used his other hand to reach up and wipe away at the tears that were slipping down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Luke said again, sniffling and blinking back tears. “I don’t know what happened. I just panicked.”

“It’s okay,” Michael said, squeezing Luke’s hand. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.”

“They’re so nice,” Luke choked. His eyes met Michael’s, and Michael swore he could hear his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces. “They’re so nice, and they probably hate me.”

“They don’t hate you,” Michael said. He got up from the floor and sat on the edge of the bed next to Luke, never letting go of his hand.

“When your mom hugged me…my mom used to be the same way when she met someone new. They just reminded me of…”

Michael squeezed his eyes shut tight, inwardly groaning at his own ignorance. He hadn’t realized meeting his parents might be overwhelming for Luke, especially since he knew his parents could be extremely touchy-feely.

“I’m so sorry, Luke,” Michael said, wrapping an arm around Luke. “I didn’t think…”

“No,” Luke said, “I didn’t mean to freak out. It just happened. Being here and meeting them…it was just a lot, and I panicked. I’m so sorry, this is so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Michael said, pulling Luke in closer. “Don’t ever apologize for something like this. It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Luke pulled away from Michael for a second, only to adjust his body and lean back in to hug Michael properly. Michael closed his eyes, using one of his hands to cradle the back of Luke’s head and the other to rub the length of Luke’s back.

“What can I do?” Michael asked, voice constricted by Luke’s shoulder. He felt Luke sigh against his neck before pulling away to look at him. Michael used his thumb to wipe away the rest of Luke’s tears, and then brushed his hair back from his face.

“I don’t know,” Luke said. “Probably nothing. I’m okay, I promise. I just need a minute to calm down.”

“Okay,” Michael said. “Tell you what, why don’t we put on a movie and just lay here for a bit, and later we can order a pizza and I can finish kicking your ass at FIFA. Does that sound okay?”

“That sounds perfect,” Luke said, chuckling softly and taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry about being such a baby.”

“What did I say about apologizing?” Michael said, getting up from the bed to grab the TV remote. “You’re human, Luke. These things happen. It doesn’t make you a baby. It makes you real.”

He sat back down on the bed, leaning against the headboard and ushering Luke to come lay beside him. Luke crawled over and settled in against Michael’s side.

“Actually, I think I know something that might help,” Luke said, looking up at Michael.

“Anything,” Michael said honestly. He hated seeing Luke hurt, and he was willing to do anything to make him feel better again.

“Could you maybe, like, hold me?” Luke asked, blushing as he finished. “When I’d get panic attacks after…after the accident, Jack would always cuddle with me until I calmed down. It helped.”

Michael shifted on the bed and swung an arm around Luke, pulling him until they were flush against each other. Luke carefully laid his arm across Michael’s chest, letting his face nuzzle into Michael’s shoulder.

“Is this okay?” Michael asked, keeping his voice soft. Luke nodded and hummed in agreement, shimmying into Michael’s side until he couldn’t get any closer. “What do you want to watch?”

“Anything,” Luke said. His fingers began to move lightly against Michael’s chest, drawing lazy patterns and words. “I can hear your heartbeat.”

“Sorry, I don’t really know how to turn it off,” Michael joked, hoping a little laughter would help cheer Luke up.

“I like it,” Luke whispered. “Reminds me I’m here. That I’m okay.”

Michael swallowed, trying to keep his breathing steady. He looked down at Luke and smiled, lifting his hand up to scratch Luke’s head.

“You are,” Michael whispered back. “I’m going to put on Tangled, okay? Movies like that always make me feel better when I’m sick.”

“Okay,” Luke said, breathy and soft. He continued tracing his fingers along Michael’s chest while Michael opened up Netflix and searched for the movie. Once he found it, he hit play and turned the volume down so that it wasn’t too loud.

“I should’ve turned the lights out,” Michael said, sitting the remote down on the bed beside him and resting his hand on his chest. The opening credits started and the music began to fill the room.

“Don’t move,” Luke said, letting his fingers brush against Michael’s. “I like it here.”

“I like you here,” Michael whispered, taking Luke’s hand.

He looked down at Luke once more, and it was in that moment that Michael realized just how important Luke really was. He looked soft, despite all of the things he’d had to go through. The slope of his nose and the curve of his lips from where they rested against Michael’s chest was already such a familiar sight, and Michael knew it wouldn’t be long until he’d have to wait months to be able to see Luke again. He was already missing him, and he hadn’t even left. It was like breaking a bone, and even though it healed, it always throbbed when it was going to rain. And with the way his chest was aching, Michael knew it wasn’t going to just rain. It was going to pour.


	8. i wanna sleep next to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There's nothing good about goodnight when it means goodbye.” - Jeff Thomas
> 
> This is a little shorter than usual, but I wanted to make up for not posting for a month by giving you guys another chapter as soon as I could. I wrote this all in one day so I'm sorry if there are any mistakes I didn't catch!

**_ June 8th, 2014 _ **

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _can I see you?_

Luke felt the message before he read it; the vibrations rattling the mattress enough to wake him from his slumber. He groaned, reaching blindly for his phone in the dark. He felt around for it until his fingers found what he was looking for, hitting the home button as soon as he picked it up from beside his pillow. The light from the screen assaulted his eyes, and he quickly blinked to help his vision adjust.

_3:04 AM_

He sat up, ignoring the rush of blood to his head that threatened to make him fall back down. Luke fumbled for the switch to his bedside lamp, flicking it on so he could concentrate at such an early hour. Why was Michael messaging him at a time like this?

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _I know you’re probably asleep, and I should have thought this through a few days ago, but I didn’t realize my flight was going to be so early, and I didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye_

_Oh,_ Luke thought. Michael was going back on tour today.

It had only been a few days since Luke had slept over at Michael’s house. After the incident, the two of them had cuddled until Luke was feeling better. When the movie ended, they ordered a pizza and played video games just as Michael has suggested. They played until their fingers hurt, talking about everything and nothing until they couldn’t keep their eyes open any longer.

They weren’t touching each other when they feel asleep. Luke was a little grateful for it, because he knew there was no way he’d have gotten any sleep if Michael’s arms had been around him. However, when Luke woke up, his back was pressed against Michael’s chest and Michael’s arm was draped lazily around his waist.

He wasn’t sure who woke up first. It could have been him, or it could’ve been Michael. All hew knew was that when he _did_ wake up, the last thing he wanted to do was move. Michael was warm against him, and Luke wasn’t sure how he’d been able to go his entire life without knowing what it was like to wake up in someone else’s arms.

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m awake, sort of. call me._

When they’d gotten out of bed, the two of them went to the kitchen to make breakfast together. Luke had suggested making extra for Michael’s parents – a small way of apologizing for being so distant when they’d first met. He knew it wasn’t something he could’ve prevented, but he felt guilty regardless. He didn’t want Michael’s parents thinking that he was rude, or strange. Michael assured him that they wouldn’t think that, but he didn’t want to take any chances.

He stayed at Michael’s for a few more hours, lounging around on Michael’s bed and talking about music, people, and the world. They scrolled through Twitter and watched six-second videos, laughing at the lengths people would go to become internet famous.

By the time Luke had to leave, he was in a permanent good mood. Michael drove him home, and they hugged in the car before Luke went inside. Even with his panic attack, his first overnight with Michael had been perfect.

They hadn’t been able to see each other since then. Luke had known Michael was leaving this weekend, but he didn’t know when. Apparently, neither had Michael, and now Luke was sitting up at three in the morning waiting for his phone to ring.

He groaned again, rubbing his eyes until they burned and little colourful shapes began floating around the room. He blinked, hating how groggy he felt.

Just as his eyes began to droop, his phone started vibrating again. Seeing that it was a phone call, he picked it up, hitting the ‘answer’ button and holding it to his ear.

“’ello?” Luke mumbled, keeping his voice down so that he wouldn’t wake up his brother.

“ _Hey,”_ Michael said, sounding as tired as Luke felt. “ _I’m sorry for bothering you so late.”_

“It’s okay,” Luke assured him. “When are you leaving?”

 _“Now,”_ Michael said. _“I didn’t want to leave without saying good-bye to you, though. I was scared I wouldn’t catch you. I’m outside of your house.”_

“You’re what?” Luke asked, hopping out of bed.

“ _I’m outside. We’re on our way to the airport, but I asked them to make a detour. Are you able to come outside for a minute? I don’t have long, and I really want to see you.”_

“Yeah, shit. Yeah,” Luke stumbled. “Just give me two seconds. I look like shit, please don’t say anything.”

_“I’ve seen what you look like in the morning. Trust me, you look better than me.”_

“Never,” Luke whispered, opening up his bedroom door and peeking down the hall. “I’m coming now, okay? I’m going to hang up so I don’t wake up Jack.”

“ _Okay, see you soon,”_ Michael said. The line went dead, so Luke slipped his phone into the pocket in his pajama pants and started to tip-toe down the hall. He held his breath passing his brother’s room, not wanting to wake him up and explain why he’s sneaking out in the middle of the night.

He made it to the front door without any problems. After sliding his shoes on, Luke slowly opened the door and stepped outside. He closed it as gently as he possibly could before turning around.

Michael was standing at the end of the sidewalk, leaning against the side of a Range Rover. It looked like the same one that picked him up from school the other day. He wondered if Michael’s friend Calum was in the car, too.

“Hey,” Michael said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and walking towards Luke.

“Hey yourself,” Luke said, meeting him halfway. They stopped in front of each other, neither of them saying anything for a few moments.

“I’m sorry about this,” Michael said softly. “I should have planned this out better.”

“It’s fine,” Luke said. “Do you usually travel in the dead of night?”

“The lines at the airport are usually shorter,” Michael chuckled. “Less likely to get held up by fans.”

“I’m a fan,” Luke said. “Am I not holding you up?”

“You’re barely up yourself,” Michael said, reaching out to touch Luke’s shoulder. “Did I wake you?”

“Sort of,” Luke admitted. “But I’m glad you did. At least I get to see you before you go to a different continent.”

“Yeah,” Michael said softly, dropping his gaze to his feet. “There’s never enough time.”

“I know that better than anyone,” Luke whispered. “But at least we get the chance to say goodbye.”

“I’ll come back,” Michael said, eyes returning to Luke’s face. “As soon as I get the chance, I’m coming back.”

“I know,” Luke said. He took a step closer, looking up at Michael and taking a deep breath. “It’s been nice, getting to hangout with you and stuff.”

“Yeah,” Michael agreed. “I wish it wasn’t so hard to say good-bye to you, though.”

“We’re still going to talk. We talked before this,” Luke said.

“I know, but still. I like seeing you, in person. I like being with you.”

Luke shook his head and smiled. He bit his lip, reaching out and taking Michael’s hand in his. “I’ll see you when you get back. You’ve got people to please. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll still be right here when you come home.”

“Good. No running off without me,” Michael laughed, squeezing Luke’s hand.

They looked at each other for a moment, enjoying the silence that the darkness brought. Luke kept hearing a line from one of Michael’s songs playing over and over again in his head. ‘ _In the moonlight you looked just like an angel in disguise.’_ Luke wondered how Michael was able to write a lyric like that about anyone other than himself, or if he looked at himself in the mirror when he wrote it down. It was hard to imagine something so beautiful applying to anyone other than Michael.

“Goodbye,” Luke said, letting go of Michael’s hand in favor of pulling him in for a hug. Michael’s arms tightened around him, holding him as closely as he possibly could. Luke lost himself in Michael’s arms, burying his face in Michael’s.

“Do you have any idea how much you mean to me, Luke?” Michael whispered. Luke felt his heart thump erratically, and he tightened his hold around Michael.

“God only knows what I’d be without you,” Luke whispered back.

“Isn’t that a Beach Boys song?” Michael asked, pulling back with a teary laugh.

“Yeah,” Luke giggled. “But it’s a good one.”

“It is,” Michael said softly. He looked wistfully at the car behind him. “I should go.”

“Okay,” Luke said, feeling a small bout of sadness creeping up on him. “Knock ‘em dead, yeah?”

“Always,” Michael said with a smile. He bit his lip, appearing to be deep in thought. Before Luke had a chance to ask him what he was thinking about, Michael took Luke’s hand and leaned in, placing a quick kiss on Luke’s cheek. He pulled away, blushing.

Luke stood there, stunned. He lifted a hand to his cheek, fingers brushing the skin where Michael’s lips had just been.

“I’ll see you soon, Luke,” Michael said, dropping Luke’s hand and turning towards the car. Luke watched as he opened the door and stepped in, giving Luke a small, sad wave before slowly sliding the door shut.

“Bye, Michael,” Luke said, standing alone on the sidewalk.

He stood there until the car started up and began pulling away from the curb. The cheek Michael had kissed still burned with the feeling of his soft lips pressed against it. Luke bit his lip, chewing the flesh until his piercing hurt.

His eyes lingered on the road long after the car had disappeared around the corner. When he finally tore his gaze away, he looked up at the sky. The stars were twinkling around him, and the moon seemed bright enough to light up the entire world.

Luke took a deep breath before turning to face his house. He reluctantly made his way to the front door, opening it as quietly as he could. He slipped his shoes off and padded down the hall, hoping Jack wouldn’t wake up because of how loudly his heart was pounding.

He got to his room safely, closing the door and crawling into bed. Tossing his phone onto the beside table, he flicked off the lamp and settled down. Despite the exhaustion he felt only minutes ago, he had a feeling he wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight; not when Michael was driving to the airport in the middle of the night. Luke could still feel his lips against his face, and he had to constantly remind himself that no, Michael wasn’t there.

Luke pressed his face against the pillow, swallowing hard and closing his eyes. His chest was already aching, missing Michael before he’d even truly left. He could still smell him, could still feel what it was like to be wrapped up in his arms.

Luke opened his eyes and reached up the grab the stuffed penguin that was sitting at the head of his bed. He pulled it to his chest, holding it close to his heart. It helped.

The next morning, Luke woke up with a heavy, hollow feeling in his chest. The late night goodbye left him feeling tired and empty, but he knew that any more sleep would only prolong the fact that he had to keep on living his life. With that in mind, Luke stretched out his arms and swung his feet over the edge of the bed.

After checking the time on his phone, Luke saw that it was ten in the morning. Jack was probably still asleep. His stomach growled, encouraging him to stand up and put on a clean outfit so he could start his day. Perhaps making breakfast for him and his brother would help talk his mind off of Michael.

He pulled a t-shirt over his head and ran a hand through his hair. Luke stopped in front of the mirror, studying his reflection. His hand drifted up to touch his cheek, the same one Michael had kissed only hours ago. Luke smiled, swallowing the lump in his throat and turning away from the mirror.

When he got to the kitchen, he was surprised to find Jack already awake, standing in front of the coffee pot with a warm mug in his hands.

“Morning, champ,” Jack said, taking a sip of his coffee. “Late night?”

“Not really,” Luke lied, avoiding his brother’s gaze and walking towards the fridge. He opened it up, leaning down to find something he could make for breakfast.

“We’re out of eggs,” Jack said. “I need to run to the store later. So Michael left for his tour?”

“What makes you say that?” Luke asked, abandoning his search in the fridge in favor of getting a bowl of cereal. He grabbed the milk before he closed the door.

“Because you snuck out of here at like, three in the morning?” Jack said with a laugh. “Give me a little credit, Luke. I’m not an amateur.”

“Fine,” Luke said, accepting defeat, “he stopped to say good-bye.”

“Are you okay?” Jack asked, reaching into one of the cupboards and grabbing two bowls. He passed them to Luke.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Luke asked, taking the bowls and pouring cereal into each one.

“Because he’s your new BFF and he’s leaving for months?” Jack countered. “Not to mention the fact that you’re crushing on him.”

“You just mentioned it,” Luke pointed out.

“It’s a figure of speech,” Jack said. “Why are you so grouchy?”

“I’m not grouchy!” Luke said, grabbing a spoon out of the drawer and dropping it angrily into his bowl.

“Could have fooled me,” Jack said. He picked up the dishcloth and wiped up the milk that splattered out of Luke’s bowl.

“He kissed me, okay? On the cheek. And then he got in his car and left. I’m not grouchy, I’m just…”

“Confused?” Jack offered.

“Yes! I’m confused,” Luke sighed. “I hate how close we’re getting.”

“Why would getting close be a bad thing?” Jack asked, taking his bowl of cereal and sitting down at the table. Luke followed, slumping down into one of the chairs. He picked up his spoon and stirred his food, breaking up the little bits of cereal.

“I haven’t had an actual friend in a long time. It’s weird when your only friend is some super famous rock star and you’re just a fan.”

“You’re clearly not just a fan to him,” Jack said, shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth.

“Yeah but aren’t I? I mean, yeah, we’re friends. We talk a lot and we’ve hung out and it’s been great, but at the end of the day, he’s out there being Michael Clifford. What am I? That kid that wrote too many letters and has no friends?” Luke sighed. He finally picked up his spoon and started eating. “I don’t want him to think I’m a burden, or a charity case.”

Luke let his shoulder sag. He’d never really thought about how complicated the entire situation really was. When Michael was around, it was easy to forget that there was anything keeping them apart. It never felt like Michael was a famous musician and Luke was just a fan. It felt as though the connection they had was real.

But when Michael was away, like he was now, Luke was left with the fact that Michael mattered to a lot of people. He had a job to do, and he was important. He had all of the famous people he could talk to and be friends with, so why did he bother talking to someone like Luke?

It didn’t help that Luke was starting to fall for Michael. There had always been a piece of him that felt attached to Michael, but after they became friends, and especially after last night, Luke wasn’t so sure that what he felt for Michael was just friendship, or even misplaced admiration. Sometimes Luke swore that he wasn’t alone in his feelings. Sometimes it really felt like Michael might actually be falling for him too.

Then Luke would remember. There were so many things to live up to. There was so much that Luke could never be. It wouldn’t make sense for someone like Michael to ever want to get involved with someone like Luke.

And yet, he had.

“Look, Luke. There’s obviously something about you that he likes. If there wasn’t, he wouldn’t have asked to see you again after the concert. He wouldn’t have bought you that stuffed animal. He wouldn’t be showing up at our house in the middle of the night just so he could slobber on your face before he goes back to work. You’re more than what you think you are. I know it, and I think Michael does too.

“I’ll be the first to admit that when he asked to see you again, I was worried about his intentions. You’re my baby brother, and I don’t want anyone hurting you. Ever. But I’ve met him. I’ve seen how happy you’ve been lately. You aren’t the same person you were a few months ago. You’re brighter now. I like seeing you like this. Don’t let your mind trick you into seeing something that isn’t there. You deserve someone like him. Just because your lives have been different doesn’t mean you can’t find some common ground,” Jack said.

“You’re right,” Luke said. He pushed his cereal away from him. “It’s just hard to see myself in a positive light sometimes. I’ve been stuck in this hole for so long that I forgot how good it feels to be happy. I don’t trust it.”

“I know,” Jack said. “But that’s why you deserve this. If anyone deserves a happy ending, it’s you.”

“You too,” Luke said, looking up at his brother. “Thanks.”

They finished eating in comfortable silence. Jack got up to grab his computer so he could read the news while he finished his coffee. Luke cleared the dishes, washing everything by hand to help keep him busy. It was harder to think about developing crushes while your fingers were pruning.

When he was done with the dishes, Luke grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and started making a grocery list for when Jack went to the store. He leaned over the counter, slowing writing out the items he knew they needed.

“Hey, Jack,” Luke said, “what else do we need at the store? I have eggs, milk, juice-”

“Luke.”

“What?”

“Come here,” Jack said.

Luke frowned, sitting the pen down on the counter. He walked over to the table where Jack was sitting, staring at something on his laptop.

“What is it?” Luke asked, coming to a halt behind Jack.

“Have you seen this?” Jack asked, angling the screen towards Luke. He moved to the side, giving Luke room to lean in and see what he’d pulled up on the screen.

**_“Michael Clifford kissing Mystery Man at midnight?”_ **

**_ June 9th, 2014 _ **

“Alliteration, much?” Calum asked. “Seriously, that’s all they could come up with?”

“It doesn’t matter what the headline is! What matters is that there’s a picture of what was supposed to be a private moment online,” Michael cried. “This doesn’t just affect me. This hurts him too.”

“Who said anything about hurt?” Ashton said, waltzing into the room with a fresh cup of green tea in his hands. “Your mentions have been blowing up all day. It’s all anyone can talk about.”

“You’re kidding me,” Michael groaned, running his hands through his hair.

“I haven’t even seen a lot of negativity about it. You’re lucky,” Ashton said. He sat down in the chair across from Michael. “Next time be more careful.”

“How was I supposed to know that some asshole was probably hiding in the bushes outside of Luke’s house. It was three in the morning for crying out loud! Their facts aren’t even right,” Michael huffed, folding his arms across his chest.

“Look, it isn’t that bad,” Calum said, sitting down on the arm of the couch. “This happens all the time. What are you so worried about?”

“The fact that this is going to get back to Luke,” Michael said. “It won’t take long for someone to figure out who the ‘mystery man’ is. If they’re lurking outside of his house at three in the morning, then they can definitely find out his name.”

“Cross that bridge when you get there,” Ashton said, using the string connected to his teabag to stir his drink.

“We are there,” Michael said.

“Just ask him about it tonight,” Calum suggested. “Maybe he hasn’t even seen it yet.”

“I hope not,” Michael said. “I’ll talk to him about it soon.”

The three of them were sitting in Michael and Calum’s shared apartment going over the schedule for the next few weeks. They always had Ashton join them for things like this. If they ever got distracted, Ashton was always able to reign them back in and help them stay focused. Plus, it was always nice to spend time together after a week of being apart.

They spent the next few hours going over the bus schedules and the names of the cities they would be going to. Calum and Ashton helped Michael tweak the set list, adjusting the song order and swapping out a few tracks. By the time they’d finished it was nearly eleven at night.

“I should head out. We have an early morning tomorrow and I’m exhausted,” Ashton said, grabbing his sweater and heading towards the door. “Don’t stay up too late, you two.”

“We won’t, mom,” Michael joked. Ashton shook his head, but he was smiling. Calum got up to close the door behind Ashton, whispering a private good-bye that Michael could barely hear.

“Could you speak up?” Michael shouted. “I can’t hear you being a sap.”

“Shut up,” Calum said, locking the door and walking back to the couch. “I already miss getting to be away from you for a week.”

“Liar,” Michael said, scooting over so Calum could sit beside him. “And it wasn’t a whole week. We had a nice family dinner the other night.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call you and my sister pulling out old photo albums ‘nice’,” Calum said. “Haven’t you seen my bare ass enough times?”

“You were so much cuter as a kid,” Michael laughed. Calum rolled his, laying his head against the back of the couch.

“So how was hanging out with Luke? We haven’t really had a chance to talk about it yet,” Calum said, turning to face Michael.

“It was nice,” Michael said.

“Like, ‘naked baby ass around the dinner table’ nice? Or ‘I’m completely in love with him but I have to pretend to play it cool so Calum doesn’t completely roast my ass’ nice?”

“You think about ass way too much,” Michael said, avoiding the question.

“And you think about Luke way too much. The difference is I can admit it,” Calum chuckled. “Seriously, tell me about him.”

Michael sighed, a long heavy sigh that he felt throughout his entire body. He sat up straighter, pulling his legs up onto the couch in the process.

“He’s amazing,” Michael admitted. “I haven’t been that happy with someone in a long time.”

“Hurtful,” Calum said, causing Michael to roll his eyes.

“Hey, you asked,” Michael laughed, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Does he know you like him?” Calum asked.

“I don’t like him,” Michael protested. “We’re just friends.”

“Friends that kiss each other at three in the morning,” Calum pointed out.

“It wasn’t like, a _kiss_. It was on the cheek. It was nothing,” Michael claimed.

“Right, and I’m not in the room right now. You like him, admit it. I’ve only seen you guys together for a total of two minutes and I can tell how much you care about him. You look at him like he hung the moon,” Calum said.

He wasn’t completely off base. Michael had been fighting this _feeling_ ever since the first night he’d met Luke. He wasn’t ready to admit that Luke meant more to him than just a friend. He didn’t think it was fair. Luke had been through so much already. The last thing he needed was for Michael to say, ‘ _Hey, I like you, let’s go out. By the way, I have to leave the country now and I won’t be home for a month.’_

Besides, they’d only hung out a few times. Sure, they were close. They talked nearly every day and were already incredibly comfortable with one another. But Michael didn’t know if Luke even thought about him that way. That’s why he was so concerned over this tabloid. If it got back to Luke, it could hurt him, or even scare him off.

It wasn’t easy to be friends with someone that was constantly living under a microscope. People were always watching him, taking his picture, and talking about him. Michael was used to it now, but it wasn’t always like that. He still remembered how difficult it had been adjusting to the flashing light, the screaming fans, and the paparazzi. The thought of Luke having to deal with any of that, especially when Michael wasn’t there to protect him, made his stomach churn.

“I can’t like him,” Michael said. “There’s so much in the way. I would never be able to see him, and I’d constantly be wondering if he was okay. He’s so fucking strong, Calum. He doesn’t need any of the mess that comes along with being with someone like me.”

“He’d get used to it,” Calum said.

“He shouldn’t have to,” Michael said. “After everything he’s been through, he deserves to have a normal life. I can give him a lot of things, but I can never give him that.”

“Even if he liked you back?” Calum asked. “I saw the way he looked at you the other night. Just because the windows were tinted doesn’t mean I couldn’t see you.”

“I don’t know, Cal,” Michael sighed. “I just know that I miss him, and it’s barely been a day. It legitimately scares me how much I care about him already.”

“It never did take you long to fall for someone,” Calum pointed out.

“What about you?” Michael asked. “You fell for Ashton pretty fast.”

Calum blushed, a dark red tinting his cheeks. He shook his head, licking his lips before answering.

“That’s different,” Calum said.

“When are you going to ask him out?” Michael asked. “It’s been ages. I thought you were going to give it a chance.”

“I am,” Calum said. “I’m going to ask him soon. This week, maybe. I thought about it a lot while we were in Syndey. I’m going to do it.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Michael teased. “He’s going to say yes. You know that right?”

“No, I don’t know that.”

“Seriously, Calum. You’re a catch. I would date you if I hadn’t see your naked baby photos so many times,” Michael giggled.

“You’re a dick,” Calum muttered, but he let out a chuckle. “When did we get so gay?”

“I was always gay,” Michael said. “I don’t know what the hell you are.”

“That makes two of us,” Calum laughed.

“You’re going to be fine,” Michael said, his tone more serious than before. “Really, I can’t picture a world where Ashton says no to you, and I’m not just saying that because I’m your friend. I genuinely think he likes you.”

“I hope so,” Calum said. “I’m going to turn in for the night. I’ll see you in the morning?”

“Yeah,” Michael said, nodding his head. “I’m going to bed after I talk to Luke. Hopefully he’s awake. These time changes really fuck me up.”

“Don’t stay up too late,” Calum said, getting up from the couch.

“You sound just like mom. I’m going to have two sets of parents. Unbelievable,” Michael joked.

“Goodnight, Mikey,” Calum laughed, disappearing into his bedroom.

Once Michael was alone, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. He wished that he could just call Luke, so he could at least hear his voice, but he knew that long distance charges could get expensive.

He sighed, opening Twitter and pulling up his conversation with Luke. Just as he was about to type out a message, he got an idea.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _hey, do you wanna skype?_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _I’m leaving for school right away_

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _fuck I’m sorry. I hate time differences. :(_

**_Luke Hemmings:_ ** _fuck it, we can skype for a bit. I have to leave in half an hour._

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _yay!! :)_

Michael sent Luke his skype information and waited for the call. When it popped up, a little picture of Luke and a message saying ‘ _accept?’_ popped up. He immediately hit accept, running a hand through his hair while he waited for the video chat to load.

Within a few seconds, Luke’s face was popping up onto the screen. Michael smiled, glancing at the image of himself in the bottom corner to make sure he looked okay.

“Hey,” Luke said, shuffling around a bit. “How was your flight?”

“It was okay,” Michael said. “I slept, mostly. How are you?”

“I’m good,” Luke said. “I wanted to talk to you about something, though. I don’t really know how to bring it up, or if now is even a good time to mention it.”

“You saw the article, didn’t you?” Michael asked. Luke gave him a shy smile and nodded. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. Are you okay?”

“It’s a little weird,” Luke admitted. “You don’t expect to see your face on a magazine, and then it happens. I haven’t really left my house since I saw it, though.”

“I’m so sorry,” Michael said. “I should have been more careful. I should have warned you that this could happen.”

“Hey, it isn’t your fault,” Luke said, face falling into a look of concern. “This affects you too.”

“Not as much as it affects you,” Michael argued. “I’m used to the tabloids. I should have never exposed you to this.”

“I can handle it,” Luke said. “I doubt anyone is going to care about a stupid picture, anyway.”

“You’d be surprised by what some people care about,” Michael said sadly. “I never wanted this sort of thing to happen to you. People might ask you about it. Reporters or paps. Just ignore them and keep walking, okay? Anything you say will be used against you.”

“This isn’t _Law and Order_ , Michael,” Luke laughed. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I won’t say anything, don’t worry.”

“Does it bother you?” Michael asked softly. “That people think you’re my secret boyfriend or something?”

“It’s kind of flattering that anyone thinks I could land a guy like you,” Luke admitted. “The only person I’ve talked to about it is Jack, so I don’t really know how it feels yet.”

“God, I’m so sorry,” Michael said again.

“Michael,” Luke said, “I’m okay, if that’s what you’re worried about. I just hate that I might have caused any trouble for you.”

“Trouble for me?” Michael asked in disbelief. “I’m used to this kind of thing, trust me. I’ve just been worried about you ever since I saw article.”

“Well I’m okay, I promise. If anything changes, I’ll tell you,” Luke said. “Don’t worry about me.”

“I worry about the people I care about,” Michael told him. “That includes you.”

“Again, you flatter me,” Luke giggled.

“I mean it, Luke,” Michael said, smiling at the sound of Luke’s laugh. In his opinion, it had been far too long since he’d heard that sound.

“I care about you, too,” Luke said. “Now that we’re close, I guess I should get used to the idea that things like this are going to happen.”

“If anyone gives you a hard time, tell me, okay?” Michael asked. “I’ll make a statement or something if I have to. I don’t want this hurting you.”

“I will,” Luke agreed. “Being your rumored fake mystery man might be fun.”

“God, that was an awful headline,” Michael groaned.

“Wasn’t it?” Luke laughed. “How many ‘m’s’ can you use in one sentence?”

“Too many,” Michael laughed. “I miss you.”

Luke didn’t say anything. He stayed so still that Michael was worried his phone had frozen. Finally, Luke smiled softly.

“I miss you too, Mikey,” Luke whispered.

They talked until it was time for Luke to go to school. When they said goodbye, Michael remembered what it was like to kiss Luke’s cheek, feeling the night air wrapping around them as if all the clocks in the world had stopped. He wondered what it would be like to actually kiss Luke, and if he would survive it if he ever got the chance.

Michael yawned, feeling the exhaustion that had been settling in his bones finally take over. He stood up from the couch, shuffling across his apartment to turn out the lights. The room went dark, and Michael carefully made his way to his bedroom.

When he crawled into bed and rested his head against the pillow, Michael stared at the empty space on the bed next to him. He let his fingers wander across the sheets. He closed his eyes, picturing his room back in Sydney.

It had been so nice to sleep in the same bed as Luke. When Luke was beside him, all of the thoughts that were constantly running around in his head slowed down. For once, everything was quiet. He wasn’t distracted by upcoming concerts or six a.m. flights. The only thing in the world was Luke, and every piece of Michael that was always worrying about something else finally settled down. When he was with Luke, he could breathe.

Michael grabbed one of the pillows that sat on his bed and pulled it to his chest. He wrapped his arms around it, holding it as tightly as he could. It was easier to pretend that he wasn’t alone when something was in arms. He only wished that it was Luke.


	9. now that i've found you (you're all i see)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I didn't fall in love with you....I flew.” - Colleen Hoover
> 
> I'm so sorry I've been away! Things have been rough recently, but please stick with me! I have not abandoned this story, I just need more time to recharge and find excitement within it so I can continue to do this story justice. Encouragement and kind words are always appreciated to help me keep with it. Thank you to everyone that has patiently waited for this update, and to those that never gave up hope. This one's for you!

**_ June 22nd, 2014 _ **

It took being away from Michael to realize just how lonely he’d been before. Luke expected this to some degree, but the hollowness inside of his chest refused to be filled, despite the conversations that never seemed to end and the Skype calls that lasted until one of them fell asleep. There was only so much longing one person could take, and Luke was reaching his limit.

It had been weeks since Michael had left for tour, but Luke was still haunted by their last night together. It was always sitting in the back of his mind whenever he was laughing at a joke Michael had told him, or watching the seventh baby kitten video Michael had sent him. There was something pinching his heart whenever Michael appeared on his phone screen during their impromptu video chats.

Luke missed him.

There wasn’t much he could do about it, either, except appreciate all of the moments he had to talk to Michael. They still talked every day, despite the oceans between them. Michael was as with him now as he was when they were lying beside each other, and deep down, Luke knew that. But it didn’t change the fact that when it was late at night and he was alone in his bed, it felt as though something – or someone – was missing.

Luke was falling in love.

He wasn’t sure when it started. Sometimes he thought it was when Michael had kissed his cheek, the moonlight casting shadows on his skin and illuminating his bright, green eyes. It was the kind of moment that would have fireflies dancing around them if it were a scene in a movie; a perfect fairytale ending that held everything from hope to despair in one tiny kiss.

Other times, Luke wondered if he’d been falling for Michael since the beginning – since the night they met. He toyed with the idea of soulmates, and destiny, and if the universe had bound him to Michael many lifetimes ago, and only now were they able to find each other. It was a beautiful thought, one that made Luke feel special, even though he knew it was far-fetched and desperate.

There were days he wondered if his infatuation with Michael was healthy, or just misplaced admiration for his music and his work. Luke was constantly going over the development of his feelings over the last two months, trying to pinpoint the exact moment everything changed.

He could never draw a conclusion.

Luke wondered what Michael would say if he ever found out. Would he be upset? Would he be angry with Luke? Would he realize that Luke isn’t who he thought he was? Or would everything be okay? Maybe Michael wouldn’t mind, and Luke would be able to keep being his friend without letting his crush jeopardize everything.

Occasionally, Luke wondered if there was a chance Michael felt the same way. He didn’t like to think about it too much, because he knew that if he let himself get wrapped up in a fantasy, it would only hurt more in the end. But there were days when Michael would look at him, or smile at him, or say something sweet, and Luke’s breath would get caught in his throat. His heart would pause, and the small voice inside of his head would take the opportunity to whisper about hope, and without the pounding in his chest, Luke would have no choice but to listen.

There was a softness to Michael that Luke knew was reserved for him. He’d known Michael for long enough now to be able to tell. But that softness had the ability to play tricks on his mind, and without anyone around to stop him, Luke would get sucked in to the whirlpool of his own finicky thoughts.

Now that the tabloids had realized Luke existed, things were starting to change. Not only did it add fuel to fire when it came to Luke questioning his already confusing feelings, but other people were starting to notice him, too. He was no longer just a fly on the wall wherever he went. People _saw_ him.

It wasn’t like he was famous now or anything. But there was a considerable amount of attention that Luke had never known before. People didn’t really come up to him - thank god - but he definitely got his fair share of glances and stares whenever he left his house. Occasionally a journalist from some webzine would come up to him and start rattling off questions about Michael, but Luke just walked away from them. He knew that no matter what he said, someone out there would find a way to twist it until his words were no longer his own - even if everything he said was good.

Things were different at school, too. In a way, everything seemed quieter. Less people went out of their way to bother him. Luke was able to go through the day without anyone harassing him or calling him names. Instead of exclusively judgmental stares, people seemed rather curious. Luke supposed that was normal. If anyone else was in his place, he would be curious too.

There was one day during lunch break where one of Luke’s classmates, Sara, actually came to sit with him. Luke had been surprised, but he’d welcomed the company. It had only taken ten minutes for her to start asking pointed questions about his relationship with Michael, and Luke realized that perhaps being alone wasn’t so bad after all. He was open to friendships, but not when they were questioning the one he already had. Besides, he didn’t want friends that only cared about the fact that he knew Michael.

Once the article broke, Luke had been given the chance to see what being in the limelight was really like, but to a smaller degree than the stuff that Michael went through. Not every day was bad, but Luke wondered if it ever bothered Michael that he wasn’t able to run to the store without someone asking him for a picture, or even taking them without his consent. Michael had been dealing with this kind of microscopic lifestyle for years now. Everywhere he went, eyes were on him. Thinking about it too much made Luke sad.

If anything, it gave him even more reason to build a repertoire with Michael that excluded his job entirely. He wanted to be able to be a safe place for Michael, someone he could come to when he needed to get away from all of the lights and the screaming fans. Luke hoped that in some sense, Michael could talk to him and be reminded of home.

Jack had been more than supportive the last few weeks. He understood that things were different for Luke now because of the article and his connection to Michael. Plus, no matter how many times that Luke denied it, Jack knew that Luke’s feelings for Michael were anything but platonic. Ever since Michael had left, Luke had been walking around like an empty shell. Whenever he wasn’t at school or sleeping, Luke was glued to his phone. He spent all of his free time texting or Skyping with Michael, but Jack couldn’t deny how happy it made him to come home and find Luke curled up on the sofa with his laptop across his knees, a soft giggle escaping his throat at whatever Michael had just said.

Luke adjusted well to the changes in his life. Jack had always given Luke credit for how well he was able to handle all of the things he went through. But no matter how strong he knew Luke was, all he wanted was for Michael to come home so that Luke would be as happy as he was during the week before Michael had gone back on tour.

“I’m home!” Jack called out, stepping into the house. He pulled his sweater off and hung it up on one of the racks by the front door.

“In here!” Luke called back. Jack smiled and followed the sound, heading towards the living room. There was Luke, curled up like always, the TV playing softly in the background. His laptop was set up on the coffee table, the Skype page waiting patiently for Luke to start his call.

“Waiting for Michael?” Jack asked, sitting down on the couch beside Luke.

“Yeah, he messaged saying he just wants to take a shower first like, ten minutes ago. How was work?” Luke asked, sitting up a little to pay attention to Jack.

“It was fine,” Jack said. “Did you eat already?”

Luke nodded. “I made pasta. I put together a plate for you in the fridge. There was some left over so I put it in a dish for you to take to work tomorrow, if you want.”

“Thanks little bro,” Jack said, ruffling up Luke’s hair. “How was school today?”

“It was okay,” Luke said, looking down in his lap and pausing. “Some kid made a stupid comment about Michael, but I just ignored him.”

“What did he say?” Jack asked, eyes filling with concern.

“Just something about us being gay,” Luke sighed. “Nothing new, really. I just hate that they bring him into it now.”

“I thought things were getting better?” Jack asked, turning to face Luke completely. The lights from the television flickered across Luke’s face.

“They are, they are,” Luke assured him. “Things are definitely quieter. No one really pushes me around or says anything. But sometimes they do, and now it’s like everything they say isn’t just about me, but Michael too. I hate it.”

“You’re the one that has to hear that stuff,” Jack pointed out. “It’s not like he has to stand there and listen to it.”

“Yeah, but he has to deal with that shit all of the time. And out there it’s so much worse than some stupid kid at a high school no one cares about. It just reminds me that he has to deal with people shittier than that guy. Plus, they’re saying shit about me and Michael, like, as a couple. We aren’t even a couple. No one even fucking knows us. I wish everyone would stop pretending that they did.”

Luke sighed. He knew he should be grateful that people seemed to be leaving him alone more, and more often than not, he was. But now that people _weren’t_ saying rude things to him on a daily basis, it bothered him even more when they did. Especially when they felt the need to drag Michael into it. Michael had to deal with enough already, and ever since they became friends, Luke was protective over him. He hated people calling him names, but in a way, listening to people call _Michael_ names was even worse.

“You know who you are, and you know who Michael is,” Jack said, “and that’s what counts. I know it’s hard to have to hear shit like that but, I promise you, Michael would be more concerned about what they’re saying about you. Besides, term break is coming up soon, and you’ll be able to get away from school for a while.”

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to that,” Luke said with a smile.

Just then, a soft ringing sound began playing on Luke’s computer. They both turned their heads to look, seeing that Michael was calling him for their Skype chat.

“I’ll leave you be,” Jack said, getting up from the couch. “I’m going to take my food to my room. Don’t stay up too late, okay?”

“I won’t,” Luke said, giving Jack a smile before reaching to pull his laptop onto his lap. Once he was settled, he hit ‘answer’ on Michael’s call and waited for the connection to load.

After a few moments, Michael’s smiling face popped up onto the screen. His hair was still wet from his shower, dripping all over his shoulders and making his white shirt damp.

“Hey, you,” Michael said, grinning at Luke. Luke smiled back, unable to help the way his face lit up at the sight of Michael.

“Hi there,” Luke said softly.

“Sorry I took so long,” Michael said, running a hand through his damp hair. Luke could see tiny beads of hair dye mixed with water dripping down his forehead. A part of him ached to be able to wipe them away.

“You didn’t,” Luke said. “Jack got home while I was waiting, so I talked to him for a bit.”

“Is he still working late a lot?” Michael asked, draping his towel around his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Luke nodded, “my birthday is coming up, so that’s probably why.”

“Are you guys doing anything special?” Michael asked, leaning forwards so that his face took up even more of the screen.

“Not that I know of. He hasn’t said anything. He probably just wants to get me something ‘nice’,” Luke said, throwing up air quotations.

“Do you blame him?” Michael asked, laughing at Luke’s distaste.

“No,” Luke chuckled, “but I wish he would listen when I say I don’t need anything expensive. I don’t even need anything at all.”

“There’s got to be something you want,” Michael teased, “it’s your birthday.”

“There is,” Luke sighed. “But it’s cheesy as fuck and I don’t want to tell you.”

“Okay, now you _have_ to tell me!” Michael exclaimed, lips splitting into a grin so wide Luke wasn’t sure how it fit onto the screen.

“It’s lame,” Luke said, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“You’re lame,” Michael countered, “just tell me, I won’t make fun of you.”

“Says the guy that just called me lame,” Luke laughed. “Okay, fine. I just…I miss you, that’s all. And I know you’re busy teaching the world how to rock and roll, but it would be nice to be able to see you. You know, in person.”

“Aw, Luke,” Michael cooed, pouting his lips and placing a hand over his heart. “You woo me.”

“Shut up, dick,” Luke laughed, shaking his head. “I knew you would make fun of me.”

“Hey!” Michael cried, “I’m not, I’m not. I miss you, too.”

“Bullshit.”

“I do!”

“Then be nice to me,” Luke pouted.

Michael smiled, pulling his computer even closer to his face. Luke watched as his eyes went soft and he gently bit his lip.

“I miss you, Luke,” Michael said, and Luke knew he meant it. There was something about the way Michael was looking at him that left no room for any doubt.

“Good,” Luke said softly. Michael grinned, giving Luke one of his best smiles.

“I can’t promise anything,” Michael said, “but give me a few days to check my schedule. Let me see what I can do.”

“You don’t have to come here,” Luke rushed out. “I was being selfish. Don’t like, make any special stops just ‘cause of me. I know you have a job to do. We’ll see each other as soon as we can. It’s okay.”

“I want to see you,” Michael assured him, “trust me. Everything has just been so hectic lately, so I don’t know if I’ll be able to promise anything. But I want to see you, and if there’s a chance I can, you can’t stop me from taking it.”

Luke bit his lip. There was a soft, fluttering feeling in the pit of his stomach. He liked feeling like he was someone important. He liked knowing that Michael wanted to see him, too, and that he wasn’t just being needy.

“Okay,” Luke whispered.

“Okay,” Michael repeated. “So tell me about all the hot gossip.”

“You sound forty,” Luke said, letting out a bark of laughter. “Where do you even get this stuff from?”

“I have a surprising amount of time to kill and way too many movies I’ve never seen waiting for me on Netflix.”

“Don’t tell me you watched Mean Girls,” Luke joked.

“It’s a classic and Ashton had never seen it!” Michael cried, holding up his hands in defense.

“What am I going to do with you, Clifford,” Luke sighed.

 

***

 

**_ June 22nd, 2014  _ **

“Don’t last name me!” Michael cried. “You try being in a green room for hours on end with no other means of entertainment.”

“Excuses,” Luke scolded. Michael rolled his eyes, but he smiled. He really _did_ miss Luke, and even though they talked every day and Michael could see his face through the screen, it wasn’t the same as being together in person.

“Seriously though, how have you been?” Michael asked.

“What, since we talked yesterday?” Luke giggled. “I’ve been good.”

“Things at school still okay?” Michael asked, hating the way he sounded like a worried mother. He couldn’t help it that he worried about Luke. He had since the very beginning, and now that Luke was exposed by the tabloids, he worried even more.

“For the most part,” Luke said. “I get the odd comment about like, how we’re dating or something, but it’s fine. Nothing like the shit you probably have to deal with.”

“I’ve been asked a few times,” Michael admitted, “but I’m used to it. And just because you think I have it worse, it doesn’t mean what happens to you doesn’t matter. Your experiences are just as important.”

“There you go validating me again,” Luke chuckled. “I’m fine, really. For the most part people leave me alone. A few of them even want to be my friend until I tell them I can’t hook them up with an autograph.”

“I give you full permission to use to me to make friends,” Michael laughed. “I’m glad things have been okay, though.”

“I’m not the kind of person that would take advantage of you,” Luke said, his tone heading down a more serious route. “You know that, right?”

“I do know that,” Michael promised. “It’s one of the reasons I like you so much.”

“I’m blushing.”

“That line only works if you’re not actually blushing, Luke.”

“Don’t be rude.”

Michael relaxed, settling into what ended up a three hour long Skype call. It was so easy to just get lost in a conversation with Luke, where time ceased to exist and all that mattered was the boy on the screen.

When the call finally ended – and Luke was practically falling asleep on his computer – they said goodbye, reluctantly hitting the button that would disconnect them. Michael always felt bittersweet after video chatting with Luke. He loved that there were still ways he was able to talk to Luke face to face, but it only reminded him that he was so far away. It would take hours on a plane to be able to actually _see_ Luke.

His mind drifted back to what Luke had said about his birthday approaching. It was still a few weeks away, but Michael wanted to be able to give Luke what he asked for. He knew he had a break coming up soon, but he wasn’t sure if it lined up with the week of Luke’s birthday or not.

“Calum!” Michael shouted. He was sitting on his bed in their shared hotel room, and he’d just heard the shower turn off, meaning Calum should be emerging from the bathroom any minute now. When he heard no response, he called out again. “Calum!”

“What?” Calum snapped back, peeking his head out from the bathroom door.

“When do we go on break?” Michael asked.

“You interrupted me for that? To ask when we go on break?” Calum asked in disbelief. “At least let me put some fucking underpants on first.”

“It’s important,” Michael whined, looking up from his computer to give Calum his best puppy dog pout.

“It’s about Luke, isn’t it?” Calum sighed, wrapping a towel around his waist and padding across the hotel room floor to sit beside Michael.

“Yes,” Michael pouted. “Don’t leave your wet ass print on my bed.”

“You called my wet ass out here, you get the wet ass print.”

“Fine,” Michael sighed. “I want to see him for his birthday. No, I want to do more than that. I want to like, whisk him away to some tropical island or something.”

“Have you even told him that you like him yet?” Calum asked.

“Have you even told Ashton that you like _him_ yet?” Michael countered, ignoring how much his argument resembled that of an eight-year-old boy’s.

“I’m going to today,” Calum said. “Why do you think I’m so annoyed you interrupted me. I was getting ready to go see him.”

“In a towel? I’d say yes,” Michael teased.

“You’re such an asshole,” Calum groaned. “Do you want my help or not? Because I have other things I can be doing.” He made to get up off the bed, but Michael grabbed his wrist.

“Stay,” Michael pleaded. “Wet ass print and all.”

“That’s more like it,” Calum said with a smirk. Michael rolled his eyes and pulled up the email his management team had sent him that held his schedule for the next three months. “When is Luke’s birthday?”

“The sixteenth,” Michael said, scrolling through the dates in the email to see when his next break was.

“I think we’re off,” Calum said. “We go home on the ninth and come back on the twenty-first. You really need to learn your own schedule, Michael.”

“Shut up,” Michael said half-heartedly, eyes still glued to the screen. He kept scrolling through until he found what he was looking for. When his eyes finally landed on the dates Calum had just say, he let out a loud cheer.

“I take it I was right?” Calum asked, leaning over to look at the screen.

“Yes, you beautiful bastard you,” Michael cried, leaning over to give Calum’s cheek a big, sloppy kiss.

“Gross,” Calum said, turning his nose up in disgust and wiping the side of his face on Michael’s shoulder.

“Do you think I’d be able to take him somewhere?” Michael asked. “I know most people plan trips in advance, but do you think I’d be able to?”

“You can try, but you should find out if he’d even be able to go,” Calum pointed out. “Doesn’t he have school?”

“He should be going on break right around this time, too, right?” Michael asked. “We got two weeks off every few months when we were in school. I think we got one in July.”

“You should find out,” Calum said.

“Yeah, but how do I ask him without him getting suspicious?” Michael asked. “If I’m able to pull this off, I would want it to be a surprise.”

“Why don’t you ask his brother?” Calum suggested. “You’d have to ask him for permission anyway. Kill two birds with one stone.”

“Fuck, you’re a genius, Hood.”

“I know,” Calum laughed. “Now, can I go finish getting ready?”

“Yes, thank you,” Michael said. Calum got up from the bed, dropping his towel has he reached the bathroom door. “Leave your hair natural!” Michael called after him. “He likes it curly.”  

“No, you like it curly!” Calum shouted through the bathroom door.

“I have good taste!” Michael laughed. He reached for his phone, leaning across the bed to retrieve it from his bedside table. He unlocked it and opened up his contacts and began scrolling.

Luke had programmed Jack’s number into Michael’s phone the second time they’d hung out together; that way if anything happened he had someone he could call, and if Jack needed to get a hold of Luke but couldn’t reach him, Michael would know who was calling.

He felt nervous contacting Luke’s brother. Michael knew how protective Jack was of Luke, and even though he was pretty sure Jack liked him, he wasn’t sure if he’d allow Michael to take Luke on a vacation so out of the blue. However, his will to surprise Luke overcame his fear of upsetting Jack, and he hit ‘new message’ before he could talk himself out of it.

**_Michael Clifford:_ ** _Hey Jack, it’s Michael. I was wondering if I could talk to you about something? It’s time sensitive, but I didn’t want to call and wake you up and I’m not sure what your work schedule is like. Could you please give me a call when you can? Don’t worry about long distance charges, I’ll cover the bill. Thanks. :)_

Michael read the text over, taking a deep breath as he hit send. All he had to do now was wait.

“I just texted Ashton,” Calum said, coming out of the bathroom in a pair of black boxer briefs and his hair perfectly styled.

“I just texted Jack,” Michael replied.

“Good, let me know when he answers,” Calum said, heading over to his suitcase and throwing the top flap open. He began rummaging through his belongings, throwing different garments across the room. “I just texted Ashton to come over in five minutes.”

“You’re not even dressed,” Michael stated, hopping up from the bed to help Calum dig through his clothes.

“Exactly!” Calum exclaimed. “Help me.”

“Okay, relax,” Michael said. “Put on that olive button up and a pair of skinny jeans.”

“Didn’t Ashton pick that shirt out for me?’ Calum asked, pulling a pair of black skinnies from his bag.

“All the more reason to wear it,” Michael claimed. He pulled the shirt out of the suitcase and handed it to Calum. “I can’t believe you’re finally going to ask him out.”

“I can’t believe I’m finally going to ask him out either,” Calum said, nerves lacing his voice.

“Relax,” Michael said, watching as Calum pulled his arms through his shirt. He reached out to do the buttons up for him so Calum could have a moment to calm down.

“He’s going to say no,” Calum whispered, mostly to himself.

“He’s going to say yes,” Michael corrected him, finishing up the last of the buttons and stepping back so Calum could pull on his jeans.

“You’re going to take off, right?” Calum asked. “I don’t need you embarrassing me anymore than you usually do.”

“I take offense to that,” Michael said, but he sighed. “Of course, I’ll go grab a coffee from that café down the street. Their croissants looked really good.”

“Can you get me one of their crullers for later?” Calum asked, zipping up his jeans.

“Sorry, you can only ask for one favour per day,” Michael said, ignoring the pointed look Calum was giving him.

“Please?” Calum asked. “I helped you with your Luke problem.”

“Okay fine,” Michael said, “but only because you finally got the balls to tell Ashton.”

“Tell me what?” Ashton said, small frame standing in the doorway to the hotel room.

“Ash,” Calum said, “I didn’t hear the door open.”

“You should really lock this thing,” Ashton said, reaching to lock the deadbolt.

“Wait,” Michael said, “leave it open. I’m heading out. Just give me a second to get my wallet.”

He quickly went over to his bedside table and grabbed his wallet and his room key. Once he’d slipped them both safely into his pocket, he grabbed his phone off the duvet and headed towards the door. He gave Calum a small wave and a wink before shutting the door behind him.

“What’s this about?” Ashton asked, walking a few steps closer to where Calum was standing. “I thought we’d all hangout?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something first,” Calum said. He went over to the small couch in the corner of the hotel room and sat down, patting the seat beside him so Ashton knew to follow. “I’ve actually been wanting to talk to you about this for a while now, I’ve just never had the nerve.”

“Cal,” Ashton said slowly, “what’s going on? You’re freaking me out a little.”

“Please don’t freak out,” Calum said, turning his body to face Ashton. Ever polite, Ashton mirrored his body language, ready to give Calum all of his attention.

“You can tell me anything, Calum,” Ashton said, placing his hand on Calum’s knee.

Calum looked at Ashton’s hand on his knee and took a deep breath. He slowly let the air out of his lungs before he looked up, catching Ashton’s eyes trained on him.

“I like you,” Calum said. “I like you as more than just a friend. I have for a while now but I was too afraid to say anything because we’re around each other all of the time and I didn’t want things to be awkward if you turned me down, which you’re probably going to do anyway. But I couldn’t take it anymore and Michael got in my head and convinced me to tell you so that’s what I’m doing. I like you, Ashton. And I’d really like to take you out on a date sometime, if that’s something you’d want to do. If not, I totally get it, really, I don’t want this to ruin our friendship or anything cause you’re way too important to me and I-”

Calum was cut off by a pair of lips crashing into his own. A strong but soft hand cupped the side of his face, and it took Calum a moment to realize what was happening. Ashton was _kissing_ him.

Before the moment was lost, Calum surged forward and brought his own hand up to copy Ashton’s movement. He let his hand gently touch the side of Ashton’s face, the tip of his fingers brushing the wavy hair that hung near Ashton’s ear. He moved his lips against Ashton, breathing deeply through his nose, trying desperately to memorize the feeling of Ashton’s mouth against his own.

When Ashton started to pull away, Calum jolted back. He hated how eager he just came across, and how vulnerable he felt. He moved away, giving Ashton the space and time he needed to comprehend what had just happened. He bit his lips anxiously, watching with careful eyes as Ashton’s eyelashes fluttered, waiting to see if rejection was about to slap him across the face.

After what felt like eternity, Ashton finally looked up. There was something swimming in the depths of his hazel eyes, and Calum couldn’t help but think that in this moment, with his lips tinted red and his cheeks flushed, Ashton had never looked more beautiful.

“I’m sorry if that-” Calum started, but once again, he was interrupted.

“I like you, too,” Ashton said, his voice sounding raspy and much deeper than Calum had ever heard it. “Fuck, Cal, I like you too.”

Before Calum could say anything, or jump up off the sofa and start dancing like a little kid, Ashton leaned in again. There was less urgency this time, but just as much passion. Calum cupped Ashton’s cheek again before letting his hand move to curl itself in Ashton’s hair. Their lips brushed together, moving as one.

They didn’t stop kissing.

Somehow, within minutes, Ashton was sat in Calum’s lap, arms wrapped around his neck and legs braced on either side of his hips. Calum’s hands were wrapped around Ashton’s waist, holding him securely in place. Their bodies moved together, keeping each other grounded while at the same time being the sole reason they both felt like they were in heaven. Everything between them was running like a well-oiled machine; their breathing lining up as their lips finally found the relief they’d been searching for since the day they’d first met.

When they finally started to ease up, their rhythm becoming less desperate and their kisses growing softer, they heard the hotel room door click as a key card was slid through it. Calum didn’t need to open his eyes when he heard the soft footsteps enter the room.

“I told you he liked you back,” Michael said, tossing a paper bag containing the pastry Calum had asked for onto his bed. The couple finally pulled apart, turning to look at Michael with rosy lips and guilty grins.

“Do you want to go to lunch?” Calum whispered, letting his lips brush against Ashton’s ear. “I don’t think Michael needs us to give him a show.”

Ashton giggled in response, climbing carefully off of Calum’s lap and reaching a hand out. Calum let himself be pulled up from the couch. Once he was standing, he laced his fingers with Ashton’s.

“We’ll be back later,” Calum said to Michael, giving him a smile before letting Ashton pull him towards the door.

“I’m sure you won’t,” Michael replied, letting the waggle of his eyebrows complete the innuendo.

“Bye, Michael!” Ashton called, disappearing behind the door with Calum in tow.

Michael rolled his eyes, but he felt his heart grow warm. It was about time his friends got together. If anyone deserved a happily-ever-after, it was Calum and Ashton.

He flopped down onto his bed, rolling over onto his stomach until his face was pressed against the pillow. It was only noon, but it already felt like one of the longest days of his life.

He turned his head to the side so he could get a look at the time on the clock radio sitting on the bedside table, deciding he had enough time to take a short nap. He closed his eyes, smiling to himself as he thought about how happy Calum had looked letting himself be pulled off to lunch by an equally happy Ashton.

Just as he felt himself drifting off to sleep, he heard a muffled buzzing coming from his pocket. He groaned, the familiar vibrations from his phone rousing him from his comfortable position.

He sat up, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his phone. He rubbed his eyes, already feeling as though he’d just woken up. When his vision cleared, he finally got a good look at who was calling him.

_Jack Hemmings._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!
> 
> a big thank you to [zoë](http://petalmikey.tumblr.com) for editing and screaming with me. god only knows what i'd be without you. 
> 
> let me know what you think by commenting or leaving kudos.
> 
> come visit me on [tumblr](http://pilotmikey.tumblr.com)!


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